{"id":4845,"date":"2020-01-08T21:45:21","date_gmt":"2020-01-09T02:45:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4845"},"modified":"2020-01-08T21:45:21","modified_gmt":"2020-01-09T02:45:21","slug":"meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/","title":{"rendered":"Meghan Leahy: When is worry too much worry, how a single mom can get through and more"},"content":{"rendered":"
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This is a slightly edited excerpt from\u00a0<\/i>Meghan Leahy\u2019s online chat<\/i><\/a>, Dec. 18.<\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Worry<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I keep hearing Jason Robards\u2019s line from Parenthood (the movie, get off my lawn) about how the worry with children never ends. I am really experiencing that lately, though my kids are still youngish. I have three kids, and there is always something to worry about with at least one of them. Like this week, the youngest got over a virus and the middle was doing okay in school, when I get a call from the school counselor about my eldest. It\u2019s just a constant stream of worry; the saying \u201cyou\u2019re only as happy as your unhappiest child\u201d is really true for me. Not really a question, just wanted to put that out there. Of course there is joy and love and fun too, but boy, you really sign up for a lot when you become a parent.<\/p>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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First of all, I love that movie. It is so good.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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If you swap out worry for concern…then yeah…it never ends.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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There is always another thing happening and sometimes it is stuff we can solve, but mostly parenting is an endurance test.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I forget who said it, but there is a saying of how a parent grows a child, and the child grows the parent, too.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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No matter your therapy or self knowledge or book learning or confidence, you are still the first time parent of that child, that day.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Sure, you hope to live, learn, and grow from your parenting experiences, but if you have more than one child? Welp, they bring new challenges (and gifts) to the family.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I can tell you this: there is a clear correlation between parenting worry and control. The more control the parent *thinks* they have, the more worries and heartache they have. The parents who are more focused on relationship and staying focused on TODAY? They seem to have a slightly easier time of it.<\/p>\n

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Yes, there is suffering and worry and concern, but there are parents who don\u2019t drown in it … they have a sense of a larger picture while also staying present.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I have a mantra, every single morning: “I can handle it.” And this means that, whatever happens, I am not letting go. Of my family, of hope, of being there, of showing up.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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And when I cannot handle it? I take a nap.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So, you’ve had the kids, you are in the deep end of the ocean. Be like the buoy, just keep head above water, and take good care of yourself.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Sibling hitting behind my back<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Hi Meghan! My 6-year-old and 3-year-old are usually super cute with each other, but of course, they have their moments and they love to provoke each other. Pinching, hitting, etc. I ask them to stop and talk to each other about what is bothering them, but you know … then it happens again behind my back. How do I stay chill and not accuse anyone of starting, but get them to stop hurting each other? Help!<\/p>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Oh man. I don\u2019t know how you can stay still and not accuse and get them to not hurt each other …<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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That’s a tall order.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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One thing you can stop doing is expecting them to talk out their feelings when the feelings are running hot.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The 6-year-old may be there, but that 3-year-old is not about to bust out some deep talk about her interior emotional world.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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For all humans, but especially little ones, the ability to step back and communicate their feelings when they are angry is a tall order. Their prefrontal cortex, already barely up and running due to immaturity, is also comprised by the hormones flooding it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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1. If you can get to them before it gets physical, you may be able to model back and forth.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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2. But if the aggression is full-tilt, you need to separate the children to different spots and allow a cool down.<\/p>\n

