{"id":5543,"date":"2021-05-12T18:04:57","date_gmt":"2021-05-12T22:04:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5543"},"modified":"2021-05-12T18:04:57","modified_gmt":"2021-05-12T22:04:57","slug":"were-struggling-to-get-our-kids-to-the-dinner-table-what-do-we-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/were-struggling-to-get-our-kids-to-the-dinner-table-what-do-we-do\/","title":{"rendered":"We\u2019re struggling to get our kids to the dinner table. What do we do?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>We struggle to get our 8- and 10-year-old boys to join us for dinner when it begins. Their jobs are to set the table and shower by 6 p.m., so everything is ready when the meal is. Our older one is generally fine, but the younger one will choose not to eat, because he’d rather play. The natural consequence of being hungry leads to hiding food he can eat later, which is not the desired effect. What should we do?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>I\u2019m reading and rereading your note and, as usual, there is a world of information I don\u2019t have access to. Because of this, I\u2019m going to try to give the basics of what makes for a more peaceful ending to the day for most families. It\u2019s your job to sprinkle in what your family needs.<\/p>\n

My first question is: Why do the boys have to be showered by 6 p.m. to sit down for dinner? I don\u2019t know your family\u2019s needs, but if you have two children of these ages who are in school all day, then asking them to wrap up the afternoon starting around 5\u00a0p.m. for showering and chores is a bit of a hard sell. They probably still have energy to play (as demonstrated by the 8-year-old), and the early shower feels as if it flies in the face of their autonomy. By 8 and 10, children can be in charge of their bodies a bit more, which translates into when and how often they shower.<\/p>\n

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I can hear the parents right now crowing about their dirty children \u2014 \u201cHe smells and doesn\u2019t even know it!\u201d and \u201cHer hair is so gross!\u201d \u2014 and I hear you. I\u2019m not suggesting that parents can\u2019t make suggestions or even try saying, \u201cWhen you\u2019re showered, we can head out for burgers,\u201d then waiting. Some help and reminders are a part of parenting; however, I don\u2019t understand the formality of showering for dinner. Maybe you\u00a0grew up in a family where showering for dinner was the expectation, or maybe you started bathing the kids before dinner and have stuck with that routine. In either case, you need to reassess whether your routine is working for your family. And because you wrote to me, the answer is no.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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If you look at the data of your situation, what we know is that we have a younger child who doesn\u2019t want to shower and would rather play. This leads to not eating dinner, sneaking food and creating tension. You can either spend time crafting elaborate behavioral plans to get the 8-year-old to shower, sit down, eat and not sneak food, or you can make reasonable changes to your schedule. Because controlling ourselves is the safest bet, other parenting choices are: Stop requesting that the kids shower first, and allow them to play until dinner; have a nice, big, healthy snack after school and push dinner back a bit; or allow some after-dinner food options, such as yogurt or fruit.<\/p>\n

As our children grow up and develop, we parents must remain flexible and strong. In my book, \u201cParenting Outside the Lines<\/a>,\u201d I\u00a0liken our parenting stance to marsh grass. It is deeply rooted and strong but utterly flexible up top. To avoid or sidestep unnecessary power struggles, you must zoom out and ask yourself: \u201cIs the boundary I am\u00a0upholding an important value? Or is it about me and fear?\u201d<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

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By creating boundaries that are about values and not \u201cbecause I said so,\u201d you stand a great chance of developing with your children; you are rooted and strong where you need to be, and open and flexible when the family calls for it. And that\u2019s the goal, right?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I would suggest calling a meeting and asking your children to help develop a new dinnertime routine. Write down the ideas, create something that works for your family and revisit the plan as needed. If you find a way between \u201cshowered and eating at 6 p.m. sharp\u201d and \u201csneaking food wherever, whenever,\u201d you stand a chance at enjoying the evening with your family. Respecting your children\u2019s needs, desires and opinions is the way forward here. Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0We struggle to get our 8- and 10-year-old boys to join us for dinner when it begins. Their jobs are to set the table and shower by 6 p.m., so everything is ready when the meal is. Our older one is generally fine, but the younger one will choose not to eat, because he’d rather play. 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