{"id":5023,"date":"2020-04-15T20:53:20","date_gmt":"2020-04-16T00:53:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5023"},"modified":"2020-04-15T20:53:20","modified_gmt":"2020-04-16T00:53:20","slug":"we-love-good-music-but-are-we-exposing-our-8-year-old-to-adult-themes-too-soon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/we-love-good-music-but-are-we-exposing-our-8-year-old-to-adult-themes-too-soon\/","title":{"rendered":"We love good music, but are we exposing our 8-year-old to adult themes too soon?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I’m a mom who is a music journalist, and my husband is a studio engineer. We live and breathe music (and always have). My 8-year-old daughter has always been into music, too, and mostly stuff that her father and I are also into. I’ve thankfully managed to avoid most “kids’ music,” because she prefers classic rock and grunge. Obviously, there are a lot of adult themes in this type of music, which we try to discuss with her whenever we can. Generally, she’s allowed to listen to and read whatever she wants, and she’s pretty good about coming to me with questions. We have a lot of musician biographies lying around the house, and she likes reading those sometimes. Recently, she was assigned a biography project at school and told her teacher she wanted to research either Brian Jones or Kurt Cobain. The teacher called me and was very concerned. I agreed to have her pick someone else. (She’s very into feminist history, too, so she can pick a historical figure who wasn’t a heroin addict.) Are we doing my daughter a disservice by not pushing her to listen to more “kid-friendly” music? On the one hand, I don’t want to damage her or expose her to too much adult stuff too soon, but on the other hand, I really would rather listen to the Doors over Taylor Swift when we get in the car.<\/p>\n
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A:\u00a0<\/b>I totally understand your resistance to \u201ckids\u2019 music.\u201d Listening to a kiddie version of a Beatles song is enough to make my ears bleed, too, but you aren\u2019t really asking me whether you are doing a child a disservice by prohibiting \u201ckid-friendly\u201d music. It sounds like you are really asking me whether you are exposing your daughter to \u201ctoo much adult stuff too soon.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The answer is: Maybe.<\/p>\n

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As I read your note, a memory struck me: I remember listening to Simon and Garfunkel\u2019s \u201cBridge Over Troubled Water\u201d on my dad\u2019s turntable, day after day, hour after hour. I was a harmony kid from the start. One day, after listening to \u201cThe Boxer\u201d for the 40th time, I turned and asked my dad what a \u201cwhore\u201d was, and, without missing a beat, he said something to the effect of: \u201cIt is a woman who has sex for money \u2014 or, sometimes, not even money.\u201d My 6- or 7-year-old mind was blown. Sex was something that happened on \u201cGeneral Hospital,\u201d and everyone was always \u201cin love.\u201d Money exchanging hands? And Paul Simon had done this? (I didn\u2019t even understand the idea that Paul was singing about a character, not himself.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I did not ask any more questions about this word or its meaning; a secret of the adult world had been revealed to me, and I dared not push it. But in my child mind, two things happened: I respected my dad for telling me the truth, and a little part of my childhood innocence was taken away. And before anyone spirals into some kind of trauma I may have experienced, learning about the \u201creal world\u201d is all childhood is. As children, we are shocked to learn that friends sometimes lie or steal. Children are surprised to learn how human adults are (remember when you thought your teachers slept at school?), and our little childhood hearts get broken and re-broken with all this humanity.<\/p>\n

The problem isn\u2019t really learning about heroin or suicide or any other adult malaise; it\u2019s really a question of when. When do we expose our children to the harsh realities of life?
\n[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]
\nIt depends on a couple of factors. Firstly, the younger the child, the more immature the brain. This essentially means that for kids around 5 and under, anything that happens to Kurt Cobain \u201cwill happen to Mommy.\u201d Because the brain is fixated on the main attachments, the child doesn\u2019t have anywhere to put this kind of trauma; it is too confusing and too upsetting. As a child heads toward the age of reason (around 7), the child can begin to have an understanding that bad things happen to other people, but it may still start a worry loop. First of all, these stories are awful. They are filled with loss, loneliness and heartache. Again, even a mature child doesn\u2019t know how to identify with it. To do so, a child has to accept some hard truths: People die (sometimes violently and at their own hands), adults make huge mistakes, and parents let children down.<\/p>\n

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So, beyond you liking Taylor Swift or not, you need to decide whether your child can actually handle these big ideas with equanimity and maturity. Is your daughter mature enough to know that some adults abuse substances and die, and some adults don\u2019t? Does she feel solid that this will not be you? Or does your daughter go into a worry loop, or begin to feel depressed or scared of the larger world?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Finally, remember this: Once your child learns these harsh realities, they are out there, but you can hold off on some of these rough truths for a while. So, is there a the middle ground between acid trips and Kidz Bop? Can we populate her mind and ears with something in the middle, so we give her brain a chance to catch up in maturity?<\/p>\n

You may say no, and that\u2019s your right. Just acknowledge that with the knowledge gained, some innocence is lost. Only you can figure out the balance you want to strike; just make sure the balance is more about your daughter\u2019s needs than your music taste.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I’m a mom who is a music journalist, and my husband is a studio engineer. We live and breathe music (and always have). My 8-year-old daughter has always been into music, too, and mostly stuff that her father and I are also into. I’ve thankfully managed to avoid most “kids’ music,” because she prefers classic rock and grunge. 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