{"id":5223,"date":"2020-11-25T13:20:10","date_gmt":"2020-11-25T18:20:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5223"},"modified":"2020-11-25T13:20:10","modified_gmt":"2020-11-25T18:20:10","slug":"i-think-my-husbands-parenting-strategy-is-a-bad-one-what-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-think-my-husbands-parenting-strategy-is-a-bad-one-what-now\/","title":{"rendered":"I think my husband\u2019s parenting strategy is a bad one. What now?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My husband is very focused on making our highly spirited 5-year-old “obey.” It causes fights about things such as getting out of the tub, which I think is insane. How can I best explain to him that this is a bad strategy? I am not getting through to him, and I’m worried. I aim for cooperation with my son and feel that I get it about 90 percent of the time, which is all I can ask for from a 5-year-old.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>You get 90\u00a0percent cooperation with your son? Sign me up for your parenting classes! I think that much cooperation between any two people is downright miraculous. It could be that you\u2019re exaggerating, it could be that you and your son\u2019s temperaments are like peanut butter and jelly, or it could be that you\u2019re one heckuva parent. In any case, kudos.<\/p>\n

Now for your controlling spouse. Although fighting with a 5-year-old about exiting the tub may feel insane to you, I will confess to sillier arguments with my own children (see my book, \u201cParenting Outside the Lines<\/a>,\u201d for some of my finer moments), and I know many parents who have trapped themselves into utterly inane power struggles. I\u2019m not suggesting this is okay or good; I\u2019m just trying to normalize power struggles with a 5-year-old.
\n[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]
\nBy way of a quick primer on the typical 5-year-old, it is important to differentiate between a 5-year-old and a 5\u00bd -year-old. Six months doesn\u2019t mean much for adults, but it can be a developmental sea change for our children. A 5-year-old can be steady, confident and motivated, while a 5\u00bd -year-old can be tyrannical, insecure and\u00a0clingy. For all the parents of 5-year-olds out there who either wonder where your sweet child went or, conversely, are grateful your child feels more even-tempered, you aren\u2019t losing it.<\/p>\n

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But no matter the stage of a child, a parent cannot force them to obey. In fact, the more you force, the less obedience you get. It\u2019s maddening, really. Obedience is defined as submissive or dutiful compliance, which is not actually a parenting goal.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Obeying (or following the commands and wishes of one in authority) is an outcome of both maturation and a deeply connected parenting relationship. In essence, when a child feels emotionally and physically safe with their parent, that child\u00a0wants<\/i>\u00a0to obey. Of course, numerous problems can stand in the way of a child\u2019s obedience (neurological and developmental issues, mental illness, etc.), so I don\u2019t want to lay obedience purely at the parent\u2019s feet. But the point still stands: A parent cannot force a child to obey. And shaming or abusing a child into obedience comes at a deep and long-lasting emotional cost to that child.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t recommend telling your husband that he is using \u201cbad\u201d strategies, because, unless he is devoid of all emotion, he is probably quite aware that he\u2019s waging a losing war against your child. Your spouse may also feel threatened or embarrassed that your son obeys you, causing him to double down on the power struggles. In any case, your spouse needs support, not judgment or shame. Here are some ideas:<\/p>\n

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\u25cfRead a book together. If I\u2019ve recommended them once, I\u2019ve recommended them a million times, but the\u00a0Louise Bates Ames<\/a>\u00a0books are clear, short and easy.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u25cfPick a book that either has questions in it for journaling or that has a workbook attached to it. I\u2019m thinking of the \u201cPeaceful Parent<\/a>\u201d series by Laura Markham, the \u201cPositive Parenting<\/a>\u201d series by Rebecca Eanes, or the Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson \u201cNo-Drama Discipline<\/a>\u201d set.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u25cfTake a parenting class together. I\u2019m a fan of\u00a0the Neufeld Institute<\/a>,\u00a0Susan Stiffelman<\/a>\u00a0and the\u00a0Parent Encouragement Program<\/a>\u00a0in Kensington\u00a0Md. (And yes, I teach a class!)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u25cfGet coaching, either together or separately. An impartial voice of reason and knowledge can bring both compassion and concrete homework to help combat the power struggles.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u25cfI\u2019m also going to put a therapist on the list, because parenting is stressful and, if your spouse is responding to his own childhood or other emotional issues, he may need more support than a book. Challenging our own controlling personality can be vulnerable and painful work, so it is best done with a trained professional (read: not you).<\/p>\n

Whatever you decide, please run some interference between your son and spouse so the fights aren\u2019t epic, and continue offering compassionate support (and boundaries) to your spouse. Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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