{"id":5932,"date":"2022-04-20T09:59:48","date_gmt":"2022-04-20T13:59:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5932"},"modified":"2022-04-20T09:59:48","modified_gmt":"2022-04-20T13:59:48","slug":"should-i-let-my-gay-daughter-have-a-sleepover-with-a-same-sex-friend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/should-i-let-my-gay-daughter-have-a-sleepover-with-a-same-sex-friend\/","title":{"rendered":"Should I let my gay daughter have a sleepover with a same-sex friend?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b><\/i>How do you recommend handling same-sex sleepovers when your 13-year-old daughter identifies as gay? She and her best friend might be more than friends (she\u2019s implied such when I\u2019ve gently asked), so I don\u2019t know how to handle them hanging out alone, either after school when no adults are home or during sleepovers when the adults are asleep.<\/i><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>When I first read this, I began to go down an LGBTQ+ rabbit hole and found information you could learn from (and I will still provide you with resources), but that isn\u2019t what is needed here. This isn\u2019t a matter of \u201cgay\u201d or \u201cstraight\u201d sleepovers. This is about two main issues: your family values and communication with your young teen.<\/p>\n

I am going to guess that you didn\u2019t grow up with many examples of how to parent gay youth; I know I certainly didn\u2019t. I also don\u2019t think I would have gotten a question like this eight years ago, let alone two. The landscape of considerations for parents when it comes to sleepovers and romance is changing, but don\u2019t overcomplicate it. Your young teen, gay or straight, still needs to know what values are important in your family, and the responsibility is on you to communicate them.<\/p>\n

First, sit down with yourself and\/or your partner or spouse and take a beat. Acknowledge that you need to reassess your parenting while you head into these teen years, and understand that there is nothing wrong with that. You are not expected to be ahead of the curve on parenting, because that\u2019s impossible.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s instead consider your family values, so you can be a better communicator with your young teen. There are many ways to assess your values, which will change over time. I recommend using\u00a0the downloadable guide<\/a>\u00a0\u201cLiving Into Our Values\u201d by Bren\u00e9 Brown (brenebrown.com<\/i><\/a>). (She also has\u00a0a podcast episode<\/a>\u00a0to teach you how to use the guide.)<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

You should also search \u201clist of values\u201d online, then choose your top five. You and your partner don\u2019t need to have matching choices, but seeing them allows you to discuss where you overlap when it comes to your children. For instance, I value independence, and my spouse values community, so we would discuss how to bring those together. How are we living these values, and how are we transmitting them? To dive deeper into this, check out the Center for Parenting Education for more exercises (centerforparentingeducation.org<\/i><\/a>). If you are a single parent, this activity is just as important.<\/p>\n

The point of clarifying your values is this: Teens can smell nonsense a mile away. If you are operating from a place of fear, uncertainty, bias, misinformation or generalized worry, you won\u2019t be able to communicate with your teen. Without solid values, you will shoot from the hip, make threats, shut down or give up, and that is not parenting from a place of power. Your goal is to raise a healthy young adult who values her body and sexuality and who has healthy boundaries, so you want to promote conversation that is clear and collaborative. You therefore have to do your best to kick (some of) your fear to the curb.<\/p>\n

As for how you handle this, that\u2019s up to you. You can be 100 percent supportive of her identity while also saying: \u201cI\u2019m uncomfortable with romantic interests spending the night. But I am supportive with a sleep-under, and we can make that fun.\u201d Or say: \u201cI\u2019m okay with this sleepover, but I would like her to stay in the guest room.\u201d This issue isn\u2019t about your daughter being gay, per se; it\u2019s about her maturity and the appropriateness of thrusting her into emotional and physical situations that she may not be ready for.<\/p>\n

Whether you are talking about having overnights or hanging out after school, I would suggest having an honest conversation with your daughter. You can outline your concerns, then take a moment to listen to her. The great news is that she trusts you enough to have come out, so keep that connection going. There is no reason for you to make this decision unilaterally. Please see your daughter as a collaborator.<\/p>\n

Finally, continue discussing puberty and sexuality. Again, you already have a connection with her based on trust (I hope), so check in with information, but lead by listening. Our culture is largely based on sex education and anecdotes for those who are cisgender, so consider reaching out for support from people such as Uchenna Umeh, a.k.a. Dr. Lulu, a retired pediatrician who specializes in helping parents of LGBTQ+ youth; listening to\u00a0podcasts<\/a>; and picking up\u00a0books<\/a>\u00a0to help you. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0How do you recommend handling same-sex sleepovers when your 13-year-old daughter identifies as gay? She and her best friend might be more than friends (she\u2019s implied such when I\u2019ve gently asked), so I don\u2019t know how to handle them hanging out alone, either after school when no adults are home or during sleepovers when the adults are asleep. A:\u00a0When […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5934,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[447,1615,584,762,585,1645,13,8,592,591,1644,1614,161,382,10,593],"class_list":["post-5932","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-daughters","tag-gay-teens","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-overnight","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-sleepover","tag-supporting-lgbtq-kids","tag-teens","tag-tweens","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nShould I let my gay daughter have a sleepover with a same-sex friend?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How do you recommend handling same-sex sleepovers when your 13-year-old daughter identifies as gay? 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