{"id":5083,"date":"2020-07-01T17:14:18","date_gmt":"2020-07-01T21:14:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5083"},"modified":"2020-07-01T17:14:18","modified_gmt":"2020-07-01T21:14:18","slug":"our-5-year-old-is-lying-how-can-we-steer-him-away-from-this-habit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/our-5-year-old-is-lying-how-can-we-steer-him-away-from-this-habit\/","title":{"rendered":"Our 5-year-old is lying. How can we steer him away from this habit?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Our 5-year-old son has started to stretch the truth in different ways. Initially, it would be creative things, such as seeing a dragon in the backyard. Now, he has expanded to telling Mom or Dad that the other parent said yes to something that was a no, such as bedtime or being allowed to open a present. What is the best way to address this with him? We would like to be united in our response. My partner tends to call him out and tells him he is lying (doesn’t name-call by calling him a liar) and that lying is serious and not good. I tend to talk to him about what led him to say what he said. Are there other approaches that may be effective but not traumatic for him? I feel like we have been missing the boat on the best way to address this. Thank you!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>Ah, congrats! You have a creative and bright child who has learned how to use that to his advantage; this is pretty typical.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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To better understand what you\u2019re seeing, let\u2019s take a look at why children \u201clie\u201d (or stretch the truth). To begin, children are often raised believing in magic. They have an unparalleled imagination, from Santa to the tooth fairy. Everything and anything is possible, and so there are fantastical stories to be shared, such as those involving dragons. Parents generally love these stories, and they will encourage them heartily.<\/p>\n

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But then, somewhere along the way, your son made an important discovery. He wanted, say, a cookie, and he asked Dad. Dad says no and leaves the kitchen. Shortly thereafter, Mom walks into the kitchen, and the boy asks for a cookie. \u201cSure,\u201d she says, and an idea takes root in his 5-year-old brain: Mom and Dad say yes and no to different things. Pretty soon, your son skips asking each of you separately and jumps to: \u201cCan I have a cookie? Mom said it\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Of course, your parenting alarms all go berserk! \u201cMy child is a liar! He will grow up to be a liar! We must put a quick end to this now!\u201d No parents like to have their child lie to them, but here is where I want to draw some distinctions. Is your child not telling the truth to get what he wants? Yes. Is your child actively manipulating you with planned lies? No, probably not. Typically, 5-year-olds are not savvy enough for this thought, but even if he is? You aren\u2019t going to get anywhere by calling him a liar, which you aren\u2019t doing, and that\u2019s great, nor are you going to get anywhere by telling him he is lying. In his mind, your son has cleverly found a way to get what he wants; he isn\u2019t lying!<\/p>\n

First, you and your husband should assume, moving forward, that your son is probably not telling the truth when he says: \u201cMom said I could have it.\u201d It would naturally follow, then, that you should stop asking him this question. Rather than expecting a 5-year-old to mature quickly, stop inviting the mistruths right away.<\/p>\n

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Second, have a parents\u2019 meeting about the tall tales. What do they involve? Food? Toys? Tech? As adults, establish some rules that are clear and concise so that you no longer need to wonder what the other one said.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Third, skip over the lying and go for family meetings instead. Use language such as: \u201cThere has been some disagreement around bedtime. Let\u2019s create a chart so we all know the deal. Ralph, what are three things that happen at night, and what time is bedtime?\u201d Use this forum for back-and-forth, clarity and allowing your son to have positive power, rather than the negative power of mistruths. You can create both rewards and consequences in these meetings; just do it together as a family.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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If you move forward positively, you will find that the lying will take care of itself. Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for parenting support? Find all the ways you can work with Meghan here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0Our 5-year-old son has started to stretch the truth in different ways. Initially, it would be creative things, such as seeing a dragon in the backyard. Now, he has expanded to telling Mom or Dad that the other parent said yes to something that was a no, such as bedtime or being allowed to open a present. What is the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5085,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1143,57,490,481,1458,1457,286,1456],"class_list":["post-5083","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-5-year-old","tag-bedtime-2","tag-creativity","tag-family-meeting","tag-fibbing","tag-imagination","tag-lying","tag-manipulating"],"yoast_head":"\nOur 5-year-old is lying. How can we steer him away from this habit?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Our 5-year-old son has started lying in different ways. 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