{"id":4865,"date":"2020-01-22T21:21:00","date_gmt":"2020-01-23T02:21:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4865"},"modified":"2020-01-22T21:21:00","modified_gmt":"2020-01-23T02:21:00","slug":"how-do-we-present-a-united-front-when-our-parenting-styles-are-so-different","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-present-a-united-front-when-our-parenting-styles-are-so-different\/","title":{"rendered":"How do we present a \u2018united front\u2019 when our parenting styles are so different?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>We have a 4\u00bd -year-old boy. My husband is a fantastic dad, but we differ in parenting styles, and it often leads to disagreements. My mom preaches that both parents should be a united front at all times, but this is hard. I am very “go with the flow,” and my husband is much more strict. I accept that his style is different and mine is not necessarily better or worse, but I cringe at some of the things that come out of his mouth, and I need some advice on how to handle them. My husband of course sees my expression, even though I bite my tongue, and this makes him feel like he is less than. He is open to reading parenting advice articles that I place in front of him (mostly from this column), but he’s had “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” on his nightstand for a year and has not cracked it. Any advice?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>I have coached hundreds and hundreds of parents, and honestly? I haven\u2019t really met parents who are \u201con the same page,\u201d and furthermore, I am not even sure what that phrase means. When parents want to be on the same page, it usually means that one parent wants the other parent to change completely, or the communication is really off, or neither parent feels confident about their skills. Or all of the above. In any case, the aim of parenting is not to agree all of the time. It is to be yourself, understand your child and work with your partner in the most peaceful and kind way possible.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m also going to invite you to disregard your mother\u2019s sermons on parenting, not because she is wrong or unknowledgable, but because, from where I\u2019m sitting, it doesn\u2019t appear to be helping. We can lay advice aside when it becomes black and white.<\/p>\n

You are \u201cgo with the flow,\u201d and your husband is strict. Of course you cringe when he parents; I\u2019m sure he is dying inside listening to you, too. The good news is that you know he\u2019s a fantastic parent, and I\u2019m betting that you were initially attracted to each other for the very differences that trouble you now. Whether parents are strict or lackadaisical, two of the same type together can be quite problematic, whereas parents who differ? Although tough for you, these different styles are a wonderful yin-yang for your child. Although the easygoing parent may seem like the clear winner, there isn\u2019t any reason that your husband needs to change. Your 4\u00bd -year-old needs boundaries (and lots of them), so don\u2019t put your energy\u00a0into changing your husband.<\/p>\n

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What we do need to change is how, when and where you are communicating with your husband about his parenting. You\u00a0may not be saying how disappointed you are, but your disapproving face is as (or more) judgmental than the words. I can tell that you aren\u2019t trying to erode his confidence, but we have to shift the \u201cyikes\u201d energy into something more positive and clear.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Now that we\u2019ve accepted that both of your outlooks are necessary, you and your husband can begin to have some meetings. These meetings (maybe date night?) can consist of check-ins on the kiddo, how you feel\u00a0you<\/i>\u00a0handled an issue and topics related to different parenting philosophies. Many of us assume that we know everything about our spouses, but how they were raised and what they value can still be a mystery. It is worthwhile to unpack how you understand family and to discover where you agree and where you differ.<\/p>\n

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When it comes to certain issues that are driving you crazy (he\u2019s simply too strict about cleaning, for instance), pick a quiet and calm moment, and say: \u201cI see cleaning is important to you, and I think Rupert needs to learn to clean up his stuff. Let\u2019s find a way to encourage him that involves some fun.\u201d There\u2019s no accusatory language or \u201cbe like me\u201d or \u201cwhy are you like this?\u201d You are trying to meet in the middle.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Instead of the change sitting on your husband\u2019s shoulders (the unread book on his nightstand), decide to take a parenting class together. A group, website, workbook or anything else that promotes your communication skills as two distinct people would fit the bill.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0We have a 4\u00bd -year-old boy. My husband is a fantastic dad, but we differ in parenting styles, and it often leads to disagreements. My mom preaches that both parents should be a united front at all times, but this is hard. I am very “go with the flow,” and my husband is much more strict. 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