{"id":5535,"date":"2021-04-28T15:47:28","date_gmt":"2021-04-28T19:47:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5535"},"modified":"2021-04-28T15:47:48","modified_gmt":"2021-04-28T19:47:48","slug":"ive-tried-everything-how-do-i-get-my-3-year-old-to-sleep","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/ive-tried-everything-how-do-i-get-my-3-year-old-to-sleep\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019ve tried everything. How do I get my 3-year-old to sleep?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: <\/b>Do you have any recommendations for managing horrible bedtimes with a 3-year-old? He will not stay in his room, let alone his bed, and it takes hours upon hours to get him to sleep, even when he’s exhausted. We’ve tried: letting him stay up and fall asleep wherever; the routine the physician recommended; staying outside the room and putting him back in bed; an earlier bedtime; a later bedtime; rewards; consequences; and more, and it just feels like an endless cycle. It’s miserable for both of us, and I’m exhausted, which doesn’t help. How do I make bedtime calming and loving, rather than an endless battle?<\/p>\n
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A:\u00a0<\/b>I\u2019m exhausted from reading this letter, so my first bit of advice is simple: Let\u2019s stop. Stop the chronic and constant changing of routines, the manipulation, the rewards, the consequences \u2014 all of it. Not only is it not working, but it\u2019s also causing more harm. And there\u2019s nothing ostensibly wrong with anything you\u2019re doing (please, no guilt), it\u2019s just time to let go of these strategies.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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And please know that many families have been dealing with serious sleep issues. Many children simply aren\u2019t tired enough to fall asleep. They haven\u2019t played enough outside or run around with their buddies; they haven\u2019t moved their bodies at the park; and they have been in front of too many screens. You\u2019re not alone, and the questions I always ask are: Has the child moved their body, and have we stopped screens a couple of hours before bed?<\/p>\n

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Let\u2019s get back to basics. What do people need to rest and sleep? They need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally. Is your home a safe place? (I have to ask, because many homes are not.) Have there been any big or small transitions? Do you use punishments, the threat of punishments or harsh consequences throughout the day? Do you threaten to take your presence away from him? These threats, while common in parenting, can cause a great deal of upset for preschoolers. People need to feel safe, and they do that by staying close to the ones they\u2019re connected to. If you\u2019re threatening to remove yourself from your son, he is staying in a low- or even high-level panic. His nervous system is jumpy, and you\u2019ll see behaviors such as jumping out of bed to follow you, clinginess and crying, just to name a few.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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The best part of your note to me is that your heart knows exactly what to do: You want to make bedtime calm and loving. How do we do this? Well, if people need safety, and we get that feeling from belonging to a warm and loving attachment, we must first stop removing ourselves from our child as punishment or manipulation. Because you are both in a bit of a behavioral rut, this is not an overnight process (pun intended). It\u2019s going to take a bit of time for him to trust that you aren\u2019t going to go back to the old behavioral shenanigans from before, so you\u2019ll see him testing and retesting the system to check. Please know this is not a sign of failure; it\u2019s a sign of change. If you want calm and loving, change is required.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I would call a meeting with him and say: \u201cSeth, let\u2019s make a bedroom chart together! I\u2019m going to take pictures of you doing the three things we need to do every night, and we\u2019re going to hang it up to remember!\u201d You go through the routine (bath, teeth, books) and make the chart, and remember: The power is\u00a0not<\/i>\u00a0in the chart. The power is in smiling, laughing, being creative and enjoying each other. Your connection with him is outside of the bedtime routine, too.<\/p>\n

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Next, stop talking at night. I\u2019m not saying to go as silent as they do in the movie \u201cA Quiet Place,\u201d but stop saying all the things you say at night. Try to give instructions once and let your body language do the talking. If he\u2019s running around and won\u2019t get in the tub, so be it, and move on. Same for teeth. You are modeling going through the actions of the evening; he will eventually catch on. You can either land in your bed or his, then begin reading his book aloud \u2014 in a normal volume. Just keep reading, and see if he starts to circle around you. When he does (and this is important), smile at him and make room for him. Why? This is loving and calming. It says to his brain: \u201cI am welcome here.\u201d Keep reading and snuggling until you feel his body relax and, yes, maybe fall asleep.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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No matter how badly the night went, I ask you to smile at your son and celebrate his sleep the next morning. Clink your orange juices together and say: \u201cBuddy, we are doing it! I love reading to you and snuggling. I am so proud of us.\u201d This positivity is a balm for his panicked system. You are creating a loop of loving calm when you end the night and begin the morning with a calm voice and smiling eyes.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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You may be thinking you are trading one problem for another (him falling asleep in a bed with you), but the three hours of fighting and upset are far more disruptive and bad for your relationship than what I instructed you to do. He will sleep on his own. The process will smooth out; you just need to trust that your connection with him is more powerful than the behavioral strategies you keep employing.<\/p>\n

As always, please check with your pediatrician to be sure that there isn\u2019t something else afoot: a food allergy or something that\u2019s revving his little system. If you need support through this process, please reach out to a parent coach who specializes in connection. Also read\u00a0Laura Markham\u2019s books<\/a>\u00a0for positive discipline and Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson\u2019s \u201cThe Whole-Brain Child<\/a>\u201d for clarity on understanding a child\u2019s brain.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: Do you have any recommendations for managing horrible bedtimes with a 3-year-old? He will not stay in his room, let alone his bed, and it takes hours upon hours to get him to sleep, even when he’s exhausted. 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