{"id":4971,"date":"2020-04-08T22:10:23","date_gmt":"2020-04-09T02:10:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4971"},"modified":"2020-04-08T22:10:23","modified_gmt":"2020-04-09T02:10:23","slug":"my-husbands-at-home-with-3-boys-and-coronavirus-cabin-fever-is-setting-in-how-can-i-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-husbands-at-home-with-3-boys-and-coronavirus-cabin-fever-is-setting-in-how-can-i-help\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband\u2019s at home with 3 boys, and coronavirus cabin fever is setting in. How can I help?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I’m fortunate that my husband is a stay-at-home dad. I can’t even begin to contemplate how single parents or families where both parents work are coping in this\u00a0coronavirus<\/a>\u00a0situation. He’s doing his best, but he is getting so angry at our three kids \u2014 which I completely get \u2014 but it isn’t helping the situation. In a perfect world, the boys would be calm and focus on their schoolwork, but they’re getting cabin fever, and they have a lot of energy they need to let out. They miss their friends and teachers, and although they get it on some level, I know they don’t completely understand why this is happening. Any suggestions for how I can support my husband and keep him from losing his mind?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>Thank you for writing in; there are many people who are in the same boat as you are. Three busy children and a spouse who is at the end of their rope with the new routine sounds like my house. I don\u2019t know how old your children are, which is an important data point, and I don\u2019t know your work hours, but let\u2019s zoom out to find some solutions for this problem.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s review a couple of things you are never going to control. First, you will not control the coronavirus. The only thing you can do is what you are doing: Stay home and away from others. Second, you will not control your children\u2019s cabin fever or how they miss their friends and teachers, and you won\u2019t get them to \u201cbe calm and focus on their schoolwork.\u201d Even without this pandemic, this is a tall order for most children, and given that you and your spouse aren\u2019t teachers, this is an even taller order. Lastly, you are not going to control your husband\u2019s reaction and anger to this rapid and unwelcome change to his schedule. Clearly identifying what you cannot control as a parent and a spouse can bring into focus who you are in charge of here: yourself. That\u2019s it. Although it\u2019s panic-inducing for some, I find great relief in knowing that I cannot control others, especially my children. I can instead use my time, energy and resources to find what else may work.
\n[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

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To begin, your husband\u2019s anger is actually, right below the surface, frustration. Frustration is the emotion humans have when we cannot change what isn\u2019t working for us, and boy, we are all frustrated right now. Although humans are endlessly adaptable, this comes with a good deal of friction. The noise, busyness and lack of cooperation from three boys, as well as the disruption of a routine, is a huge change for your spouse, and he needs support.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The simplest and hardest way to support a frustrated human is to listen. Don\u2019t ask him how he is so that you can offer advice, don\u2019t point out what he is doing wrong, and don\u2019t lecture him on how everyone is in the same boat (and how others\u2019 boats are far worse). Just compassionately listen to how frustrating parenting is right now. My hope is, after some time, your spouse will just feel sad. Plain old sad, because that is how most of us feel right now. Sad to be distanced from people we like and love, and sad to lose the way of life we thought we had.<\/p>\n

After some listening, you can ask your spouse if he would like some support. You can offer having a family meeting and setting up a different routine, you can offer doing the bedtime or taking the boys outside during lunch so he can have a break to exercise or watch a show, or you can offer some different forms of play with the boys. (I really like what\u00a0Tinkergarten<\/a>\u00a0is doing \u2014\u00a0tinkergarten.com<\/a>.) You can offer working with the boys on some academic things. (Common Sense Media released a free site called\u00a0Wide Open School<\/a>,\u00a0wideopenschool.org,<\/a>\u00a0full of games, apps and lessons.) Only make offers of help that feel doable and authentic for you, otherwise you will resent your children and your spouse.<\/p>\n

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If your spouse is too overwhelmed or exhausted to work with you, decide what you can do on your own. In a perfect world, every adult would take full responsibility for their frustrations and how they react to them, but that is not the world we live in. So, find your husband\u2019s pain points and step in when you can. Maybe he isn\u2019t handling the evening well, so you decide to do it. Maybe he is frustrated by distance learning, so you offer to sit with the kids a couple of days a week. Whatever it is, just decide and try it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Finally, make a practice of finding what works within the family. At any shared meal, notice when the boys are kind to each other, notice when your husband\u2019s tone is even and patient, and notice when the dog sits when he is told. Really, notice any good thing in a quiet and easy way. With three rowdy boys and a frustrated husband, any good vibes are needed, and my hope is that your equanimity will bring some relaxation to the family. And when your frustrations reach a boiling point and you yell or blame or explode, say you\u2019re sorry and move on. It is good to show that getting through this is not about perfection or constant positivity; it is about rupture and repair, rupture and repair. Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I’m fortunate that my husband is a stay-at-home dad. I can’t even begin to contemplate how single parents or families where both parents work are coping in this\u00a0coronavirus\u00a0situation. He’s doing his best, but he is getting so angry at our three kids \u2014 which I completely get \u2014 but it isn’t helping the situation. 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