{"id":4569,"date":"2019-11-27T21:04:54","date_gmt":"2019-11-28T02:04:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4569"},"modified":"2019-11-27T21:04:54","modified_gmt":"2019-11-28T02:04:54","slug":"how-do-i-criticize-my-young-child-without-her-getting-upset","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-criticize-my-young-child-without-her-getting-upset\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I criticize my young child without her getting upset?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Our kid is almost 4. She seemingly hates hearing criticism. If I mildly correct her during an otherwise happy encounter she will start fussing, fidgeting and jabbering and won’t stop. It’s impossible to get her back to even keel without walking away and ignoring everything for a while. I want to be able to say, “Please don’t put your feet on the dining table,” without her totally checking out. It’s 100 times as bad at bedtime, because she absolutely won’t settle. Thoughts on how to help her work through her obvious discomfort?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>Thanks for writing; trust me when I say you are not alone in having a child who doesn\u2019t enjoy criticism. In fact, when I read your note, I thought to myself, \u201cWait, who does enjoy criticism?\u201d Unless you are accustomed to be being picked apart, most humans bristle at being critiqued, children most of all.<\/p>\n

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But.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Here\u2019s where you may be running into some trouble: If your child is happily chattering about school or a show or a game and you interrupt her with \u201cget your feet off of the table,\u201d you have broken a connection between the two of you. This isn\u2019t a huge problem. I can virtually feel everyone reading this rolling their eyes at me, and I\u2019m not suggesting we stop instructing, correcting and guiding our children.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But there\u2019s something to be said about the quantity and timing of these corrections. Like it or not, they can erode a relationship.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Imagine you are telling a story to a friend and you are right at the good part. I mean, it\u2019s really funny, and she stops you with, \u201cHey, you need a coaster for your glass.\u201d Whoosh. All the energy is gone. She may ask you to continue, but the moment has passed. You feel cranky and like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m done sharing.\u201d Now, if your friend had listened and wordlessly put a coaster under your glass, poof! No problems.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Your 4-year-old cannot hide her displeasure with your interruptions and corrections. When you stop her, mid-story, she doesn\u2019t feel heard, and her way of handling that frustration is to be silly.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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What are you supposed to do if any critique leads to shenanigans? Let\u2019s take a look at how often you are criticizing her. Take 15 minutes during your time with her and be honest about your praise-to-critique ratio. If you are only remarking on what your daughter needs to change, you are going to get misbehavior. Instead, ratchet up the praise, smiles and eye contact, because that facilitates cooperation, warmth and joy.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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While you\u2019re at it, decide what you are willing to go to the mat for. It isn\u2019t fair to hold a preschooler to too many expectations; it isn\u2019t developmentally appropriate. Decide what you will never let slide. For instance, I would not allow my children to jump on my couches, period. Other parents can decide they are not concerned about this, and that\u2019s their right. I encourage you to choose your boundaries and critiques, hold them, and let everything else go.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Also, find nonverbal ways to guide her (good preschool teachers are masters at this). You don\u2019t need to actually say anything to maneuver feet off of a table, and because you know critiques spark bad behavior, challenge yourself to speak about what needs changing as little as possible. Again, this doesn\u2019t mean you let go of your boundaries; it means you catch yourself when you offer too many critiques.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Finally, one of the most important concepts I learned in my training is \u201cconnect before you direct.\u201d This means connection \u2014 a warm, loving relationship \u2014 is how and why children want to be good for us. Though some criticisms may need to happen, the younger the child, the more a loving connection is needed. So, when you ask how to help your daughter through her discomfort, I suggest you stop purposely making her uncomfortable. She\u2019s simply too little to handle it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0Our kid is almost 4. She seemingly hates hearing criticism. If I mildly correct her during an otherwise happy encounter she will start fussing, fidgeting and jabbering and won’t stop. It’s impossible to get her back to even keel without walking away and ignoring everything for a while. I want to be able to say, “Please don’t put your feet […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4126,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[612,1336,1340,1335,1341,1339,1338,1337],"class_list":["post-4569","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-4-year-old","tag-behavioral-corrections","tag-correcting","tag-criticism","tag-guiding","tag-instructing","tag-physical-corrections","tag-redirecting"],"yoast_head":"\nHow do I criticize my young child without her getting upset?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If I mildly criticize my daughter she will start fussing, fidgeting and jabbering and won't stop. 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