{"id":5213,"date":"2020-11-04T20:56:04","date_gmt":"2020-11-05T01:56:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5213"},"modified":"2020-11-04T20:56:04","modified_gmt":"2020-11-05T01:56:04","slug":"i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect while still holding boundaries?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q:\u00a0<\/b>I have an 11-year-old who recently dismissed me in a way I’m having trouble recovering from. I’m struggling with how to manage a household and allow my child freedom. Everything I say is interpreted as nagging or overbearing parenting. Do you have any advice on how to nurture a relationship with a tween while still providing guidelines on behavior? I’m of the opinion that we treat others how we want them to treat us. Can that apply\u00a0to tweens? If so, please tell me how? If not, how can I reframe my thinking?<\/p>\n
\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Thank you for this letter; it\u2019s full of parenting troubles, from feeling dismissed to middle school independence to guidelines on behavior. In lieu of writing a book on this, which is what a response to your note could be, I\u2019m going to take your questions one by one.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

First, I don\u2019t know how much freedom you should allow your child, because I don\u2019t know what happened, nor do I know your sensitivity or background. Your child could have given you the double bird or have simply rolled their eyes. There is a wide variety of behaviors that could have taken place, but here\u2019s the deal: An 11-year-old can be an intense person. Eleven-year-olds don\u2019t mean to be selfish, narcissistic or myopic. Their brains and hormones are growing and changing so quickly that it\u2019s hard for them to consider your perspective and desires, but trust me, middle-schoolers are empathetic creatures. Their behavior, though, is confusing, and parenting children this age can be emotionally draining, so you are not alone in wondering what you should do.<\/p>\n

This brings me to my next point: If I were coaching you, and you told me your child is constantly telling you that you\u2019re nagging and overbearing, we would look closely at that. It could be that your child has gotten away with a lot for years, and now you\u2019re laying down the hammer, and they\u2019re reacting poorly. Or it could be that you have always nagged, and now your tween has had enough. They have a voice, and they\u2019re\u00a0using it to tell you to back off.<\/p>\n

\n

Are you being unreasonable in your demands? I don\u2019t know. Ask a partner, a spouse, a friend or a professional what they think (choose someone honest and compassionate), and get real with yourself. Whether your child has been spoiled or you have always nagged them, we have to accept that continuously badgering your child will have one of two consequences: They will either fight you tooth and nail, or they will ignore you. You don\u2019t want either of these outcomes as you enter the teenage years.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

That brings me to my third point: You are raising a child who is (hopefully) going to grow into an independent adult. The relationship between a parent and a child is, at first, one of total control; when the child is a baby, all of the work is done by the parent. But as children grow, their independence increases depending on their temperament, development and environment. As\u00a0clinical psychologist Gordon Neufeld<\/a>\u00a0says, children begin to move into the driver\u2019s seat of their lives, in fits and starts, and you become more of the guardrail. Nurturing your 11-year-old means that you find a way to connect with them while keeping healthy boundaries. Walking this line is like a dance.\u00a0Some days, you\u2019re doing the cha-cha, and your child may be doing the waltz, but what matters most is that you\u2019re trying to connect and provide guidance.<\/p>\n

\n

Does this mean you drop behavioral expectations? No. Does this mean you allow your child to run roughshod over you? No. But punishments, nagging, resentment and guilt are not the road you want to take. Instead, spend some special time with your child. When children are young, parents get on the floor and build blocks with them. Now that your child is older, you need to find ways to connect for the simple pleasure of enjoying your child. Do whatever brings you together and allows you to have fun: milkshakes, hikes, basketball, art, video games. As\u00a0the relationship becomes easier, start making plans around them helping in the house, etc., but don\u2019t try to find \u201cone way\u201d to do things. Parenting means staying both strong and flexible.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

As for reading, I highly recommend Judith Warner\u2019s new book, \u201cAnd Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I have an 11-year-old who recently dismissed me in a way I’m having trouble recovering from. I’m struggling with how to manage a household and allow my child freedom. Everything I say is interpreted as nagging or overbearing parenting. Do you have any advice on how to nurture a relationship with a tween while still providing guidelines on behavior? I’m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4393,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[448,163,59,1512,269,1440,382],"class_list":["post-5213","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-attitude","tag-boundaries","tag-chores-2","tag-dismissive","tag-nagging","tag-tween","tag-tweens"],"yoast_head":"\nI feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect & still hold boundaries?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I have an tween who recently dismissed me in a way I'm having trouble recovering from. How do I manage a household and allow my child freedom.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect & still hold boundaries?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I have an tween who recently dismissed me in a way I'm having trouble recovering from. How do I manage a household and allow my child freedom.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-11-05T01:56:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/shutterstock_323555300-1.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"6481\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"4895\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/\",\"name\":\"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect & still hold boundaries?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2020-11-05T01:56:04+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-11-05T01:56:04+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"I have an tween who recently dismissed me in a way I'm having trouble recovering from. How do I manage a household and allow my child freedom.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect while still holding boundaries?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect & still hold boundaries?","description":"I have an tween who recently dismissed me in a way I'm having trouble recovering from. How do I manage a household and allow my child freedom.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect & still hold boundaries?","og_description":"I have an tween who recently dismissed me in a way I'm having trouble recovering from. How do I manage a household and allow my child freedom.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2020-11-05T01:56:04+00:00","og_image":[{"width":6481,"height":4895,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/shutterstock_323555300-1.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/","name":"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect & still hold boundaries?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2020-11-05T01:56:04+00:00","dateModified":"2020-11-05T01:56:04+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"I have an tween who recently dismissed me in a way I'm having trouble recovering from. How do I manage a household and allow my child freedom.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-feel-dismissed-by-my-tween-how-can-i-connect-while-still-holding-boundaries\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"I feel dismissed by my tween. How can I connect while still holding boundaries?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5213"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5213"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5213\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5214,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5213\/revisions\/5214"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4393"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5213"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5213"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5213"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}