{"id":5072,"date":"2020-06-10T21:35:17","date_gmt":"2020-06-11T01:35:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5072"},"modified":"2020-06-10T21:35:17","modified_gmt":"2020-06-11T01:35:17","slug":"a-tween-broke-the-family-social-media-rules-whats-a-parent-to-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/a-tween-broke-the-family-social-media-rules-whats-a-parent-to-do\/","title":{"rendered":"A tween broke the family social media rules. What\u2019s a parent to do?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I discovered our 12-year-old recently started a couple social media accounts, despite that being against our family rules for now. He denied it at first, then realized he was caught and apologized, explained how hard it is to NOT do these things, and we had a really good talk. But then a few days later, he hid the fact he hadn’t completed two homeworks that he got zeros on. We talked to him about honesty and that we’re not here to shame him, but to help him. But to me, this new sneakiness is concerning. He’s usually a very open kid. Is this just the stage we’re hitting? How do we create an environment where he’ll be comfortable talking to us when the big stuff comes?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>Tech and sneakiness and tweens, oh my. Let me say this: Your note was written to me pre-pandemic, but we are now in our third month of quarantine and incredible loss of life. A long summer stretches ahead of us with questions around work schedules, child care, camps and life as we knew it. Along with these adjustments are the sudden changes many of us parents have had to make around tech, apps and social media. Parents who were adamant and strict with screens have been forced to become lenient for child care while they work and for distance learning. Children\u2019s boredom has reached an all-time high, and many children are connected with one another via gaming, Snapchat and more. All of this to say: It\u2019s tough out there, to be a parent or a child.<\/p>\n

The first thing I want you to do is stay empathic; stay empathic toward your son and yourself. The sneakiness is not an indictment of your parenting nor his interior moral code, so try not to go down a rabbit hole. Although 13 is the age for most children to start social media accounts, many of us know that most children are signing up much earlier. We know that in 2016, according to a\u00a0survey by Common Sense Media, half of all children\u00a0<\/a>have some form of social media by the age of 12, so that\u2019s a whole lot of parents either deciding to allow it, deciding not to care or having no idea what their child is doing. And although we can parse out what this means in a larger parenting sense, you should take some comfort to know that you are not alone. Tweens\u2019 and teens\u2019 primary form of connection is texting and social media, so why wouldn\u2019t your son want these platforms? His FOMO is through the roof; he cannot see his friends, and it can begin to feel like social suicide not to be a part of these groups. So, give the kid a break; he is not an outlier.
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Second, the way to combat sneakiness is not through lecture, and I am putting all my bets that he felt lectured about his \u201chonesty.\u201d Of course, you didn\u2019t want to heap on shame, but the feeling is pretty automatic for humans, so I would ease up on talking about honesty and attributes connected to moral character. One, he has already lied, so there\u2019s no going back. And two, I am not sure he is really sorry, are you? In either case, it is not a fruitful path, so skip it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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With tweens, you want to make and keep boundaries, true, but you also want to continue to shift toward listening. You have two issues here, which are both separate and connected: the tech and the grades (both connected by some sneakiness). First, your tween wants to be with his friends and be a part of their social media world, and then he is also skipping some homework. Both of these issues are typical in the life of a tween, and although I know you want to land on it with plans, consequences and lectures about honesty, I would take this opportunity to be curious.<\/p>\n

Staying curious will open you to more dialogue, such as: \u201cSo it is really important for you to be on Snapchat. Tell me who is on it and what y\u2019all talk about\u201d or \u201cSo you miss a lot when you are not on Instagram. That must feel frustrating\u201d or \u201cI saw you missed some homework assignments .\u2009.\u2009.\u00a0\u201d and then stay silent and see what happens.<\/p>\n

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As you take a curious and listening stance, you may be able to see his point of view. And although I know that many parents are petrified of social media, I would encourage you to read Julianna Miner\u2019s book \u201cRaising a Screen-Smart Kid<\/a>.\u201d Yes, children get into trouble on social media, and they definitely binge it, but I hope your curiosity will open a line of communication between you and your son. If your son feels like you are on his side, it is easier to call a family meeting with him and create a plan together. State and uphold your boundaries (tech cannot be charged in his room, you have the right to his passwords, and whatever else you want to say), but find some wiggle room with your son.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As for the homework, tread lightly and pay attention. Let him know that you care about his learning more than you care about turning in assignments, and you will pay attention and help him in any way. What I am saying is: Don\u2019t overreact to the homework. His sneakiness is an invitation to connect with him. Take it. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Find all Meghan’s parenting resources here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I discovered our 12-year-old recently started a couple social media accounts, despite that being against our family rules for now. He denied it at first, then realized he was caught and apologized, explained how hard it is to NOT do these things, and we had a really good talk. 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