{"id":5866,"date":"2022-02-23T16:39:08","date_gmt":"2022-02-23T21:39:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5866"},"modified":"2022-02-23T16:39:08","modified_gmt":"2022-02-23T21:39:08","slug":"dad-knows-hes-a-lot-tougher-on-his-son-than-his-daughter-he-asks-is-this-normal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/dad-knows-hes-a-lot-tougher-on-his-son-than-his-daughter-he-asks-is-this-normal\/","title":{"rendered":"Dad knows he\u2019s a lot tougher on his son than his daughter. He asks: Is this normal?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b><\/i>I\u2019m a dad of two: a girl and a boy. I find that I\u2019m a lot tougher on my son than my daughter, even though he\u2019s younger. I also have a short leash and am easily triggered when he (age 3) whines, in a way I don\u2019t think I was with my daughter. Is this normal for dads?<\/i><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Is it normal for dads to be tougher on their sons than their daughters? Anecdotally, I see this pretty often in American parenting, but I cannot speak to dads\u2019 parenting styles all over the world. There is a 2017\u00a0study<\/a>\u00a0related to this question, published by the American Psychological Association, that gathered information from brain scans and recorded daily interactions among 52 fathers. The study found that they were more emotional with and attentive to their daughters, while they were more physical and used \u201cachievement-related language (e.g., words such as proud, win and top)\u201d with their sons.<\/p>\n

The science doesn\u2019t point to fathers\u2019 brains being hard-wired to respond to their daughters more gently, so it\u2019s easy to imagine that \u201ctough men\u201d have been raised by tough men who have been raised by tough men \u2014 and on it goes. I do see this\u00a0trend beginning to change<\/a>, especially since I was growing up, but I\u2019m guessing the culture you identify with may have some kind of history of \u201cstrong men\u201d that you have continued with your son.<\/p>\n

I give you this information because I truly want to get to the bottom of what \u201cnormal\u201d is in our parenting culture. First, if you are parenting more than one child, you will parent them differently. That\u2019s how it goes. You may favor, identify with, get your buttons pushed by or seem to understand one child more than the other. Parents don\u2019t usually want to admit this, but it\u2019s true, and it\u2019s really only a problem if we allow it to happen without taking responsibility for ourselves. So you\u2019re ahead! You know you are doing this, and you are beginning to see the habit it\u2019s creating.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

I am also wondering whether there is something about the whining that is especially problematic for you. Is it that your daughter\u2019s whining felt more acceptable to you? Did she not whine that much, so it\u2019s a newer issue for you? Were you disciplined harshly for whining or expressing big emotions while you were growing up? To fully understand this problem and move past \u201cnormal,\u201d I would recommend zooming out and taking a harder look at the situation. Get specific. Did your daughter whine, and what did you do? When does your son whine? Are you triggered every time? Is it every day? The clearer you are on your patterns, the more likely you are to change them.<\/p>\n

I know you are writing to ask whether your behavior and reaction to your son are normal, but I want to challenge you to change the norm of how we raise our sons. We know from research and evidence in our daily lives that restricted emotions in men\u00a0are linked to<\/a>\u00a0depression, a lower likelihood of seeking mental health treatment, decreased social intimacy and marital dissatisfaction. That\u2019s a trend we don\u2019t want to continue.<\/p>\n

Think of it this way: Daughters benefit from roughhousing and more physical play, just as sons benefit from tenderness and attention to their emotions. Create a plan to make tangible changes for both of your children. This may involve hiring a\u00a0parenting coach<\/a>, taking\u00a0parenting classes<\/a>\u00a0or reading books such as \u201cHow to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen<\/a>\u201d by Joanna Faber and Julie King. But it is a worthwhile endeavor. Your children are young; making adjustments now can lead to important changes in your relationships with both of them. Don\u2019t accept normal! And by asking this question, it seems as if you are on your way. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0I\u2019m a dad of two: a girl and a boy. I find that I\u2019m a lot tougher on my son than my daughter, even though he\u2019s younger. I also have a short leash and am easily triggered when he (age 3) whines, in a way I don\u2019t think I was with my daughter. Is this normal for dads? A:\u00a0Is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5868,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[270,261,447,628,159,673,584,762,585,13,8,592,992,591,500,1641],"class_list":["post-5866","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-children","tag-dad","tag-daughters","tag-family","tag-father","tag-how-to-raise-a-daughter","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-siblings","tag-parenting-tips","tag-relationships","tag-son"],"yoast_head":"\nDad a lot tougher on his son than his daughter. 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