{"id":5260,"date":"2021-01-20T22:42:26","date_gmt":"2021-01-21T03:42:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5260"},"modified":"2021-01-20T22:42:26","modified_gmt":"2021-01-21T03:42:26","slug":"good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/","title":{"rendered":"Good kids sometimes lie to their parents. Shame and harsh punishments will only push them away."},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

Q:\u00a0<\/b>We just discovered our 13-year-old was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way: sneaking time on her phone at night and during virtual school hours, and going on YouTube on her school computer during school hours. She got in over her head after she signed up for the “Royale High” Roblox game and started chatting with older teens who exposed her to inappropriate situations through the game’s chat and messaging platforms.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n

She is a good kid and has involved parents who love and support her. We saw the signs, but we didn’t act, because we were trying to show her that we trusted her and didn’t want to be controlling. Big mistake.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

We discovered there was a problem when we looked at her grades after Christmas. For the first time, she had D’s and C’s. She has lost all device privileges, and she even has to ask for permission to watch TV. She’s grounded from anything social, and her Christmas presents are gone.<\/p>\n

\n

We of course sat down with her twice before school started and went through what happened to understand what she was thinking and had been exposed to, and to really make her understand how selfish and dangerous her actions were. We were in shock by this, and my heart was broken. I would have never dreamed that she would have lied to us like this so early on and sought out such unhealthy negative attention.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

How long do we hold her to these consequences, and how do we begin to repair the way she perceives her world and family? The media is nonstop sex and superficial images of self and material things. I believe her phone apps are to blame. TikTok and YouTube have really given her an unhealthy self-image. I don’t foresee giving back her phone for a few years. It has brought a sickness into our home that I never thought we would have to face.<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Whoa, boy. I empathize with you. As a mother with a child who is using (addicted to) Roblox, I feel you. And as a woman who once was a 13-year-old who lied, I feel for your daughter. There is a lot to unpack here, and there\u2019s so much I do not know. Your daughter signed up for a very popular game, got sucked into some shenanigans (of which, I don\u2019t know \u2014 sexting, inappropriate images?), understandably blew off school (the tech is too seductive), got bad grades and has been punished severely for all of it.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the deal: I have no idea how your daughter feels. I see how you feel (rightly upset), but where is your daughter in all of this? She is far more than a collection of her mistakes, and we must see that to move forward. Although consequences were and are required, grounding her from everything social, taking away her Christmas presents (!!!!) and taking her phone for a few years feels like a lot. Like,\u00a0a lot<\/i>\u00a0a lot. And I am not even sure it\u2019s practical. Do you really want to deny her access to a phone for the next few years?<\/p>\n

Again, although I completely empathize with your shock, I need you to hear me: Teens sometimes lie to their parents. Your daughter knew she was stepping outside of the family\u2019s rules. She probably felt as if she was violating her own rules, so to keep going, she had to lie about it. This can be the young teen mind. Even when teens know \u201cthe right path,\u201d the influence of others, the power of technology and the desire to be liked and seen overrides their morals. This is not an indictment of her entire character; it\u2019s life. Good kids sometimes lie. And fall prey to the influence of older teens. And fail some classes. And get into some trouble.<\/p>\n

\n

Your question to me is: \u201cHow long do we hold her to these consequences, and how do we begin to repair the way she perceives her world and family?\u201d My answer is: I don\u2019t know, because these are not the questions I think we should be asking. Instead of only considering your effect upon her, I would also like to reflect on her experience. What would happen if you instead chose to support her during this tough time? This doesn\u2019t mean handing back her phone; it means we help her to unpack the images she saw or what the teens said. We are not going to \u201crepair\u201d the way she sees the world; the toothpaste ain\u2019t going back in the tube. And I am concerned at how deeply you seem to want her to return to being a young child; it is not happening. The work of \u201crepair\u201d needs to happen in your relationship with her, because as I see it, it is you who has hurt her.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Our work, as parents of teens, isn\u2019t to punish and shame them into perfection and innocence. It is to walk with them as they inevitably come into contact with these tough realities. By cutting your daughter off from everything good in her life, by taking away her Christmas gifts (I am clearly reeling from this one), by continuing the shock and heartbreak, you are building a deep crevasse between you and your daughter. This separation will not lead to her healing and good mental health; it will lead to depression, anger or more sneakiness \u2014 or all three. Your daughter didn\u2019t resist the siren song of the older teens before, and if we keep punishing her, we will send her right back to them.<\/p>\n

