{"id":5722,"date":"2021-09-29T11:59:52","date_gmt":"2021-09-29T15:59:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5722"},"modified":"2021-09-29T11:59:52","modified_gmt":"2021-09-29T15:59:52","slug":"preteen-with-anxiety-and-adhd-takes-frustrations-out-on-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/childhood-behavior\/preteen-with-anxiety-and-adhd-takes-frustrations-out-on-family\/","title":{"rendered":"Preteen with anxiety and ADHD takes frustrations out on family"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Do you have any recommendations for discipline strategies for a preteen with anxiety and ADHD? Home seems to be the dumping ground for all of our preteen’s school angst. I try to balance understanding and a little bit of flexibility against boundaries that you can’t treat your family badly. I’m wondering whether there are specific books that would give me a road map.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Thank you for writing in. I have yet to meet a parent who enjoys feeling like a \u201cdumping ground\u201d for their preteen. It can become exhausting, day after day, to try to stay kind and compassionate, only to be snarled and snapped at. And although discipline (a euphemism in our culture for consequences) is the natural go-to, we need to take another look at our parenting goals. I\u2019m going to provide you with some books, but let\u2019s also look at other possibilities to help with this tough situation.<\/p>\n

The goal of parenting this preteen is to help them understand themselves better, so co-create solutions that grow confidence and resilience. You can already see what you should not focus on: getting your child to start or stop certain behaviors. Of course, you want your preteen to stop dumping everything on you. I want that, too. But if we step over why your child is doing this, we will miss the opportunity to help your preteen mature.<\/p>\n

It is important to remind yourself every day that, as personal as this behavior feels, this is your preteen doing their very best. It is probably the case that, while at school, your child is managing both ADHD and anxiety like a pro. They are desperately trying to focus and keep their nervous system in check. Unfortunately, these two issues are the worst buddies: The more anxious you get, the harder it is to pay attention. The more you try to pay attention (and can\u2019t), the more anxious you feel. How tiring! As you work on developing a better system for home, please be sure your preteen is well-supported in school. Ensure that an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) or 504 plan is up and running, and keep in touch with your child\u2019s teachers, so you can spot the overwhelm before your preteen spirals at school or home.<\/p>\n

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Remember, as psychotherapist\u00a0Merriam Sarcia Saunders\u00a0<\/a>says: ADHD is not a behavior disorder; it is a neurological disorder. It is not a willpower issue.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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This means your child is struggling with their brain; the behavior is a symptom of that struggle, not the primary struggle.<\/p>\n

Because we know your preteen is coming home filled with frustration, what are we supposed to do? I turned to John Duffy, my friend and the author of \u201cParenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety<\/a>,\u201d for his thoughts. \u201cKids respond best when they know the rules ahead of time,\u201d he says. \u201cWhen they suffer anxiety and ADHD, poor behavior tends to result from a lack of clarity, structure and rules.\u201d<\/p>\n

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With that in mind, you need to have regular meetings with your preteen to co-create and reassess the structure. Duffy also recommends that \u201cthese families come up with a few nonnegotiable household rules. It\u2019s important to be clear about the consequences for violating those rules as well,\u201d he says. \u201cYou also, however, want to reward positive behavior. When your kids are managing themselves despite their anxiety and ADHD, a brief nod to that positive behavior carries an awful lot of weight with these kids. Remember: The goals here are symptom management, competence and resilience.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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There is also some excellent advice in \u201cThe Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More<\/a>\u201d by Elaine Taylor-Klaus.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Again: Rewards carry more weight than punishments, structure and consequences need to be clear, and you need to believe that your child is doing the best they can. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0Do you have any recommendations for discipline strategies for a preteen with anxiety and ADHD? Home seems to be the dumping ground for all of our preteen’s school angst. I try to balance understanding and a little bit of flexibility against boundaries that you can’t treat your family badly. I’m wondering whether there are specific books that would give […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5728,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[544,263,322,163,270,628,573,584,762,585,13,592,591,161,382,10,593],"class_list":["post-5722","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-adhd","tag-anxiety","tag-behavior","tag-boundaries","tag-children","tag-family","tag-family-dynamics","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-teens","tag-tweens","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nPreteen with anxiety and ADHD takes frustrations out on family<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you have recommendations for discipline strategies for a preteen with anxiety and ADHD? 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