{"id":5526,"date":"2021-04-14T17:32:24","date_gmt":"2021-04-14T21:32:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5526"},"modified":"2021-04-14T17:32:24","modified_gmt":"2021-04-14T21:32:24","slug":"my-8-year-old-is-constantly-mean-to-her-sister-how-can-i-correct-her-behavior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/childhood-behavior\/my-8-year-old-is-constantly-mean-to-her-sister-how-can-i-correct-her-behavior\/","title":{"rendered":"My 8-year-old is constantly mean to her sister. How can I correct her behavior?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Our 8-year-old is pretty much constantly rude, critical and superior-acting toward her 5-year-old sister, who rarely, if ever, instigates it. We’ll try to call our older daughter out when we hear it, by saying things like, “Hey, that wasn’t kind; try saying it differently.” If she can’t come up with a good rephrasing, we will give her some examples. If it continues, she might get sent to her room, but we try not to do that often, as I think it just makes her angrier. We talk to her about this very often during calm times \u2014 what makes her lash out this way, why it’s important to be kind, how it makes those around her feel, etc. But it’s really not improving at all. I’m out of ideas on how to help her with this, and our normally very sweet younger daughter is starting to mimic some of the mean things she hears her sister say. Any suggestions?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>Thank you for writing in. Trust me when I tell you that you are not alone in having an older sibling who is rude to their younger sibling. This is a common parenting and family problem, and you have given me important information.<\/p>\n

Number one, you have clearly identified what isn\u2019t working for your 8-year-old daughter: calling her out, asking her to say something differently, sending her to her room and speaking to her about behaving differently, as well as being more kind. This list is a good start, because it is good parenting information to know what is failing and then dig into the why. Why doesn\u2019t your daughter want to restate something more kindly? Why doesn\u2019t your daughter improve when she is sent to her room? Why isn\u2019t she kinder when she is told, over and over, that it is important to be kind? I am not sure, but one answer is clear: Your 8-year-old is quite discouraged.<\/p>\n

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What does it mean when a child is discouraged? Well, how do you feel when you are discouraged? It may feel like you want to do, say or be better, but your attempts simply don\u2019t work. For instance, I was struggling with a website recently and my attempts to fix the problem weren\u2019t working. I searched for a human to talk to, but that wasn\u2019t an option. I felt deeply frustrated and discouraged: I didn\u2019t know how to fix my problem, I felt stupid, and I felt unsupported. And I had a little tantrum, all by myself. I cursed the website and my lack of knowledge, and then I slammed my laptop shut. Tantrum. I was frustrated that the website would not work, and I was discouraged that I could not make it work. I felt I was lacking.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Discouragement runs deep and when we further shame a child, the child becomes more and more discouraged. Shaming looks like sending a child to a room (separation causes alarm and panic), lecturing about kindness and forcing them to repeat their words \u201cdifferently.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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If you don\u2019t know why this is, practice feeling frustrated and then having a friend or partner correct you the way you are correcting your 8-year-old. You will feel unheard, unappreciated and unseen. And since your child is still young, she doesn\u2019t have the skills and maturity to pivot into wisdom or a change in behavior.<\/p>\n

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A saying in the parent-coaching world is this: \u201cIf your child could do better, they would.\u201d Assume your daughter is doing the best she can. This assumption will soften your heart to her, as well as soften your heart to yourself because she is not the only one discouraged. It is discouraging to watch siblings hurt each other, try to fix it and fail. It is discouraging to watch bad behavior spread. It is discouraging to feel as though you have run out of options.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

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How do we get the encouragement going in your family? Well, let\u2019s stop what isn\u2019t working. Analyze when the sisters seem to fight, and decide to be more present. Instead of asking your 8-year-old to repeat what she said, go in and take her or her sister to another location. Simply stop the action and keep the day moving. You don\u2019t even need to say anything. I find that when the parents try to talk, the situation ends up feeling more fraught and angrier.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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You have already figured out that sending your daughter to her room is too damaging, so the more nasty and angry she becomes, the more she needs love. This may look like getting on her level, waiting for her to calm down, hugging her, helping her breathe or going on a walk. Staying with a child during a struggle conveys unconditional love, and unconditional love makes a human feel secure.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When moments are calm, it is time to have fun with your 8-year-old. She needs to see joy reflected in your eyes rather than just disappointment, correction and anger. Having fun is the antidote for discouragement because humans don\u2019t improve with shame and anger, especially children. Art, sports, driving around, eating something yummy, cooking together, reading, anything that brings a feeling of peace and happiness is what you are going for.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As your daughter thaws, you may find that you can get curious about her feelings toward her little sibling. Curiosity and lectures don\u2019t coexist well; ask more questions than you make statements and see if that cannot improve the communication between you and your 8-year-old.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Finally, look for any favoritism toward that 5-year-old. Siblings can sniff out a preferred child a mile away, so stay curious about your biases. Could it be, for instance, that the 5-year-old really isn\u2019t as innocent as you think? I am not saying that she is purposely \u201cbad,\u201d she\u2019s 5, but I am saying that sibling dynamics are often more complicated than we parents realize. It is useful to look at the patterns we are building by what we pay attention to.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0Our 8-year-old is pretty much constantly rude, critical and superior-acting toward her 5-year-old sister, who rarely, if ever, instigates it. We’ll try to call our older daughter out when we hear it, by saying things like, “Hey, that wasn’t kind; try saying it differently.” If she can’t come up with a good rephrasing, we will give her some examples. 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