{"id":5587,"date":"2021-07-28T11:38:29","date_gmt":"2021-07-28T15:38:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5587"},"modified":"2021-07-28T11:38:29","modified_gmt":"2021-07-28T15:38:29","slug":"how-can-i-get-my-8-year-old-to-keep-herself-groomed-and-clean","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/how-can-i-get-my-8-year-old-to-keep-herself-groomed-and-clean\/","title":{"rendered":"How can I get my 8-year-old to keep herself groomed and clean?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My 8-year-old daughter resists and ignores most reminders and tips on grooming and self-care. She\u00a0recently returned from sleepaway camp with two weeks of clean socks and underwear completely untouched. (“I couldn’t find them,” she protested, despite me having her help with packing and showing her where they were.) She will only brush her teeth thoroughly if I’m next to her, pointing out places she missed and reminding her for two minutes to focus on what the dentist said she needs to attend to. We’ve tried toothbrushing podcasts, smartwatch reminders and more. How\u00a0can I support her independence and trust when this is a constant fight? Is this normal?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0<\/b>It might not make you feel better to hear this, but grooming and self-care challenges are quite common and have not been made better by the pandemic. Not being around other children and not leaving the house, as well as moving directly from the bed to the computer, have resulted in plenty of kids losing their cleanliness routines. Also, many parents read this and nodded their heads: \u201cOh, this was my child. He never changed his clothes. It was so gross!\u201d These children grow up and manage to bathe and groom themselves properly.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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First, we\u2019re going to let the camp underwear debacle go. It\u2019s in the past, we cannot change it, and the only reason to revisit it would be to shame your daughter. Good? Good. Moving on, you have clearly tried many techniques, and the situation isn\u2019t all that bad. She brushes her teeth, albeit with you, but that\u2019s more than some kids are doing.<\/p>\n

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Let\u2019s look at your ultimate question: How can you support her independence and trust (from her to you) when this is a constant fight? You can\u2019t. When there\u2019s a constant fight about anything, but especially when it involves one\u2019s personal space and body, it\u2019s hard to have a healthy and positive connection. Chronic fighting, power struggles and coercion lead to a breakdown in trust, and, although the issue may have started as toothbrushing, it quickly becomes about autonomy and fights for power. I\u2019m not trying to scare you; parents and children have frequent power struggles. This is a part of family life. What I\u2019m talking about are the chronic issues that chip away at your connection.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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You may be wondering whether you should allow your daughter\u2019s teeth to rot and her clothes to remain filthy. No, we don\u2019t want to go from one extreme to another. But take another route with her. Have a meeting and say, \u201cAlice, I\u2019ve noticed that we fight about your teeth and grooming, and I\u2019m curious: What\u2019s a better way to do this?\u201d If you stay open and listen, you can have a true conversation with your daughter. She may say, \u201cI just want you to leave me alone,\u201d and from there, you can both find a compromise.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Trust me when I say: You will not be happy with the plan. A parent who has used toothbrushing podcasts is going to want more than two brushing days a week, which is what your daughter might choose to do, but you have to be willing to trust that she will eventually groom herself on her own. As development, hormones and time do their work, your daughter will decide, according to her own needs, when she will have to take her grooming more seriously. Otherwise, it\u2019s a fool\u2019s errand to think we can make someone else care about something the same way we do, and we\u2019ll bring more struggles than they\u2019re worth.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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For now, work on co-creating a solution, and try to have more fun with it all. If she brushes her teeth with you and doesn\u2019t seem to mind, which is phenomenal, do that every night and have a good time. Try to lay off the \u201cyou missed that tooth\u201d comments, and just be together. Get silly toothbrushes, play music, wash your faces, floss (we had Flossy Friday in my house, and it was the best we could do) and enjoy being with your daughter. Less focus on the doing, more focus on the being.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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And please find doctors and dentists who, rather than pressure and shame, work with both of you to make the tone more flexible, easy and non-alarmist.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Although I don\u2019t hear a lot of big, loud fights in the house, I would suggest picking up Ross Greene\u2019s book \u201cThe Explosive Child<\/a>.\u201d The beauty of Greene\u2019s model is that he focuses on the problem, not the behavior, and the parent and child learn to become a team. I think this book will be an important and eye-opening way to approach helping you foster independence while making sure teeth and clothing are clean-ish. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0My 8-year-old daughter resists and ignores most reminders and tips on grooming and self-care. She\u00a0recently returned from sleepaway camp with two weeks of clean socks and underwear completely untouched. (“I couldn’t find them,” she protested, despite me having her help with packing and showing her where they were.) She will only brush her teeth thoroughly if I’m next to her, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5588,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,35,301],"tags":[322,551,619,1628,1627,449,854,592,997,200,571],"class_list":["post-5587","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-routines","category-washington-post","tag-behavior","tag-brushing-teeth","tag-child","tag-how-to-get-child-to-stay-groomed-and-clean","tag-hygiene","tag-independence","tag-meghan-leahy-washington-post","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-advice-washington-post","tag-power-struggle","tag-self-care"],"yoast_head":"\nHow can I get my 8 year old to keep herself groomed and clean?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My 8 year old daughter ignores most reminders and tips for grooming and self-care. 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