{"id":5068,"date":"2020-06-03T15:15:19","date_gmt":"2020-06-03T19:15:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5068"},"modified":"2020-06-03T15:15:19","modified_gmt":"2020-06-03T19:15:19","slug":"our-little-boys-anger-has-gotten-worse-with-the-pandemic-what-can-we-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/our-little-boys-anger-has-gotten-worse-with-the-pandemic-what-can-we-do\/","title":{"rendered":"Our little boy\u2019s anger has gotten worse with the pandemic. What can we do?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My almost-5-year-old has always been angry, yet also sweet. His preschool teacher last year said he would make scary, angry faces, and we see it, too. He’ll scowl angrily and yell at us if he doesn’t get his way, or he’ll hit us or his brother for no reason. He almost never wants to talk things out and avoids sharing his feelings. It had gotten better, but now, with four of us in confinement, we are at our wit’s end. Is this normal (pandemic or not)? What can we do? Also, we recently found out he had started pooping in the yard; it was two days until we caught it. Is this some anger expression?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>Anger is an issue for many families, and although I would love to give you some firm answers here, I am afraid I cannot.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing with anger: No one wants to be on the receiving end of it. Children\u2019s anger is exhausting and dispiriting, and of course parents want the anger to end \u2014 and now. We want for the child to simply stop being explosive or violent, making mean faces or using harsh language. This desire to just \u201cmake it stop\u201d is normal, and I don\u2019t blame you for feeling this way.<\/p>\n

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But because your son \u201chas always been angry,\u201d and because it got better (and now worse), and because his teachers noticed, and because he hits and cannot access his emotions .\u2009.\u2009. well, we need to get to the bottom of what is going on with your son. That he is angry we know, but why is the million-dollar question.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Here\u2019s the cycle that I see most often when it comes to the \u201cangry child.\u201d We have a child who may have been born a tiny bit more sensitive. They feel their own and other\u2019s emotions a little more intensely than some children. Or maybe their bodies are sending them mixed messages \u2014 feeling the world too much or too little. Or maybe the child is an extrovert born into a family of introverts (or vice versa). Whatever the case may be, there is some level of intensity, and there is frustration.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

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Add to this intensity how we parent this child, and then we have some anger issues. I want to be clear: Not every child is angry because of the parent\u2019s treatment, but in my experience, parents unknowingly grow the frustration and anger with their reactions. When a child is hitting or scowling or mean, our parenting instinct is often to punish. This isn\u2019t wrong or right, but when it doesn\u2019t work with the child (he becomes angrier, meaner, more violent), instead of choosing another strategy, we double down on consequences and punishments. It\u2019s like not being able to speak a language, and instead of learning it, you just keep repeating your own language, but louder. It is not going to ever work.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Again, I don\u2019t blame you for being frustrated, but this is your first bit of homework:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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1. When did the anger really begin? And what has been your part of the frustration? I want you to zero in on the \u201cwhen he does this, I do that\u201d dynamic, and what you may discover is something like this: \u201cRobert became angry after his brother was born and he went to school. I had a hard pregnancy and wasn\u2019t really emotionally available for anyone, including myself. That\u2019s when he started getting angry. We have been mostly punishing him since.\u201d Again, I don\u2019t know what you\u2019ll find out, but you must dig down if you want to help your\u00a0son.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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2. Acknowledge that what you are doing doesn\u2019t work. Obviously, you know this, because you wrote to me. (Good first step!) But I want you to make a list of what isn\u2019t working, from the punishment, to forcing him to talk about his feelings, to dragging him to his room, whatever it is. Again, this is not a tool of shame: This is a tool of clarity. The clearer you get about how you can control yourself, the easier the path forward.<\/p>\n

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3. Accept that anger is a form of frustration, and connection is the answer to this problem. Yes, you must stop him from harming humans and houses, but your son needs to feel you come alongside him, not work against him. The hard part of this positive work is that it takes time; there are no overnight fixes. I would recommend getting support to encourage you as you do this work. Also, pick up \u201cThe Explosive Child<\/a>\u201d by Ross Greene. I love his practical and positive vibes when it comes with working with difficult kids, and he has worksheets that help. I also love \u201cHow to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids<\/a>\u201d by Carla Naumburg for a lighter (but still important) tone and for keeping yourself accountable.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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4. Watch the boundaries. Just as I don\u2019t want you to use behavioral strategies to control your child\u2019s behavior, you do need to begin to meet with him to create some rules that you will stick to. For instance, you may allow ugly faces (because, really, who cares?), but hitting people will not be permitted. You may allow him to yell while in his room, but he cannot call names to everyone in the house. Work with your son in small, limited ways to keep boundaries firm and friendly while also not lowering the hammer on everything.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Finally, please get support. If your son has had anger issues forever, you will want to call his pediatrician and do a full work-up to check for any allergies or other issues. I would also recommend working with a neuropsychologist to check on learning issues, executive functioning issues or anxiety.<\/p>\n

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And it goes without saying, but please check into trauma (known or not), as trauma often has a way of showing up as anger in young children.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Find all of Meghan’s resources here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My almost-5-year-old has always been angry, yet also sweet. His preschool teacher last year said he would make scary, angry faces, and we see it, too. He’ll scowl angrily and yell at us if he doesn’t get his way, or he’ll hit us or his brother for no reason. He almost never wants to talk things out and avoids sharing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4330,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1143,268,443,136,1449,1439,1420,1450],"class_list":["post-5068","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-5-year-old","tag-anger","tag-connection","tag-frustration","tag-lashing-out","tag-pandemic","tag-quarantine","tag-trauma"],"yoast_head":"\nOur little boy\u2019s anger has gotten worse with the pandemic.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My 5-year-old has always had lots of anger, yet is also sweet. 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