{"id":5850,"date":"2022-02-02T10:11:42","date_gmt":"2022-02-02T15:11:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5850"},"modified":"2022-02-02T10:11:42","modified_gmt":"2022-02-02T15:11:42","slug":"my-child-has-new-pronouns-i-cant-get-used-to-them-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-child-has-new-pronouns-i-cant-get-used-to-them-help\/","title":{"rendered":"My child has new pronouns. I can\u2019t get used to them. Help!"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:<\/b><\/i>\u00a0I have a 13-year-old daughter. She is low-key about it, but for several months, she has wanted us to use male pronouns and a male name for her. She doesn\u2019t say anything if we forget and correct ourselves. She has asked that teachers at school comply, and they do so. She has friends doing the same. I probably am not as consistent as I should be with it, because it freaks me out.<\/i><\/p>\n

I want to be supportive. And while wanting to be supportive, I also absolutely hate the idea that I will have to refer to my daughter with another name and another set of pronouns. She hasn\u2019t talked about transitioning, and she supposedly identifies as lesbian. This is not an issue I struggle with. However, I am really struggling with the gender thing. Help me with some wisdom here<\/i>!<\/i><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>In this day of ever-loosening gender norms and greater acceptance of our children\u2019s fluidity, it is easy to forget how left behind, scared, and angry parents can feel. Because we love our children and want them to feel safe and supported, many parents simply bury their feelings. They refuse to acknowledge any grief, as if we can flip a switch on our emotions. We can\u2019t. You are allowed to have every emotion: You are allowed to struggle, and you are even allowed to feel betrayed. You are allowed to grieve a life you thought you were going to have (though that was always a fantasy), and you are even allowed to feel suspicious.<\/p>\n

What we aren\u2019t allowed to do is take out our complicated feelings on our children. Let me say it again: We cannot take out our complicated feelings on our children.<\/p>\n

I know it may feel as if all children have gone on social media and have now decided they are gay or transgender or bisexual or all or none of the above, and I know it may feel overnight or sudden, but the truth is we really cannot control this. Not without doing untold damage to our children and our relationship with them.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

Depending on your age, you may have grown up with thoughts such as, \u201cI didn\u2019t even know gay people,\u201d or, \u201cSure, you could be gay or lesbian, but that\u2019s it,\u201d or, \u201cOkay, maybe being transgender is a real thing.\u201d And while we were tiptoeing out of the gender binary world, there were scores and scores of people closeted, hiding and being forced to lie. Just because these issues feel new to us doesn\u2019t mean they are new.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the good news: Your world feels rocked, and you still want to be supportive. Your\u00a0head knows<\/a>\u00a0that you need to show up for your child, but your heart is angry. Anger, while not a good or bad emotion, is usually masking something deeper, and in this case, I believe it\u2019s fear. Fear of the unknown? Fear of instability? Fear of your child\u2019s safety? Fear because you feel out of control? Fear of not feeling like you know your child? I don\u2019t know the answer, but the wisdom you are searching for rests in gently facing your fears.<\/p>\n

To normalize your fears, please do not seek out people who will shame you. Instead, partner with someone who will both see your viewpoint and help hold you accountable in changing your behaviors. There are many professionals who can do this, and one whom I trust is Uchenna Umeh. Umeh, a.k.a.\u00a0Dr. Lulu<\/a>, is a retired pediatrician who specializes in helping parents accept, understand and support their LGBTQ+ children. She has some recommendations for parents who are struggling as they work through their fear: \u201cConquering that fear requires abandoning any preconceived notions about the community, and seeing your child as a whole and complete human being worthy of your love and acceptance.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt will require small steps like:<\/p>\n