{"id":4893,"date":"2020-03-04T10:41:47","date_gmt":"2020-03-04T15:41:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4893"},"modified":"2020-03-04T10:41:47","modified_gmt":"2020-03-04T15:41:47","slug":"our-son-is-afraid-to-go-to-camp","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/our-son-is-afraid-to-go-to-camp\/","title":{"rendered":"Our son is afraid to go to camp"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I know it seems early, but I have a question on how best to handle mentally preparing our 8-year-old son for sleep-away camp in the summer. Our son, the eldest, whom we affectionately call Surfer Dude because of his laid-back personality, has been going on sleepovers with no issues, makes new friends easily, loves the outdoors and has gone from intrigued\/interested at the concept of sleep-away camp to very nervous\/spooked\/freaked out. It’s a four-week sleep-away camp (it’s normally seven, but we are doing the shorter\/intro version for first-time campers), and some amount of nervousness\/homesickness is totally expected. We visited the camp last summer so it wouldn’t be a completely unfamiliar place. I also have the names of kids and families in our area who are also going so that I can arrange playdates before the start of camp. The camp is a wonderful place, and, once there, I have all the confidence in the world that he will have a fantastic time. I am assuming that this new resistance\/fear of camp is because it is suddenly real vs. an intriguing concept that was far in the future. Are there any tips you can provide for talking about camp in a positive way, without ramming the “You’ll love it!” down his throat or being dismissive of his concerns? I know it is unreasonable to remove all fear and doubt, but I would like to start pushing the needle back into the excited zone and not have it so firmly wedged in the freaked-out zone.<\/p>\n
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A:\u00a0<\/b>Many parents are making their summer camp plans, so this is a timely question. And as a former campgoer and lover (who parents three children who refuse to go to sleep-away camp), I am big proponent of our little ones going to the right sleep-away camp.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Your essential question is: How can I make my son happy about going to camp? Here is the easiest answer I will ever give: You can\u2019t. You can\u2019t push the needle toward positivity, you can\u2019t cheerlead and you can\u2019t force him into excitement when he is freaked out. Why is this? The answer is both simple and complex, so let\u2019s dive in.<\/p>\n

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One of the fundamental ideas I focus on is that separation is the primary source of alarm. Humans, especially children, are built to be near each other, and when we are threatened with separation, we try to find ways to stay close to those we love.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When your son signed up for camp so many months ago, his head was filled with fun activities such as swimming and meeting new friends, and it was all far off and exciting. Going to camp was nothing to be afraid of because it wasn\u2019t immediate.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Then the actuality of going away begins to loom, and the fact that your son must leave his people sets in. The idea of leaving you alarms him, so camp isn\u2019t as great as it seemed before. Rationally, you list every conceivable reason to yourself and to him as to why camp is still a great idea (you visited before, he\u2019s there for less time, other kids from your area are going), but this is not a rational problem: It\u2019s an emotional one. There is no amount of problem-solving that will bypass the emotional need to be near the people we love.<\/p>\n

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What can you do to help your son feel more relaxed about attending camp?<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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1. Slow down or stop the problem-solving and rational choices. When children are worried, they don\u2019t tend to feel better when someone tells them not to be worried. (This is true for every human, no?) In fact, too much parental problem-solving can lead to more worrying in children, because it never solves the deeper fear of separation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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2. Replace the rational language with emotional language. Although it may be nerve-racking for you, agree with your son when it comes to his nervousness. Say things such as \u201cIt\u00a0is<\/i>\u00a0scary to go somewhere new,\u201d \u201cI can see how four weeks feels like a long time\u201d or \u201cNot knowing exactly what will happen can feel frightening.\u201d When children feel that their parents understand their heart, they can relax. This relaxation, although not fixing the specific worry per se, helps to lessen fear\u2019s grip on a child.<\/p>\n

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3. As you move through the emotional language, it is perfectly acceptable to problem-solve. Have your son write down his worries, and create some solutions together. If he\u2019s worried about making friends, can he practice some phrases or questions with you ahead of time? He can have questions in his back pocket, such as: \u201cWhere do you live?\u201d; \u201cDo you play Minecraft?\u201d; or \u201cI play a lot of baseball. Do you play a sport?\u201d These can be little openers that your son can turn to when he\u2019s feeling nervous. Conversely, you can practice asking him questions and having him answer you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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4. Understand that worries ebb and flow. Some days, your son will feel confident and ready, but as the date to leave nears, he will vacillate between excitement and fear. As the parent, don\u2019t get yanked around by his emotions. Instead, be like a strong boat on the waves. Listen, reflect back his worries to him, see if there is a solution and express confidence in his ability to go to camp, that he can use his fear to fuel his courage. I love to use the website Hey Sigmund (heysigmund.com<\/a>) as a resource to better understand anxiety, worries, children and parenting.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I know it seems early, but I have a question on how best to handle mentally preparing our 8-year-old son for sleep-away camp in the summer. Our son, the eldest, whom we affectionately call Surfer Dude because of his laid-back personality, has been going on sleepovers with no issues, makes new friends easily, loves the outdoors and has gone from […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4894,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,91,27,301],"tags":[263,1396,137,210,450,1398,1397],"class_list":["post-4893","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-fear","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-anxiety","tag-camp","tag-fear","tag-feelings","tag-separation-anxiety","tag-sleep-away-camp","tag-worries"],"yoast_head":"\nOur son is afraid to go to camp Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How do I handle mentally preparing our 8-year-old son for sleep-away camp in the summer. 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