\n

I am not suggesting you hand her technology back and forget it all happened, but we need to walk back some of the bigger punishments here. Say: \u201cGertrude, I want you to have your Christmas gifts back. I think I freaked out and went a little too harsh with that one.\u201d Then give them back. You won\u2019t lose face, trust me. Next, I would call meetings with her where you work together to help her earn back her tech and some freedom. Yes, she violated the rules, and yes, she has lost your trust, but we must parent in a way where there is always a way to move forward.\u00a0Always.<\/i>\u00a0It is your parental responsibility to build this path forward, so this event can be a lesson learned, not a stain on her entire personhood. Loving her unconditionally is as important now as it ever will be, so find your way there. Stat.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

As you meet with her to create this path, I would also help her learn about sex and sexuality. (Watch all the videos you need to on\u00a0amaze.org<\/a>, then show them to her and chat.) I would educate myself about what tech does to the brain (I recommend Julianna Miner\u2019s \u201cRaising a Screen-Smart Kid<\/a>\u201d), and find a middle road between all tech allowed and all media is \u201cnonstop sex and superficial images of self and material things.\u201d I don\u2019t disagree with you, but your parental job is to help her cope with this, not rip it all away and stick your head in the sand.<\/p>\n

If I sound a tad harsh with you, it is because you have an important opening here. You allowed her freedom, and she made a whole host of mistakes. Lesson learned. But swinging to the opposite end of the spectrum is just as bad. Your relationship with your teen needs to exist somewhere in the middle with flexibility, compassion, boundaries and a lot of unconditional love. If you cannot get there alone, please seek out counseling or a coach. You deserve just as much support; no one needs to go it alone. Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0We just discovered our 13-year-old was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way: sneaking time on her phone at night and during virtual school hours, and going on YouTube on her school computer during school hours. She got in over her head after she signed up for the “Royale High” Roblox game and started chatting with older teens who […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4393,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,1492,301],"tags":[1347,194,1537,286,193,164],"class_list":["post-5260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting-in-a-pandemic","category-washington-post","tag-bad-grades","tag-consequences","tag-good-kids","tag-lying","tag-punishment","tag-technology"],"yoast_head":"\nGood kid sometimes lie to their parents.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We just discovered our god kid was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way. Now she's grounded and her Christmas presents are gone.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Good kid sometimes lie to their parents.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"We just discovered our god kid was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way. Now she's grounded and her Christmas presents are gone.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-01-21T03:42:26+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/shutterstock_323555300-1.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"6481\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"4895\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/\",\"name\":\"Good kid sometimes lie to their parents.\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2021-01-21T03:42:26+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-01-21T03:42:26+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"We just discovered our god kid was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way. Now she's grounded and her Christmas presents are gone.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Good kids sometimes lie to their parents. Shame and harsh punishments will only push them away.\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Good kid sometimes lie to their parents.","description":"We just discovered our god kid was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way. Now she's grounded and her Christmas presents are gone.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Good kid sometimes lie to their parents.","og_description":"We just discovered our god kid was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way. Now she's grounded and her Christmas presents are gone.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2021-01-21T03:42:26+00:00","og_image":[{"width":6481,"height":4895,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/shutterstock_323555300-1.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/","name":"Good kid sometimes lie to their parents.","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2021-01-21T03:42:26+00:00","dateModified":"2021-01-21T03:42:26+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"We just discovered our god kid was abusing her phone\/device privileges in a big way. Now she's grounded and her Christmas presents are gone.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/good-kid-sometimes-lie-to-their-parents-shame-and-harsh-punishments-will-only-push-them-away\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Good kids sometimes lie to their parents. Shame and harsh punishments will only push them away."}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5260"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5260"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5260\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5261,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5260\/revisions\/5261"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4393"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}