{"id":5250,"date":"2020-12-23T14:35:20","date_gmt":"2020-12-23T19:35:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5250"},"modified":"2020-12-23T14:35:20","modified_gmt":"2020-12-23T19:35:20","slug":"my-son-is-sick-of-being-online-all-day-for-school-how-do-i-get-him-to-do-counseling-online","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-son-is-sick-of-being-online-all-day-for-school-how-do-i-get-him-to-do-counseling-online\/","title":{"rendered":"My son is sick of being online all day for school. How do I get him to do counseling \u2014 online?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Any advice for getting a 7\u00bd -year-old second-grader to do therapy with the school counselor via Zoom when one of his big frustrations is all the tech he has to do for school? Yes, we have been talking to the counselor and teacher, and yes, I (the mom) am in therapy for my own anxiety, but my child really needs an outlet for his big feelings. He’s a spirited, very bright kid who is highly social, in school 2\u00bd hours a day, four times a week and is online for his homework, special classes (art, gym, etc.) and reading group with his regular teacher. He has been acting out in person and online, and he’s highly frustrated and angry a lot. We don’t blame him, and we’re trying to connect as much as possible, but we really think he needs professional help. He did talk to the counselor online recently for a brief time, but I feel as if we may have a battle every time.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>I have nothing but empathy for your entire family and for every family facing these same challenges. I know you\u2019re doing your very best during this awful time, so it\u2019s important to understand what is behind his big emotions in a deeper way.<\/p>\n

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First, you are anxious. Did you know anxiety is highly hereditary? Environmental factors also play an important role, but it\u2019s not surprising that your son is showing signs of anxiety. Second, \u201cspirited\u201d and \u201cvery bright\u201d are parenting code words for many things, but I tend to look at giftedness and executive functioning issues. The difficult part of it is your son can be gifted and separately anxious, or he can be gifted, but it looks like anxiety.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Confused yet?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Because the human brain is complicated and beautiful, it can develop coping mechanisms to try to side step, or \u201chelp,\u201d the original problem, making it hard to diagnose what\u2019s going on with your son. Is he anxious, angry and frustrated because he\u2019s gifted and life is moving too slowly and he doesn\u2019t have coping skills? Or is he simply anxious, which also manifests in anger and frustration? On top of all this, I don\u2019t know how long he has had these big feelings. Is this a new development during the pandemic, or has he been an intense child since he was born? I also don\u2019t know whether there have been any transitions in the family, such as losses, moves, additions, etc.<\/p>\n

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We have this intense, bright and frustrated child who is understandably suffering under the weight of a strange hybrid education. He is 7, which is a wonderful developmental age (each age has its ups and downs), but he clearly cannot express his feelings without boiling over. It makes sense to want to use a counselor, but there are two big issues: This requires more screen time (thumbs down) and a trusting relationship with the therapist (which takes time).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Although we all assume that counselors help people because they are so skilled, it\u2019s actually the warm, compassionate relationship between child and counselor that allows for change to take place. Without trust and an inherent sense of safety, the child is no more likely to be helped by a counselor than by a person on the street. All of this to say: Don\u2019t put all your eggs in the counselor basket. It flies in the face of all reason to \u201cbattle\u201d to get your child to speak to the online counselor. If there is mild resistance and he\u2019s happy when he\u2019s there, great. But battle? It feels as if you\u2019re adding frustration to frustration. Let\u2019s get some new ideas going.<\/p>\n

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1. You see your child the most, so look into how you can parent your anxious child. There are so many ways to support your child in building coping skills, including online classes at the Neufeld Institute (neufeldinstitute.org<\/a>) and the website Hey Sigmund (heysigmund.com<\/a>).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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2. If you think this is a long-term problem, call your pediatrician to rule out allergies and other biological reasons that could lead to anger and frustration.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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3. I asked my friend\u00a0Fallyn Smith<\/a>\u00a0for her advice, because she works as an elementary school counselor and coach. She told me: \u201cMake sure to acknowledge him for being willing to do that first session.\u201d Celebrate small movements forward. Parents want change, and we want it fast, but we need baby steps here. Smith also recommends that your son see the counselor in person during the hybrid hours, because that will help move the relationship along.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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4. Smith made a recommendation that I found useful: Ask your son\u2019s teacher to lessen the workload on the days he sees the counselor. He\u2019s only 7; there\u2019s no need to push the academics, especially if he\u2019s feeling emotionally vulnerable.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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5. If the counselor is using techniques to help your son relax (box or deep-belly breathing, visualization, etc.), please be sure to model these yourself. Your son is too young to remember these techniques in the midst of frustration \u2014 not to mention, they will help your own anxiety.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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6. Finally, Smith says (and I agree) that it\u2019s important to normalize this kind of suffering right now. Let your son know he\u2019s doing the best he can in a pretty tough situation, and so many other children feel just like he does.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0Any advice for getting a 7\u00bd -year-old second-grader to do therapy with the school counselor via Zoom when one of his big frustrations is all the tech he has to do for school? 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