{"id":5795,"date":"2021-11-17T11:06:19","date_gmt":"2021-11-17T16:06:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5795"},"modified":"2021-11-17T11:06:19","modified_gmt":"2021-11-17T16:06:19","slug":"my-son-refuses-to-poop-in-the-potty-how-can-i-fix-this","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-son-refuses-to-poop-in-the-potty-how-can-i-fix-this\/","title":{"rendered":"My son refuses to poop in the potty. How can I fix this?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Potty training advice needed: Our son just turned 3. He’s great with peeing, except he still wears diapers for sleeping. We are struggling with pooping. He knows he’s supposed to go in the potty. But he just .\u2009.\u2009. won’t. He doesn’t like going in his underpants, either. He waits until he’s put into a diaper for naptime or bedtime, then he goes in his diaper. Even when I know he needs to poop and I have him sit on the potty, he won’t poop. He can sit on the potty for 30\u00a0minutes before bedtime, but then I’ll give up and put the diaper on, and he’ll poop within two minutes. We try all the bribes, including ice cream, if he poops in the potty. Is it time to ditch the underpants, even if that means he poops in his bed? Do I keep him in underwear but with a diaper on top to catch the mess?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I have a confession: I run from potty training questions like the plague. Why? Because, like for sleep training and feeding, it feels almost impossible to offer good support for potty training; there\u2019s simply little we can do to control someone else\u2019s bowels. I can offer data (and I will) and encouragement (absolutely), but at the end of the day, your son\u2019s body and its eliminations are his own, and there is no amount of pleading or bribing that can change that. It\u2019s harsh, but it\u2019s true.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with some facts: A 3-year-old is not interested in the time it takes to sit and poop on the potty. Most 3-year-olds are too busy for that, and although urine comes easily, poop is another story.<\/p>\n

Most children\u00a0can\u2019t begin to control their bowels<\/a>\u00a0until they are 24 to 30 months old, so we are looking at a much longer runway for many kids. The issue with training the bowels is that, unlike with urination, the stress related to bowel training quickly leads to constipation, and then we have a real problem on our hands. When it hurts to poop, a child will not want to go. Would you? The more we push your son to train (pun intended), the worse he\u2019ll feel about himself, and the more resistant he\u2019ll become. The diaper or pull-up feels safe, emotionally and physically, and his bowels can then release.<\/p>\n

First: Always check with your pediatrician to make sure your son doesn\u2019t have any underlying conditions. Second: Do not allow your child to poop in his bed. Even typing that fills me with shame, and I am not your son! If your son could relax and control his bowels, he would. Pooping in his bed will only worsen the constipation, pain and worry, as well as the potty training. Third: Don\u2019t ditch pull-ups or diapers; those are needed to help him relax and to keep his bowels moving.
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You may be focused on him being able to poop in the potty, but I simply want his little bowels to keep moving. Also, this issue is so common (especially the pooping) that there are dozens of books, blogs and articles on the topic available online. This should indicate to you that you are not alone. I know I find comfort in knowing there are numerous parents who are facing the same struggle I am; in this instance, it means you and your son are typical.<\/p>\n

Now for the real lesson (and hidden blessing) in potty training: You are getting your first real dose of how little you can control in your parenting life. You, like every other parent, have a deep desire to make things clean (literally, in this case), neat and easy. We want to \u201cmove it along\u201d (again, literally) and worry when it won\u2019t happen. We create stories for the future. (\u201cMy son will go to high school in a pull-up.\u201d) Or we worry about the past. (\u201cI knew I should\u2019ve started earlier.\u201d) But the reality is the same: Your son\u2019s body doesn\u2019t belong to you. And when it comes to helping your child mature and grow, connection trumps all bribes, threats and shame.<\/p>\n

Organisms grow in favorable conditions, and, in this case, your son needs two things: He needs relief from the pressure to perform something his little body isn\u2019t ready for, and he needs to feel that you love him no matter what. I\u2019m going to ask you to do the hardest thing I can ask a parent to do: Don\u2019t worry about this. Sure, the poop is gross, and the pull-ups are expensive, but as you relax into the reality of your lack of control, accept that this is part of the parenting gig and that your primary work is smiling, telling him you don\u2019t mind wiping him up, celebrating him when he sits on the potty (fully clothed) and repeating: \u201cI\u2019m not worried about it. It\u2019s all practice, buddy!\u201d<\/p>\n

In the meantime, place potties around the house (I know it\u2019s gross), and if he\u2019s interested, help him sit. Give him foods rich in fiber and lots of water to keep things soft and moving. Practice smiling and giving him a small treat for even the smallest of attempts, not just if he poops.<\/p>\n

You have to look at this little boy and believe that, if you love him and provide the right environment, he will mature into someone who poops in the potty. The inverse is also true: If you shame, force and push, his constipation will worsen, and the training will take longer, with the worst outcome being that your relationship with him becomes strained.<\/p>\n

Relax, smile, text a friend when you need to rant and repeat. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0Potty training advice needed: Our son just turned 3. He’s great with peeing, except he still wears diapers for sleeping. We are struggling with pooping. He knows he’s supposed to go in the potty. But he just .\u2009.\u2009. won’t. He doesn’t like going in his underpants, either. He waits until he’s put into a diaper for naptime or bedtime, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5799,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[270,853,584,762,854,585,13,592,591,852,487,285,1621,566,593],"class_list":["post-5795","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-children","tag-diaper-when-pooping","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-meghan-leahy-washington-post","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-poop-on-potty","tag-potty-train","tag-potty-training","tag-the-washington-post","tag-toddler","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nMy son refuses to poop in the potty. 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