{"id":5753,"date":"2021-10-20T10:33:13","date_gmt":"2021-10-20T14:33:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5753"},"modified":"2021-10-20T10:33:13","modified_gmt":"2021-10-20T14:33:13","slug":"dad-needs-to-focus-on-consent-and-boundaries-with-his-daughter-not-his-ego","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/dad-needs-to-focus-on-consent-and-boundaries-with-his-daughter-not-his-ego\/","title":{"rendered":"Dad needs to focus on consent and boundaries with his daughter, not his ego"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My second-grader recently told me that she and her teacher have been having weekly check-ins about my partner\/her dad. One morning, she went to school really upset at him, so they talked about it. I’m assuming she told the teacher that he tickles her and\/or touches her and that he doesn’t stop when she says so. Dad and I have had conversations before about consent, and he would never touch her inappropriately, but he sometimes acts like a kid himself and annoys her too much by tickling her underarms or neck, jumping on the bed with her and her little sister, tackling her, etc. I mentioned these conversations to him, and now he’s furious that he is being accused of something he never did. I reached out to the teacher, and we have a meeting scheduled to chat with her and the school counselor, but I still feel as if I’m stuck in the middle. He claims she is lying to the teacher. I asked him to reframe and see things from her perspective: She asks him to stop annoying her, and he takes too long to do so. And now I’m defending him and making sure he is supported and that they know there is never any inappropriate touching going on. How do I do this? I know this is\u00a0a sensitive issue, but I 100\u00a0percent know there is never anything inappropriate going on. We live in a small apartment and are together all the time. I don’t agree with all of his parenting ways, but who does?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I am really glad you wrote in, thank you. And I would be remiss as a certified school counselor and parent coach if I assumed there couldn\u2019t be some kind of abuse occurring; sexual and physical abuse can happen right under your nose. Anyone who is reading this needs to know the\u00a0facts<\/a>\u00a0: Children are abused often, and mostly by people they know. This is especially confusing to young children who often like (or love) and respect the person who is hurting them, and it is important to know the signs of childhood sexual abuse. Some signs you might look for are easily available at\u00a0rainn.org<\/a>\u00a0.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say your partner is not sexually abusing your daughter. We still have a huge problem on our hands: Your daughter doesn\u2019t feel safe with him, or she felt so unsafe that one morning, it was apparent to her teacher.<\/p>\n

Boundaries are at the core of this problem: how they are understood, maintained and respected in your family. To be clear, every parent grew up with their own culture of boundaries, and we need to get to the bottom of what your partner feels is appropriate. I would be interested in whether he felt pushed around, bullied or generally unsafe around adults in his house (and maybe even siblings). Without realizing it, many people who don\u2019t feel safe growing up can unconsciously repeat the patterns that hurt them, and they aren\u2019t even aware they\u2019re doing it.<\/p>\n

What makes this more confusing is that tickling, jumping around and roughhousing can be wonderful ways to form parent-child connections. For many children, the sensory nature of these antics is exhilarating and fun, and it helps to excise their energy and frustration. This is truly a lesson in, \u201cWhat is one child\u2019s medicine is another child\u2019s poison,\u201d and it is clear that your daughter does not enjoy this kind of play. To this end, the problem isn\u2019t really the roughhousing or your partner\u2019s childlike behavior; instead, it\u2019s his inability to see that your daughter doesn\u2019t like it and stop. Immediately.
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Assuming that your partner is not sexually abusing your daughter, I have the feeling that he is mortified and terribly embarrassed by finding out about these meetings between your daughter and her teacher, and this is understandable. For many people, this level of shame and hurt comes out sideways, and it often looks like anger. In his mind, he has been \u201cplaying\u201d with his kids, and now he is afraid an entire school community will look at him as if he\u2019s a pedophile. He is hurt and embarrassed, and he needs time to calm down.<\/p>\n

His next step, after he understands that this is really about what his daughter needs, is to listen to what she needs from him. No matter what he thinks is happening or how he feels about it, he needs to accept that his daughter was miserable enough to confess to her teacher about the roughhousing. Your partner needs to fully own that he made her feel uncomfortable at best and unsafe at worst, and that he needs to earn her trust back, bit by bit.<\/p>\n

Depending on his maturity and childhood, this could feel vulnerable and scary to him, and he may need a therapist to help him work it out. I say this because, although being \u201cfurious\u201d is a somewhat understandable response to being embarrassed, it is not an acceptable state for him to stay in, especially when it comes to your daughter. Under no circumstances can your daughter associate telling the truth to a teacher with an angry and disappointed father. These associations could do untold damage to her and your family.<\/p>\n

Whatever happens, take care of your daughter\u2019s needs, starting with her emotional and physical safety; you must do whatever is required to ensure that she feels safe. Highlight that you prize her honesty, that you think she is brave for talking to her teacher and that you are so glad you know how she feels. It sounds, from this letter, that you need to parent your partner and your daughter, and that rubs me the wrong way. Be wary of how much energy is required to calm him down, protect his feelings and shield your daughter from him. Your partner is allowed to feel all of his feelings, but as an adult, it is\u00a0his responsibility to work through them in a peaceful and thoughtful way.<\/p>\n

Check for sexual abuse, be clear in your support for your daughter, and if your partner stays furious? That is not okay. Make your next plans accordingly. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n

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  Q:\u00a0My second-grader recently told me that she and her teacher have been having weekly check-ins about my partner\/her dad. One morning, she went to school really upset at him, so they talked about it. I’m assuming she told the teacher that he tickles her and\/or touches her and that he doesn’t stop when she says so. 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