{"id":5695,"date":"2021-09-08T09:54:46","date_gmt":"2021-09-08T13:54:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5695"},"modified":"2021-09-08T09:54:46","modified_gmt":"2021-09-08T13:54:46","slug":"our-5-year-old-wont-listen-and-were-stuck","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/childhood-behavior\/our-5-year-old-wont-listen-and-were-stuck\/","title":{"rendered":"Our 5-year-old won\u2019t listen, and we\u2019re stuck"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>How can we get our 5-year-old to stop ignoring us when we ask her to do things? This is often what leads to an argument. This starts in the morning with getting dressed and will happen throughout the day when she’s asked to do something she doesn’t want to do, such as brush her teeth, comb her hair, clean up or wash her hands. I feel as if we’re ordering her around, and I would probably ignore me, too. We don’t know what to\u00a0do to keep things moving forward, especially on school mornings. We feel defeated the moment she starts resisting.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I love 5-year-olds. They aren\u2019t messing around; they\u2019re in charge of their bodies and (some) of their thoughts, and they\u2019ll let you know the score. They worked hard as 4-year-olds to secure their independence, and now they\u2019re going to revel in it \u2014 if you let them.<\/p>\n

Three- and 4-year-olds can be tyrannical, but 5-year-olds often feel as if they\u2019re settling into themselves. You will see frequent empathy, consideration and patience at this age (and some tantrums from the old days, too), and their ability to get along with others is growing. Five is a great age.<\/p>\n

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As a parent coach, I frequently see parents using the same techniques and routines with their children that worked a year or six months ago, but they haven\u2019t realized their children have matured. What once was comforting and needed is now stifling and prescriptive, and this quick shift can lead to power struggles and defiance. And before you think I\u2019m blaming you for this dynamic, think again. I have yet to meet a parent who hasn\u2019t turned around and realized their child has matured and needs something different.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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You are moving into a different developmental stage with your daughter, so where should you begin? Your letter contains the best clue: \u201cI feel as if we\u2019re ordering her around, and I would probably ignore me, too.\u201d Check and check. Rather than trying yet another strategy to get your daughter to do your bidding, let\u2019s look at what isn\u2019t working (and what\u2019s making your life more miserable). As I have already mentioned, your daughter is almost in full possession of her body, so when you boss her around, that flies in the face of what she is developmentally trying to accomplish in her life: some independence.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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When she feels bossed around, she is going to do what a 5-year-old should do: the opposite. First, she will argue with you, letting you know she is her own person and she doesn\u2019t appreciate the commands and demands. Next, she will completely ignore you. It is important to remember that she isn\u2019t trying to manipulate you.<\/p>\n

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People don\u2019t like to be bossed around, and she is letting you know, in her 5-year-old way, that she doesn\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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It can be challenging to let go of the commanding and demanding, so let\u2019s pivot to what motivates kids this age: They want their voices to be heard and respected, and they want choices and encouragement, even when failure is imminent.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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The most efficient tool for this is a family meeting. For a couple of meetings, focus on sharing your day and chatting, then end with a treat. Seriously: Keep it simple and sweet. When it seems as if the meetings are running well, you can mention something such as: \u201cI\u2019ve noticed the morning routine is going a little slowly, and I bet we can make a better schedule together. What are some things we could do in the morning that would make it more fun?\u201d<\/p>\n

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When your daughter starts giving you ideas, write them down, even if they\u2019re ridiculous or impossible. Listening to her, giving her strong eye contact and smiling are powerful ways to connect with your daughter, and doing so will serve as a great jumping-off point for forming a new schedule.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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After creating ideas, take pictures of your daughter getting ready for school, glue them to a poster board and hang it up at her eye level. (Peek\u00a0into any successful preschool teacher\u2019s room, and you will see similar systems.) Make a habit of referring to the schedule as \u201cSarah\u2019s schedule\u201d to give her ownership, and give it time to work. There will be bad days, but keep your eyes on the horizon. Remember: The chart is not what will make your\u00a0mornings more successful; it\u2019s the combination of your willingness to stop bossing her around and the cultivation of a more fun, trusting and positive relationship with your daughter. Commands and demands equal power struggles. How can you\u00a0connect with her so that she\u00a0will want to be good for you?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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With time, patience and a good sense of humor, you will get there. Good luck!<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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