{"id":5624,"date":"2021-08-18T13:10:07","date_gmt":"2021-08-18T17:10:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5624"},"modified":"2021-08-18T13:10:07","modified_gmt":"2021-08-18T17:10:07","slug":"when-a-child-quits-if-hes-not-the-best","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/when-a-child-quits-if-hes-not-the-best\/","title":{"rendered":"When a child quits if he\u2019s not the best"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I have an ongoing challenge with my almost-9-year-old son. Each time he starts a new activity (soccer, swimming, skating, art), he imagines himself to be the best there is. He looks up the best people in that activity and thinks he can be better than them. Inevitably, because not everyone can be Usain Bolt or Lionel Messi, he falls short in his own eyes and doesn’t want to do that activity anymore, or he blames everyone else (his coach is terrible, his teammates are no good, etc.). I would like for him to try different activities and have fun, but he only seems to enjoy something if he can win. It’s incredibly draining to watch him cycle through these emotions. It’s not even that he’s in many different activities; there’s usually just one at any given time, once or twice a week, with breaks. But this has been his pattern for a few years now. I’m not sure how to teach him resilience and to enjoy the learning, rather than trying to become the next Roger Federer.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Thank you for writing in. You are not alone in having a child who quits; I receive many letters about this. First, let\u2019s take a peek at what typical 9-year-olds look like, developmentally speaking. Nine-year-olds are truly coming into themselves, and comparing one 9-year-old to another can be a fool\u2019s errand. One child may be spirited and independent, while another may be more withdrawn and private. Typical 9-year-olds can easily flare, then start to move on more easily and want to practice a task obsessively until they feel it\u2019s \u201cperfect.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is also typical for 9-year-olds to look up to the best in their field and want to be just like them. (I frequently imagined myself to be Cyndi Lauper when I sang \u201cTime After Time\u201d in the mirror, and you can see how that turned out.) Peers can take on more importance, and it is easy for boys to compare themselves to their friends.<\/p>\n

In essence, 9-year-olds are becoming ever-complicated humans, and parents are moving increasingly out of the driver\u2019s seat and into the co-pilot\u2019s chair.<\/p>\n

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Something I don\u2019t know about your son \u2014 and this is critically important \u2014 is your interaction with him during these quitting scenarios.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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To be clear: I am not blaming you for your child\u2019s perfectionism, but if I were coaching you, I would be asking many questions about what you were doing and saying, as well as how you were behaving and feeling, during these episodes.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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For instance, let\u2019s say your son isn\u2019t running like Usain Bolt, blames his track coach and quits. I would like to know whether you are using logical thought (\u201cIt isn\u2019t reasonable for you to think you can run like Usain Bolt, Devon; you are 9, smaller and cannot do that\u201d), asking chronic questions (\u201cWhy would you think you could run like one of the fastest people in the world?\u201d), cajoling him (\u201cCome on, get up, try again. Don\u2019t be a quitter, buddy!\u201d), threatening him (\u201cIf you don\u2019t stop whining and start running, I am going to take away your iPad\u201d), guilting him (\u201cMom paid $400 for you to run on this team, and you\u2019re letting me and your team down if you keep quitting\u201d) or freezing him out, which sounds like nothing and is an icy silence that creates more anxiety and worry for the child.<\/p>\n

Again, I am not blaming you for having these reactions; it is incredibly frustrating to parent a perfectionist\/quitter. But the first aspect we need to assess is whether you are watering the weeds, which means you\u2019re only paying attention to the quitting, whining, blaming and other bad behaviors. If you aren\u2019t consciously growing more of what you want to see in your son, then it will be hard for him to find a new path forward; he will be stuck in a thought and behavior loop. (Idolize, try, fail, quit, repeat.) Interrupting this pattern requires creating situations where there are small wins, and treating the failures and quitting with more equanimity. I know: This is easier said than done.<\/p>\n

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It could also be that you are parenting an intense, highly sensitive or anxious child (or all three). You could be parenting your bottom off and, without knowing it, making his anxiety worse.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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If you pick up Elaine N. Aron\u2019s book \u201cThe Highly Sensitive Child<\/a>\u201d or peruse the\u00a0Hey Sigmund<\/a>\u00a0website, which focuses on anxiety, depression and more, and feel as if you\u2019re reading about your child, then I would strongly suggest reaching out to an expert for more support. Work with a therapist or counselor who will see you both, rather than just your child. It isn\u2019t enough for your son to be \u201chelped\u201d in therapy if you are not also going to be taught skills to help grow his resilience and bravery at home.<\/p>\n

Pick up books, read websites and talk to professionals in the field to get the support you need to parent him into his tween and teen years with compassion and courage. Good luck!<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n

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  Q:\u00a0I have an ongoing challenge with my almost-9-year-old son. Each time he starts a new activity (soccer, swimming, skating, art), he imagines himself to be the best there is. He looks up the best people in that activity and thinks he can be better than them. Inevitably, because not everyone can be Usain Bolt or Lionel Messi, he falls […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5636,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[281,1241,619,1629,513,584,943,596,209,1466,1406,555,472,553,664,10],"class_list":["post-5624","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-activities","tag-advice-for-parents","tag-child","tag-comparing","tag-competitive","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-parent-coach","tag-parenting-parenting-advice-washington-post-parenting-questions-about-parenting-meghan-leahy-parent-coach-chat-about-parenting","tag-perfectionism","tag-perfectionist","tag-quitter","tag-quitting","tag-resilience","tag-sports","tag-sports-and-kids","tag-washington-post"],"yoast_head":"\nWhen a child quits if he\u2019s not the best<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Each time my 9-year-old starts an activity he imagines himself to be the best. 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