{"id":5545,"date":"2021-05-19T13:22:31","date_gmt":"2021-05-19T17:22:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5545"},"modified":"2021-05-19T13:23:48","modified_gmt":"2021-05-19T17:23:48","slug":"how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I stop my child from being so rude to me?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I have a 5-year-old (soon to be 6), and I’m struggling with how to deal with what we might call rude communication patterns. For instance, on a recent afternoon, she came out of her room, saw that I was in the kitchen and screamed at me: “Where’s my dinner?! I thought it would be ready by now!” She also did this a week or so ago. Although she had a snack after school (she started face-to-face school a few weeks ago), she was probably hungry, even though it was a little early for dinner. I think she has pent-up stress from her new school environment, but I also know it’s not okay for her to communicate like that with me. After she calmed down, we talked a bit about it, but I’m wondering whether you have general advice about how parents should talk and respond to young kids when they communicate in such a rude way. I know it’s her age and circumstances, but I also know it’s not okay. Thanks!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>I can collectively feel everyone\u2019s left eyebrow go up when they read: \u201cWhere\u2019s my dinner?!\u201d Most parents who have parented a 6-year-old have encountered some of this sass. And, like you, most parents have sat there with this dilemma: On one hand, we understand that the child is hangry (hungry and angry) and is also facing the transition of in-person school after months of being at home; on the other hand, her bossy commands are not a communication trend that you welcome (i.e., this level of disrespect really makes parents mad).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Your primary question is excellent: Is there \u201cgeneral advice about how parents should talk and respond to young kids when they communicate in such a rude way?\u201d Here\u2019s some general advice: We parents talk way too much, and that, sadly, is the crux of many of our problems. Although peaceful and loving communication is almost always a good idea, there is a parenting tenet that should be kept in mind: Whatever you pay attention to grows. This means that, even if you are using positive parenting skills, all that \u201cfeelings\u201d talk in the moment can grow the very problem you are trying to stop.<\/p>\n

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It goes like this: Gertrude stomps in and rudely requests dinner. You are annoyed\/frustrated\/angry\/livid and say: \u201cWhen you speak to me like that, I feel .\u2009.\u2009.\u201d Gertrude\u2019s brain lights up with the attention and, because she is hangry, she doesn\u2019t care about your feelings, which leads her to double-down on the rudeness. This isn\u2019t conscious; she is at the beginning of a meltdown. You feel more challenged, which leads to more talking, which leads to more rudeness, which leads to: \u201cGet out of the kitchen or you will never eat again, Gertrude!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Here are some other ideas that don\u2019t require talking: Zoom out to see how often this is happening and when. If it\u2019s always associated with hunger, she may need more or different types of food (more protein, good carbs) right after school. It\u2019s okay if this ruins a bit of dinner; regulating her blood sugar is more important.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Speaking of school, let\u2019s also remember that transitioning to school after the pandemic shutdown can be stressful. Your daughter is doing her best to acclimate to a new environment, so when she comes home, her cup is empty, and her dysregulation comes out as frustration.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Rather than taking these outbursts personally, try to expect them and love her through them. Wordlessly give her a banana and a hug. See what happens if you don\u2019t go back and forth with her. And although you mention speaking to her after the incident, she is too young to take those lessons and reliably apply them to her day-to-day life.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Essentially, she doesn\u2019t want to scream at you, and I\u2019m sure she feels badly about it when it\u2019s over. But she can\u2019t hold on to her intentions when she\u2019s exhausted and hungry, so\u00a0poof<\/i>\u00a0\u2014 out comes the sass.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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While we\u2019re on the topic of using fewer words, I\u2019m wondering whether \u201cthe look\u201d gets you anywhere. In parenting cultures, parents and caregivers use their eyes, eyebrows and facial expressions to communicate a clear message: \u201cWatch it!\u201d This look is meant to warn children that they have crossed a line, and they should either stop what they\u2019re doing or proceed with caution. When done correctly and not overused, this look can be a powerful yellow light for many children. Children with executive functioning challenges may barge right through the look (their brains are moving too fast), and many children see that look as an invitation to fight, so just see what happens when you stay silent and use your face as a warning.<\/p>\n

Either way, I know that a demanding almost-6-year-old can spark frustration, but try to find the middle between total compassion (and doing nothing)\u00a0and total discipline. And try to see what happens as you speak to her less and connect\u00a0with her more through\u00a0this trying transition. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I have a 5-year-old (soon to be 6), and I’m struggling with how to deal with what we might call rude communication patterns. For instance, on a recent afternoon, she came out of her room, saw that I was in the kitchen and screamed at me: “Where’s my dinner?! I thought it would be ready by now!” She also did […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4126,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1143,259,1608,1610,1441,1609],"class_list":["post-5545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-5-year-old","tag-back-to-school","tag-hungry","tag-regulation","tag-rude","tag-sass"],"yoast_head":"\nHow do I stop my child from being so rude to me? -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u00a0I have a 5-year-old (soon to be 6), and I'm struggling with how to deal with what we might call rude communication patterns.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How do I stop my child from being so rude to me? -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u00a0I have a 5-year-old (soon to be 6), and I'm struggling with how to deal with what we might call rude communication patterns.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-05-19T17:22:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-05-19T17:23:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/shutterstock_166102697.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"4568\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"4167\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/\",\"name\":\"How do I stop my child from being so rude to me? -\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2021-05-19T17:22:31+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-05-19T17:23:48+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"\u00a0I have a 5-year-old (soon to be 6), and I'm struggling with how to deal with what we might call rude communication patterns.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-i-stop-my-child-from-being-so-rude-to-me\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How do I stop my child from being so rude to me?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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