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3. When everyone has calmed down (minutes, hours, days later), you can revisit the problem if it needs it. A lot of sibling stuff is just, well, living together. It doesn\u2019t always need to be talked out … it is just hard.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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4. If you lose it and shout at them, say sorry (after you have cooled down).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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5) And when you have a moment to yourself, notice patterns. Are they always fighting at a certain time or over a certain thing? How can you help with that?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Struggling single mom<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Hi. I\u2019m a single mom to a lively, rambunctious, sweet, and not-great-at-sleeping toddler. I live in Philly and I\u2019m lucky enough to have family nearby to help. My parents recently offered to have my son come there and go to school out in the suburbs during the week, and then stay with me in the city on the weekends. The commute from their house to my job is pretty lengthy (1.5 hours by train!) so while I can do it (and have), staying in the city most of the week makes the most sense in terms of time and well-being, though they\u2019d certainly welcome me being there if I chose, including one or two days a week. Sleeping has been brutal for the last two years, and I know it\u2019s impacting both of us because I am so utterly worn down. I do believe having him stay out there would be good for him, good for me in that I could get some rest, focus, and be a better mom for him, but the idea of it is killing me. I feel terribly guilty, as if I\u2019m abandoning him (I know I\u2019m not, but it\u2019s hard to swallow) and that he\u2019ll forget me. That I know isn\u2019t logical or true, but I do feel it sometimes. I found a great school that has an opening in January, but I am struggling. As tough as weeknights are \u2014 not helped by a job that is awful \u2014 I also cherish the fact we can take walks, go to the library after school, and share those small moments that make the day better. How do I wrap my head around this decision? If I do decide to have him be out there during the week, how do I talk to him about it? He loves Grandma and Grandpa, but I know he will always want to be at mommy\u2019s house. Crying, yet again, as I write this.<\/p>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Oh man, this is hard and I feel your anguish.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Okay, let\u2019s take a look at this. There is a ton of fear (normal), but not a lot of plans … so I would break this into short term, middle, and long term plans.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Short term: You have a job (that you hate) and an awful sleep situation. Sleep affects overall mental and physical health, so I am for anything that gets you sleep and maybe a needed break. You cannot (I imagine) up and quit your job, so a short-term solution for you may be the son going out to your parents while you visit every weekend (and more, if you can). This will go until June, right?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Middle term: While you take the spring to work and rest, you are going to figure out how to reconfigure your life to make it more livable. Can you get a job near your parents and live with them for a while? Is there another school near you, in the city? The spring will be used for the summer plans, and getting your financial\/work life together. Get a mentor, a coach, whatever you need to make your plans.<\/p>\n

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Long term: If the plans are nine weeks, nine months, nine years, I want you to begin to look on the horizon. This doesn\u2019t mean that everything will come to fruition … but let\u2019s say, you really want to get another degree or go back to school. You can begin making plans for that (that may involve the help of your parents or not). But you owe it yourself to yourself to do this.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Finally, if your toddler goes to his grandparents, there are plenty of ways to keep the attachment strong, such as send him with undershirts and pillowcases that smell like you, make picture books full of you and him, record stories on the recording app on your phone, and FaceTime, while confusing, is still a great way to connect. As long as you are committed to going every weekend, it is absolutely fine that your attachment village steps in. Just use this time to rest AND PLAN.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Join us for Meghan\u2019s next chat on Jan. 8.\u00a0You can ask your questions now<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is a slightly edited excerpt from\u00a0Meghan Leahy\u2019s online chat, Dec. 18. Q: Worry I keep hearing Jason Robards\u2019s line from Parenthood (the movie, get off my lawn) about how the worry with children never ends. I am really experiencing that lately, though my kids are still youngish. I have three kids, and there is always something to worry about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4326,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[165,301],"tags":[1364,271,8,446,583,21],"class_list":["post-4845","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-livechat","category-washington-post","tag-concern","tag-hitting","tag-parenting","tag-siblings","tag-single-mom","tag-worry"],"yoast_head":"\nWhen is worry too much worry, and more<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Excerpts from Meghan's On Parenting LiveChat discussing when is worry too much worry, how a single mom can get through and more\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"When is worry too much worry, and more\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Excerpts from Meghan's On Parenting LiveChat discussing when is worry too much worry, how a single mom can get through and more\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-01-09T02:45:21+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/shutterstock_243568054.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"500\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"333\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/\",\"name\":\"When is worry too much worry, and more\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2020-01-09T02:45:21+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-01-09T02:45:21+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"Excerpts from Meghan's On Parenting LiveChat discussing when is worry too much worry, how a single mom can get through and more\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-when-is-worry-too-much-worry-how-a-single-mom-can-get-through-and-more\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy: When is worry too much worry, how a single mom can get through and more\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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