{"id":5065,"date":"2020-05-27T16:50:34","date_gmt":"2020-05-27T20:50:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5065"},"modified":"2020-05-27T16:50:34","modified_gmt":"2020-05-27T20:50:34","slug":"meghan-leahy-i-had-my-child-quit-school-this-week","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-i-had-my-child-quit-school-this-week\/","title":{"rendered":"Meghan Leahy: I had my child quit school this week"},"content":{"rendered":"
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My 9-year-old quit school this week. Fourth grade, to be precise. And before I delve into the why and how of this decision, I want to clarify some details up front.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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First, her teachers are awesome. Although not the case for every student and family, Gigi\u2019s teachers are compassionate, even-keeled and developmentally appropriate with the work that is assigned. This also was a top-down message; our principal has been sending the message, from the start of this pandemic, that every family has to do what is best for them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Second, you may read this and think: \u201cPshhhht, she had eight days of school left. Who cares?\u201d And yes, having eight days left compared with, let\u2019s say, eight months, is a big difference, but here\u2019s the deal: I would have made the same decision either way. The situation, as it stood, was becoming untenable, and I would have pulled the plug on school with either five minutes or five months\u00a0left.<\/p>\n

How did it come to be that my 9-year-old quit digital learning? Like most families, we began quarantine with grit and resolve. Gigi is a good and dutiful student, and I had full confidence that all of my children would do well. They are independent(ish), and the schools were doing a great\u00a0job; I felt confident. And the\u00a0first\u00a0month and a half went pretty\u00a0well. Gigi was on top of her assignments, went to all of her Microsoft Teams meetings and joined her book clubs. She did her homework and watched her math videos. As she bumped along, it just so happened that my own business went haywire. Almost overnight, I became busier than I had ever been. My work hours went from \u201cpretty flexible\u201d to \u201c9\u00a0to\u00a05,\u201d and, because my spouse is working outside of the home, I didn\u2019t see how Gigi was beginning to lose focus. She began to whine more, beg for more screen time and walk around the house aimlessly. Seeing her lack of direction, I cut back on work, and we focused on her routine, but three days later, there she was again: unable to focus and now, tearful.<\/p>\n

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No matter how much I helped her organize or how much I sat near her or with her, there was no denying it: Gigi was burned out. Her wonderful teacher had meetings with her. I listened to her woes. I gave her movement breaks. We broke up the math videos. We changed times when we worked.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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All the while, my own work was piling up, and my stress was increasing. Why was I giving up all of my work time and giving all this effort? Not only was she not working, but Gigi also now hated schoolwork. This was a child who never hated school, and now she was even resisting reading, her favorite subject.<\/p>\n

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After a particularly long day, Gigi hit her final wall. She tends toward anxiety (like mother, like daughter), and the fact that she had fallen behind in her assignments was a bridge too far. She couldn\u2019t conceive ever making up the work, nor did she want to. And because this was primarily an emotional problem, there was no amount of logic or rational thought or solution I could bring\u00a0to it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Gigi\u2019s frustration became a meltdown like I hadn\u2019t seen since she was 5 or 6. Thrashing, screaming, throwing objects, you name it. She blew up big and then melted down hard, weeping.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As I sat on the floor next to her, it became clear that this was the end of our digital learning adventure. We had reached the end of what Gigi could give, and without the structure that school, teachers and her friends had offered, pre-coronavirus, she was lost.<\/p>\n

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While I had been helping parents listen to their children throughout the pandemic and encouraging them to not push digital learning to the detriment of the family\u2019s mental health, I still found myself feeling nervous about having my daughter quit distance learning. My fear talked to me about \u201cfalling behind\u201d and how I was \u201cletting her get away with something,\u201d but when I saw the relief in her eyes after I announced she could quit, I knew this was the only way forward.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So, all of our problems are over, right? Well, no. Without digital learning, gone is the structure of the day and the expectation of others. I am no longer fighting with Gigi about her assignments, but we are back figuring out how to fill her time. I am still working all day, and she and I have decided that she needs some kind of academic learning (albeit much shorter and no homework). So back to the drawing board we go with charts, routines and screen-time discussions.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Like every parent out there (working or not), I am tired, and I only wish I had saved myself some\u00a0grief when Gigi began to tell me with her own words that\u00a0she\u00a0couldn\u2019t keep up, she\u00a0couldn\u2019t\u00a0focus, and she was becoming too anxious.<\/p>\n

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I do know we\u2019ll return to school, and at least part of it will probably include a distance learning element. We\u2019ll start to figure out a strategy for that return.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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For now: How can you decide what to do with your child when it comes to digital learning and burnout?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Listen to your child<\/b>. They are often telling you how they feel long before they hit the wall.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Look for behaviors that are out of character<\/b>. Your child could be sneaking more screen time, running outside when it\u2019s time to sit down, becoming rude or picking fights about other issues. These could be flags that they are burned out. Also, look at sleep and digestion, as these can be signs of anxiety.<\/p>\n

Stay in communication with the teachers<\/b>. Unless the teachers are completely unsupportive, they will find ways to connect to your child. And they may decide to pull back, take a break or change some of the assignments.<\/p>\n

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Be watchful of your own stories<\/b>. If you grew up with stories such as \u201cwe don\u2019t quit,\u201d \u201cdon\u2019t be a whiner\u201d or \u201clife will leave you behind if you are weak,\u201d you are more likely to be living out those stories with your own children. Consciously or unconsciously, you could be teaching these stories to your children during this pandemic, and the stories are both untrue and harmful.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Remember that you are not pulling the plug on digital learning because of a \u201cbad day.\u201d You are changing this scenario because of a pervasive level of suffering, conflict and dread. This is a mental health issue.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Get prepared to start a new routine<\/b>. Because screen time can simply step in for digital learning, you need to find another way for your children to spend their days. This will be completely individualized for every family, but quitting digital learning doesn\u2019t mean you let go of structure and routine. You need it more than ever. Increased play, fun, laughter and creativity are always a good place to start in the new routine.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Never forget that you know your child best. Chronic anxiety, power struggles, misery, depression, begging, punishments and consequences are not a way to help a child learn, and you have the right to say, \u201cenough.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Pos<\/a>t.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Find all of Meghan’s resources here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Find out more about Meghan’s Online Parenting Class here.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My 9-year-old quit school this week. Fourth grade, to be precise. And before I delve into the why and how of this decision, I want to clarify some details up front. First, her teachers are awesome. Although not the case for every student and family, Gigi\u2019s teachers are compassionate, even-keeled and developmentally appropriate with the work that is assigned. 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