{"id":5869,"date":"2022-03-02T11:25:42","date_gmt":"2022-03-02T16:25:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5869"},"modified":"2022-03-02T11:25:42","modified_gmt":"2022-03-02T16:25:42","slug":"help-my-2-year-old-wont-listen-to-anything-i-say","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/help-my-2-year-old-wont-listen-to-anything-i-say\/","title":{"rendered":"Help! My 2-year-old won\u2019t listen to anything I say."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:<\/b><\/i>\u00a0My toddler turned 2 two months ago, and he won\u2019t listen to anything I ask him to do. I haven\u2019t yelled at him or forced him into doing anything, except maybe cutting his nails and taking medicine when he\u2019s sick. I have always used logic and reasoning, and I love to help him along the way. However, I\u2019m beginning to worry that he thinks I am very mild and that I\u2019ll change my mind if he throws a bigger tantrum, cries more or always says no.<\/i><\/p>\n

He is now rejecting food because of his newfound sense of self, which I respect, but I worry whether I\u2019m letting the reins out of my hands. He\u2019s a great child: loving and sensitive, curious and bubbly. I don\u2019t want to hamper his spirit, but I\u2019m the parent, and I have responsibilities to teach him things, such as eating meals at the table. For two months, he has not eaten a decent meal at the table. I\u2019m confused, lost and upset.<\/i><\/p>\n

A:<\/b>\u00a0Congrats on having a 2-year-old. It\u2019s definitely like a Charles Dickens novel: the best of times, the worst of times. Just as you noted, typical 2-year-olds are loving, sensitive, curious and bubbly. It can also feel as if they\u2019re tyrannical, defiant and bossy. It\u2019s normal to feel your authority being called into question when parenting a 2-year-old. The truth is that this is the first of many instances where you will be called to make some new decisions in your parenting life. Unlike the old ways of parenting (we do what our parents did, which is what their parents did, etc.), we get to learn about our 2-year-olds and choose the best ways to parent our children.<\/p>\n

A little Toddler Theory 101: First, our deepest need is to belong, and 2-year-olds are still utterly attached to their caregivers. Your son takes all of his cues from you, and he is very attuned to your mood, facial expressions, tone of voice and even how you carry your body. Don\u2019t feel pressured by this; just know that it lets you off the hook for the chronic need to talk, talk, talk.<\/p>\n

Second, a 2-year-old is starting to individuate, meaning he\u2019s finding his own mind and owning his body. This is exciting and tiring parenting work, because your son\u2019s ability to use logic and reason is still not online consistently, so you are chronically parenting a little soul who is either quite happy or quite sad. Two-year-olds don\u2019t have the ability to take on other people\u2019s perspectives, so yes, it\u2019s what he wants, the way he wants it. This can feel manipulative, but your son doesn\u2019t have the ability to manipulate you. He is just a little ball of willfulness, and it will pass.<\/p>\n

We know he is where he should be. But what should you do? Follow his whims and fulfill his wishes? Yes and no. The first thing, whether it\u2019s about eating, dressing or something else, is to write down and repeat this mantra: His behavior isn\u2019t personal. He is not purposely trying to make you mad or be \u201cbad\u201d; he is growing. When we see that he is little and growing up, we can take a less \u201chim vs. me\u201d stance, and more of a \u201chow can I help him develop\u201d stance. As much as possible, don\u2019t get into power struggles with your son. You will never win, and everyone will be in tears. (His bad behaviors will also grow more than you would like.)<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

What can you do? Reach out to other toddler parents. Normalizing your struggles is an important part of parenting, and you will feel much better. Next, understand that holding boundaries is an important part of parenting. This looks like keeping him safe from himself (he can\u2019t run down the middle of the street or jump off the couch), and he will fight these boundaries. He will thrash, throw a tantrum, bite, kick and cry. Your job is to wait until that is over, then move on. No logic, no discussion. Just a no, and hold on to it.<\/p>\n

As for the three horsemen of the parenting apocalypse (eating, toileting and sleeping), there isn\u2019t much you can do that doesn\u2019t turn into abuse (at worst) or spinning your wheels (at best). Give him his food, eat with him, and smile and chat, and when he gets up or throws his food, the meal is over. Don\u2019t talk about it or shame him or remind him. Just move on. If he wants to graze, say: \u201cLunch is over, but we\u2019ll eat again soon!\u201d He may not like that, but that\u2019s okay. The boundaries are doing the teaching. You can\u2019t reason or discuss logic with a toddler.<\/p>\n

Loving and holding boundaries with your toddler is tiring work, and we were never meant to do this alone. Find support in whatever way you need it. Get assistance from a mother\u2019s helper, sitter or family member, and be sure to take breaks from your son, so when you see him, you can feel the love and compassion for him that you so badly want to feel.<\/p>\n

This is the age where good books can go a long way in helping you understand him. Go to your local library or bookstore, peruse the books and take some time to see what feels right to you. Basic development books are always a good start, and any book that helps you keep a sense of humor will also go a long way. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLooking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0My toddler turned 2 two months ago, and he won\u2019t listen to anything I ask him to do. I haven\u2019t yelled at him or forced him into doing anything, except maybe cutting his nails and taking medicine when he\u2019s sick. I have always used logic and reasoning, and I love to help him along the way. However, I\u2019m beginning […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5872,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[671,322,270,628,584,762,277,585,13,8,592,591,291,674,700,566,10,593],"class_list":["post-5869","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-2-year-old","tag-behavior","tag-children","tag-family","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-misbehavior","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-tantrums","tag-tips-for-parenting-toddlers","tag-tips-for-raising-toddlers","tag-toddler","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHelp! 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