{"id":5972,"date":"2022-05-25T10:14:20","date_gmt":"2022-05-25T14:14:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=5972"},"modified":"2022-05-25T10:14:20","modified_gmt":"2022-05-25T14:14:20","slug":"he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/","title":{"rendered":"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
 <\/p>\n

Q:\u00a0<\/b><\/i>My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. I\u2019m not surprised, because he didn\u2019t care enough about his grades to work hard. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news, but an hour later, it was \u201cjust annoying,\u201d then he showed no further evidence of anything.<\/i><\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t reveal his emotions easily to me. If anything, he seems delusional (\u201cI\u2019m sure I\u2019ll get in\u201d) and avoidant of emotion. Now he might not get into his safety school, and I mentioned that to him. He got angry and asked why I would bring that up, telling me I\u2019m going to make him worry.<\/i><\/p>\n

I think I\u2019m beginning to see that he copes with the possibility of failure by denying it could happen. Then he doesn\u2019t process it and simply moves on. I\u2019m worried about this, and I\u2019m wondering whether I should guide him in some way?<\/i><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I am sorry your son didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. Whatever we may think about his efforts and caring, it is normal for teens to get excited about a goal (even when it is out of reach) and to feel crushed when the dream isn\u2019t realized. Natural consequences are a part of life, and the sooner a child safely experiences them, the better their resilience. But there is an undertone of frustration and hurt in your tone, and we need to dig into that.<\/p>\n

Ross Greene, a child psychologist and the author of \u201cThe Explosive Child<\/a>,\u201d says something I repeat to my clients and myself quite a bit: \u201cKids do well when they can.\u201d I thought of this saying when I read this sentence: \u201cI\u2019m not surprised, because he didn\u2019t care enough about his grades to work hard.\u201d As a student who didn\u2019t get good grades, as a teacher, as a school counselor, and as a parent and coach, I have not found that children just don\u2019t care enough to work hard. I have found, almost unequivocally, that students have some kind of pain, insecurity, learning issue or self-esteem problem that is standing in the way of them doing well.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/span><\/p>\n

I am not saying this to make you feel badly; teens can be very good at throwing their parents off the scent of their pain. They can be snarky, silent, mean or aloof, and, in your case, they can be in denial and avoidant. Is he really delusional? I don\u2019t know, but a true delusional disorder is rare and serious, because the person cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is not. If you think this is the case, please call a specialist to have your son assessed.<\/p>\n

Otherwise, you are working with a teen who is in a lot of emotional pain.<\/p>\n

I wish I could sit down with you and ask, \u201cWhen did this avoidance begin?\u201d because, at 17 or 18, it is hard to sort this all out. Has he been avoidant for years? When did his grades start slipping? What has happened in his life to cause this? Does he have a learning disorder? And most importantly, is he depressed? Many assume that depression means lying on the couch and sighing. Although it can look like that, it also looks like anger, especially in boys and men. I don\u2019t know whether depression is a primary issue or the result of another issue, such as a learning disability, or both. But it is never too late to start helping your son.<\/p>\n

First, stop assuming he didn\u2019t work hard or didn\u2019t care. That is probably not true, and it won\u2019t lead to any good change. Second, say something like: \u201cI think I make you worry or feel nervous when I ask you about things, and I don\u2019t want to do that anymore. Let\u2019s find a better way to communicate.\u201d This may be the first time you speak to him with this level of vulnerability, so you may need more support.<\/p>\n

Finally, start spending some positive time with your son. Take him away for the weekend, go out to eat or watch a movie. Do anything to bring the two of you together, so you can learn more about him. You don\u2019t want him to just be realistic about his future, which can be a goal. You want to understand what makes him tick, why he is shutting down and whether he needs professional help.<\/p>\n

Again, please reach out to his pediatrician or an expert who works with older teens for guidance. You don\u2019t have to do this alone. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. I\u2019m not surprised, because he didn\u2019t care enough about his grades to work hard. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news, but an hour later, it was \u201cjust annoying,\u201d then he showed no further evidence of anything. He doesn\u2019t reveal his emotions easily […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5572,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,348,301],"tags":[1162,1347,311,501,1654,936,1071,1318,1491,522,761,444,792,584,762,585,13,8,592,591,1377,260,1351,1097,556,161,1655,10,593],"class_list":["post-5972","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-school","category-washington-post","tag-advice-for-raising-teens","tag-bad-grades","tag-boys","tag-college","tag-comfort","tag-communication-with-teen","tag-conversation-with-teens","tag-disappointment","tag-emotions","tag-empathy","tag-helping-a-child-with-anger","tag-homework","tag-leahy-parenting","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-quality-time","tag-school","tag-teen-behavior","tag-teenage-boys","tag-teenagers","tag-teens","tag-upset","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHe didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news...\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news...\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-05-25T14:14:20+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/cmhTqKRQ-scaled.jpeg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/\",\"name\":\"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2022-05-25T14:14:20+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-05-25T14:14:20+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news...\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?","description":"My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news...","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?","og_description":"My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news...","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2022-05-25T14:14:20+00:00","og_image":[{"width":2560,"height":2560,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/cmhTqKRQ-scaled.jpeg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/","name":"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2022-05-25T14:14:20+00:00","dateModified":"2022-05-25T14:14:20+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"My son just found out he didn\u2019t get into his first choice of college. He was clearly disappointed when he got the news...","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/he-didnt-make-it-into-his-top-college-choice-how-do-i-help-now\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"He didn\u2019t make it into his top college choice. How do I help now?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5972"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5972"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5972\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5974,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5972\/revisions\/5974"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5572"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5972"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5972"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5972"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}