{"id":5889,"date":"2022-03-30T10:00:09","date_gmt":"2022-03-30T14:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5889"},"modified":"2022-03-30T10:00:09","modified_gmt":"2022-03-30T14:00:09","slug":"my-son-has-adhd-and-cant-stop-playing-video-games-how-do-i-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/my-son-has-adhd-and-cant-stop-playing-video-games-how-do-i-help\/","title":{"rendered":"My son has ADHD and can\u2019t stop playing video games. How do I help?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b><\/i>I fear that my 12-year-old son, who has attention-deficit\/hyperactivity disorder, is addicted to video games. He obsesses over winning prizes and getting to the next level. It dominates his conversations at home and with friends, which is annoying to most. I limit his tech time, but he spends more and more time in his room.<\/i><\/p>\n

I also fear that his obsession is alienating him from other children. A neighbor never wants to play with him anymore. The kid that sat next to him at lunch asked to move. In this pandemic environment, how do I encourage him to get out and try other activities without nagging?<\/i><\/p>\n

A:<\/b>\u00a0Thank you for your question. You are not alone when it comes to worrying about your preteen and his video game use. This issue seems to have become even more pronounced after two years of the pandemic and, in most cases, virtual school. The obsessions of \u201cwinning prizes and getting to the next level,\u201d while annoying, are not uncommon for many 12-year-olds, especially boys. Games are created to keep users coming back, and this is one of the ways to do that. This can be distressing for many parents, who report that outside interests seem to drop and that their boys\u2019 sleep is affected.<\/p>\n

You have also noted the drop in your son\u2019s friendships in the neighborhood and in school, but I am not sure whether this is correlated with his video game use.<\/p>\n

To begin, I have a request that may make you uncomfortable: Befriend the video games. Bad-mouthing them, taking them away as punishment or hiding them will only hurt your relationship with your son. The best way to get your son on your side is to value what he values. It is clear that the games aren\u2019t going away, so do your best to enter his world. Get curious about the games, see whether you can play with him and ask him to teach you about their intricacies. I know you may rather watch paint dry, but showing true interest will go a long way in gaining your son\u2019s trust, which leads to good communication (a must for every parent\/preteen relationship). We befriend the video games, because we want to help him live with a sort of balance.<\/p>\n

Another suggestion: You mention he stays in his room. If his gaming system is in his bedroom, this is only going to increase his isolation and \u201caddiction.\u201d Find a way, if you can, to move it into a common area, which will help you connect with him as he plays. This will also keep his room as a place to sleep and rest, and he won\u2019t be tempted by screens when he should be resting. Twelve is a young age to have video games in one\u2019s room, when preteens can\u2019t control their impulses to keep playing. As much as possible, bring the tech out of his room cooperatively. If you take it out while he\u2019s not there, that is like an act of war in your relationship. Slow and steady is the better way through.<\/p>\n

We must also acknowledge that ADHD plays a pretty big role in his tendencies to hyper-focus and obsess.\u00a0Studies have shown<\/a>\u00a0that children with ADHD game at a higher rate than their peers, so although gaming doesn\u2019t cause ADHD, children with ADHD tend to have a harder time breaking away from games.<\/p>\n

\u201cAn ADHD label suggests that he is prone to hyper-focusing on the interests that he finds most stimulating, which is most likely a game designed to pull for attention. Add in less awareness of the social impacts if he is missing and\/or misinterpreting cues from friends, \u2026 all common factors for adolescents identified with ADHD,\u201d says my friend Adam Pletter, a child psychologist and a tech and children expert.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

Therefore, we must address your son\u2019s ADHD at the same time as we tackle the gaming; his brain\u2019s differences are not willpower issues, and they are not a sign of lazy parenting. His brain makes him feel good when he\u2019s gaming, so he needs extra support. See your psychiatrist, therapist and pediatrician for a reassessment, and be honest with them about his gaming and friendships.<\/p>\n

As for gaming at home, we know that ripping the console away from him and creating arbitrary rules will not work. Pletter recommends watching the \u201cTeenage Brain<\/a>\u201d episode of Netflix\u2019s \u201cThe Mind, Explained\u201d with your son as a conversation starter. It\u2019s relatively short and appropriate for parents to watch with preteens. Use the language from the episode, which explains that teens have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex as part of their normal development. (This part of the brain is used for focusing, shifting attention, regulating emotions and more.) The show suggests that parents often need to act as a teen\u2019s prefrontal cortex to help with decision-making, including how they spend their time, and making judgment calls.<\/p>\n

You can then begin to problem-solve with your son in a way that is cooperative and not just about what you want. You can both have a better understanding of the teen brain, and you can have more empathy for what he is going through.<\/p>\n

Finally, I say this often, but I want you to pick up \u201cRaising Human Beings<\/a>\u201d by Ross Greene. Yes, there are addiction-like behaviors going on and, yes, you may have a bit of a bumpy road ahead, but I suggest Greene\u2019s work because of its practicality and application to almost any family problem. Greene\u2019s\u00a0collaborative and proactive solutions<\/a>\u00a0approach is effective, because it suggests parents focus on one problem at a time, attune to the child\u2019s point of view, and find a solution that satisfies both parent and child. Greene\u2019s books guide parents through a step-by-step process for this, and although the path isn\u2019t always fast or simple, it is clear. Because gaming can be such a fraught issue with children, it is best to work with a model that has both parent and child feeling safe and heard.<\/p>\n

As you start to place boundaries around your son\u2019s gaming, you can also assess how to help him with his friendships. With more time and interests, he may naturally fall into new friendships, but this will need to be something you watch for. And don\u2019t discount the friends your son meets in his gaming worlds; these are real friendships! Acknowledge and celebrate that while you chip away at this issue. Good luck!<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0I fear that my 12-year-old son, who has attention-deficit\/hyperactivity disorder, is addicted to video games. He obsesses over winning prizes and getting to the next level. It dominates his conversations at home and with friends, which is annoying to most. I limit his tech time, but he spends more and more time in his room. I also fear that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5891,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[544,772,180,1130,1131,584,762,956,585,13,8,592,591,993,1562,1558,506,593],"class_list":["post-5889","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-adhd","tag-adhd-child","tag-friendships","tag-kids-and-friendship","tag-kids-and-screen-time","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-meghan-leahy-parenting","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-parenting-tweens","tag-screen-addiction","tag-video-game-time","tag-video-games","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nMy son has ADHD and can\u2019t stop playing video games. 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