{"id":5892,"date":"2022-04-06T10:24:20","date_gmt":"2022-04-06T14:24:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5892"},"modified":"2022-04-06T10:24:20","modified_gmt":"2022-04-06T14:24:20","slug":"what-to-do-when-a-child-has-irrational-fears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/fear\/what-to-do-when-a-child-has-irrational-fears\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do when a child has irrational fears"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:<\/b><\/i>\u00a0My 5-year-old daughter has started displaying an (irrational) fear of abandonment. For example, if I return the grocery cart to the store after buckling her and her 2-year-old brother into their seats, she will cry hysterically, tearful that I will not return to the car parked 10 feet away. If I leave the room to use the bathroom, she must follow me, despite me reassuring her that I\u2019ll be right back. She otherwise sleeps well on her own, separates easily at school, and eagerly attends birthday parties and sleepovers.<\/i><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve never once left her alone or failed to pick her up. Where is this stemming from, and how can we work together to help her overcome this anxiety? Her father suffers from anxiety and depression, so I\u2019m wondering whether this is showing up in her already?<\/i><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Thanks for writing in; this is a tough one. It can be confusing when our children start to display seemingly irrational fears out of nowhere, so let\u2019s try to figure this out.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve listed where she\u2019s not panicked, which is important. Critical separation points such as bedtime and school seem to be fine for her, and even birthday parties and sleepovers are going well. I am glad you mentioned that her father has anxiety and depression, because there is a\u00a0genetic component to anxiety<\/a>\u00a0running in families. That may make you feel as if the cards are stacked against your daughter, but remember: Environmental factors are also important, so don\u2019t \u201cblame\u201d her father for her fears. However, is her father\u2019s anxiety important to consider? Yes. Should you diagnose her as anxious? Maybe, maybe not, but it is something to watch for as you move forward, and it\u2019s something to bring up to her pediatrician.<\/p>\n

I also have an idea for what you can do before you start finding tools and getting diagnoses for your daughter: Ask her what is going on.<\/p>\n

She is young, but 5-year-olds can tell you about their thoughts and feelings. When she is dysregulated is\u00a0not<\/i>\u00a0the time to ask her about what\u2019s wrong and why she\u2019s freaking out. Crying hysterically is a sign that her prefrontal cortex is not online, so the best thing you can do in those moments is to stay calm and help her cool down. In a moment when you\u2019re both feeling regulated, use \u201cnoticing\u201d language: \u201cI have noticed that when I go to the bathroom, you like to follow me, and you feel pretty scared if you aren\u2019t with me. Tell me more about that.\u201d Then wait to see what she says. Don\u2019t be afraid to stay quiet after asking her a question; this may be the first time you have asked her why she is afraid, so let her think. This will also require some keen listening on your part. Remember that your logical mind doesn\u2019t match hers. She may tell you: \u201cRemember that time we were in that parking lot and you left me in the cart? That was scary!\u201d You may think it was no big deal, but don\u2019t say that. Remember: Her young brain cannot rationalize. Her emotions are real, and her fears can get stuck.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

I am hoping this will help you gain information that will lead you to answers. But no matter what, it is best to create a plan for when you go to the store or bathroom. There is nothing wrong with bringing her with you when you put the cart away, and you can also bring her into the bathroom. These aren\u2019t actual crises; they are inconveniences.<\/p>\n

When you feel ready, you can create a small plan with your daughter. For example, say: \u201cHow about this? I am going to use the potty, and I\u2019m going to sing \u2018Twinkle, Twinkle\u2019 the whole time. You sing with me, then I\u2019ll be back!\u201d We are looking for micro-solutions to help her build up courage. Don\u2019t try to rip off the bandage quickly, because doing so will make your daughter panic more. Try small solutions, one by one.<\/p>\n

I suggest you pick up Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson\u2019s book \u201cThe Whole-Brain Child<\/a>,\u201d and check out the website\u00a0heysigmund.com<\/i><\/a>. This book is a great primer for understanding your daughter\u2019s mind, and Hey Sigmund is full of excellent tips and ways to support your daughter.<\/p>\n

Although we don\u2019t want to cause your daughter undue panic, we also don\u2019t want this anxiety to take root. You have to help her develop bravery, so learning more about her mind and anxiety will aid you both. It feels a little strange that your daughter only has this anxiety with you, so please ask and listen, listen, listen to what she has to say. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0My 5-year-old daughter has started displaying an (irrational) fear of abandonment. For example, if I return the grocery cart to the store after buckling her and her 2-year-old brother into their seats, she will cry hysterically, tearful that I will not return to the car parked 10 feet away. If I leave the room to use the bathroom, she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5894,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,91,27,301],"tags":[263,788,162,322,710,758,270,628,1206,712,584,762,585,13,8,592,591,450,10,593],"class_list":["post-5892","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-fear","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-anxiety","tag-anxious-child","tag-attachment","tag-behavior","tag-child-anxiety","tag-child-anxious","tag-children","tag-family","tag-good-books-about-anxiety","tag-how-to-calm-fears","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-separation-anxiety","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to do when a child has irrational fears<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My 5-year-old daughter has started displaying an (irrational) fear of abandonment. 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