{"id":5768,"date":"2021-10-27T10:20:31","date_gmt":"2021-10-27T14:20:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5768"},"modified":"2021-10-27T10:20:31","modified_gmt":"2021-10-27T14:20:31","slug":"how-to-connect-with-a-teen-son-as-he-continues-to-change","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/how-to-connect-with-a-teen-son-as-he-continues-to-change\/","title":{"rendered":"How to connect with a teen son as he continues to change"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>What tips do you have for connecting with a 14-year-old? My teen is splitting away from me a bit, as he should be, but I feel pretty separated from him, and you talk a lot about connection. Do you have any advice for that as he begins his teen years? Thank you.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>You are right: I talk about connection a lot. It\u2019s the key to unlocking a better relationship with everyone in our lives, especially our children. I love that you want to connect with your 14-year-old, and doing so varies from how we connect with our younger children. It requires a slightly different skill set from us parents, but it\u2019s in our wheelhouse.<\/p>\n

To determine what to do, we first need to clarify your why. Do we need a reason to connect with our children? No. This is just what people do! But it\u2019s worthwhile to look at why you are so keen to connect, because that can guide your actions.<\/p>\n

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This doesn\u2019t require deep psychoanalysis; to shed light on your intentions, try having a \u201cwalk and talk\u201d with yourself. Are you afraid of losing him because you checked out of your family around the same age? Do you want to connect because you\u2019re worried about his friend group? Do you want to connect to be able to communicate about his schoolwork or chores? Your reasons don\u2019t have to be crystal clear, but I have found that, when parents try to connect with their teens out of neediness or fear, they create unintended struggles, pain and miscommunication. Before you do anything, please clarify your \u201cwhy.\u201d<\/p>\n

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As for tips for connecting, let me begin with a short list of don\u2019ts:<\/p>\n

\u25cfDon\u2019t be a try-hard. Another way of putting this is don\u2019t be needy. Connection is a long game, so try to let it feel as easy as it can.<\/p>\n

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\u25cfDon\u2019t make connecting about your agenda. You may have dreams about epic hikes, but your teen may just want to go to a sneaker store. Don\u2019t drag him on hikes \u2014 at least at first.<\/p>\n

\u25cfDon\u2019t ask for too much. This means don\u2019t make too many demands regarding his time and attention.<\/p>\n

\u25cfDon\u2019t overcomplicate things. The easiest answer is sometimes the right one.<\/p>\n

\u25cfDon\u2019t take his responses too personally. Connection is a dance; some days, he\u2019ll be waltzing and you\u2019ll be doing the cha-cha, and you\u2019ll feel completely out of sync. That\u2019s okay, and remember that it probably has nothing to do with you.<\/p>\n

\u25cfDon\u2019t critique or criticize when you\u2019re connecting. If you have chore or homework ideas, keep them for another time. Just connect.<\/p>\n

\u25cfDon\u2019t expect cheerleader kicks or outright enthusiasm from your teen. Sometimes, you must proceed \u201cas if,\u201d meaning as if it will all work out. Be confident.<\/p>\n

So, what\u00a0can<\/i>\u00a0you do?<\/p>\n

First, you know your son best, so make a quick list of places to go, foods to eat, games to play, stores to browse, friends to bring along and movies to watch. The list doesn\u2019t have to be perfect; it\u2019s just a brain dump to generate ideas.<\/p>\n

Next, make a doable plan for your family and yourself. You don\u2019t need to connect constantly with your son to have an effect, but you\u2019ll probably want to create a plan to keep yourself on track. Do you want to have dinner once a month? Weekly card games? You don\u2019t need to be rigid about it; just keep everything scheduled enough to really do something.<\/p>\n

Finally, don\u2019t forget that truly listening, which means keeping your mouth shut and your ears open, making eye contact, smiling and refraining from simple questions that result in simple answers \u2014 \u201cHow was school?\u201d \u201cFine.\u201d \u2014 are subtle yet important ways to connect with your son. Simply being and staying present when he\u2019s around will send a strong message that you love and support him.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0What tips do you have for connecting with a 14-year-old? My teen is splitting away from me a bit, as he should be, but I feel pretty separated from him, and you talk a lot about connection. Do you have any advice for that as he begins his teen years? Thank you. A:\u00a0You are right: I talk about connection […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5727,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[1070,443,584,762,585,13,592,591,161,10,593],"class_list":["post-5768","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-connecting-with-teens","tag-connection","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-teens","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to connect with a teen son as he continues to change<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My teen is splitting away from me a bit, as he should be, but I feel pretty separated from him. 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