{"id":5790,"date":"2021-11-10T10:25:00","date_gmt":"2021-11-10T15:25:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5790"},"modified":"2021-11-10T10:25:00","modified_gmt":"2021-11-10T15:25:00","slug":"our-nephew-is-causing-problems-with-our-child-how-do-we-set-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/our-nephew-is-causing-problems-with-our-child-how-do-we-set-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Our nephew is causing problems with our child. How do we set boundaries?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I have a question about my child and my nephew, both 8. My nephew has always been a challenging child, and I feel for my brother and his wife. However, we have slowly almost eliminated having them to our house because of his behavior.<\/em><\/p>\n

He is destructive, cruel to our cats and constantly has tantrums or causes huge eruptions with the other children. If I interrupt his behavior, he accuses me of lying, and my brother takes the position that he can’t be sure what happened, because he didn’t see it.<\/em><\/p>\n

On the rare occasion when our nephew is corrected by his parents, he loses his computer privileges, which is the only punishment that matters to him, and he storms around threatening everyone (“I’m gonna get you!”). My child says that, if they object to his behavior, their uncle and aunt will coddle my nephew and punish them. An example: My nephew got caught stealing candy and, when told, my sister-in-law gave my nephew more candy and told my child that they didn’t get any for telling on him.<\/em><\/p>\n

The problem is my brother thinks the kids should have frequent play dates, because my nephew doesn’t have other friends. I appreciate that this poor kid is struggling, but I don’t think that requires my child to be the sacrificial lamb. How should I approach this? For the record, my child is almost always game to see their cousin, but then my child is also almost always the one who ends up crying at the end of the play date.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I don\u2019t know whether it was by chance or kismet, but I happened to be reading Nedra Glover Tawwab\u2019s book \u201cSet Boundaries, Find Peace<\/a>\u201d when I saw your note. I have been thinking about boundaries a lot lately: with ourselves, within our relationships and especially in parenting. And when you wrote this long note about the myriad troubles with your nephew, your brother and your brother\u2019s wife, I immediately thought of boundaries.<\/p>\n

To begin, meltdowns, destructive behavior, threats and lying are signs of a deeply discouraged child. I feel for your nephew; whatever is happening (or not) in his home, he has some serious unmet needs. When it comes to boundaries, you can handle yourself as an adult, but the cats and children are another story.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

As Tawwab writes, one of the primary boundaries that must be kept is a physical one, and in this case, you cannot guarantee your cats\u2019 safety, let alone your child\u2019s. This is a boundary that cannot be crossed. The pain of setting a boundary like this, with your brother and his wife, will be real. \u201cI am not comfortable with how my nephew hurts the cats or is explosive with the children. We cannot continue having play dates at my house.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tawwab also writes about another important boundary: the emotional boundary. This boundary is crossed when your brother coddles his child while punishing yours. Your brother is overstepping his bounds and dismissing the needs of other children. And worse? He emotionally punished them for their honesty about candy being stolen. \u201cI am not okay with you punishing my child, and on top of that, ignoring your own child\u2019s mistakes and threats.\u201d<\/p>\n

To add, your nephew is crossing another boundary: the material boundary (when he stole candy). All children are learning, and they will make mistakes. They lose patience, throw fits, tell small lies, steal small items and \u201ctell on\u201d kids, but what you\u2019re describing is a deeper problem. Your brother and his wife are violating your boundaries up and down, and it is not okay.<\/p>\n

Because this is family and not a neighbor or a school friend, this is a little more complicated. Your nephew isn\u2019t going away, so you are going to have to create and hold on to your boundaries. It may sound simple, but it can be quite scary to decide to uphold boundaries when you have been in a relationship where you have been pushed around, maybe for years. You are changing a dynamic that has been in play for a long time, and yes, your brother and sister-in-law may not appreciate your setting of boundaries. We can guess that there will be pushback, deep offense taken and maybe even threats to cut ties.<\/p>\n

But setting boundaries isn\u2019t meant to punish others; it\u2019s meant to keep you feeling safe in your own body and mind, so as long as you uphold your integrity, compassion and strength, the discomfort will be theirs, not inflicted upon them by you.<\/p>\n

And although this will be hard, you can still make attempts to see them in a more neutral setting. Going to parks, hiking and participating in more controlled activities may be the way to break up this dynamic between the children.<\/p>\n

You must also be prepared to uphold your boundaries elsewhere, too. Yes, you are doing this for yourself, but you are also doing this for your child, and you are demonstrating what healthy boundaries look like. You are acting in your child\u2019s best interests, even when it comes to family. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0I have a question about my child and my nephew, both 8. My nephew has always been a challenging child, and I feel for my brother and his wife. However, we have slowly almost eliminated having them to our house because of his behavior. He is destructive, cruel to our cats and constantly has tantrums or causes huge eruptions […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5793,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[322,163,270,584,762,277,585,13,8,592,1129,10,593],"class_list":["post-5790","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-behavior","tag-boundaries","tag-children","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-misbehavior","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-setting-boundaries-with-kids","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nOur nephew is causing problems with our kid. 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