{"id":6361,"date":"2022-09-28T17:02:03","date_gmt":"2022-09-28T21:02:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=6361"},"modified":"2022-09-28T17:02:03","modified_gmt":"2022-09-28T21:02:03","slug":"a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/","title":{"rendered":"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
 <\/p>\n

Q:\u00a0<\/b><\/i>My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation). I\u2019m horrified. He just started high school last week. He failed most of his eighth-grade classes because he did almost no work. Last year was abysmal, and I can see this year may not be better. I\u2019ve found evidence that he\u2019s sexually active, though he insists he is not. I have forbidden him and his partner from spending anymore time in his room with his door shut, not just because of his age but because the partner is not even allowed to date. I\u2019ve explained this to my son, the amount of trouble they could end up in and that I\u2019m not into keeping this secret from their guardian (grandparent). Now he spends almost all of his time away from home, which I\u2019d honestly be okay with if I knew he was doing his schoolwork, etc. I enjoy not being a target of his teenage hormones and bad behavior! It\u2019s so nice!<\/i><\/p>\n

My question is, how can I deal with him nicely and neutrally, while still enforcing boundaries and rules? His behavior has kind of made me start to really dislike him as a person. At this point, I\u2019m assuming he\u2019s always lying to us and up to something devious. And when I\u2019ve given him the benefit of the doubt, I\u2019ve always felt stupid afterward, as most often, he was lying. I\u2019ve talked to him about this and tried to open discussions on all of these topics, but nothing changes. He refuses to see a therapist, even after he\u2019s asked twice for one and I\u2019ve found them. (I think he was just trying to get medication and be done with it, which didn\u2019t happen.) I love him so much, but I don\u2019t like him right now, and I need to save my sanity and hopefully get us all out of this unscathed! He\u2019s my youngest out of three, but the others are much older than him, and I guess I forgot how hard the teen years are (plus I\u2019m so much older now, too). I\u2019ve always been a free-range type parent and honestly wouldn\u2019t focus so much on the bad stuff (except the woman\/teacher\/me treatment) if he kept up with his responsibilities!<\/i><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Thanks for writing in; you have quite a few challenges with your 14-year-old son. You\u2019ve asked a very important question: \u201cHow can I deal with him nicely and neutrally, while still enforcing boundaries and rules?\u201d And I\u2019m going to be honest with you: You are past the place of dealing with him \u201cneutrally.\u201d The lying is not great, the drug use is also not ideal, but the abusive speech toward teachers? Your son is not coming home? We are much, much past the \u201chow hard the teen years are,\u201d and I\u2019m concerned that you\u2019d be okay with some of these behaviors if he \u201ckept up with his responsibilities.\u201d<\/p>\n

Our culture is a bit confused when it comes to teens and their behavior. We seem to have a collective misunderstanding that our teens are supposed to lie, abuse alcohol and drugs, and become belligerent. We believe that our teens are meant to push us away and become defiant, disobedient and disrespectful, but this isn\u2019t true. Are teens known to push boundaries, have trouble seeing around the corner and engage in some risky behaviors? Yes, but parents don\u2019t have to accept this fatalistic view of teens, and when we do, we don\u2019t give teens enough credit, while also letting ourselves off the parenting hook. For more of this viewpoint, pick up \u201cBrainstorm<\/a>\u201d by Dan Siegel.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why your son is angry (angry enough to threaten women), but he is headed down a very dangerous path. At 14, it\u2019s not too late to make some big changes. I reached out to\u00a0John Duffy<\/a>, a psychologist and author of \u201cParenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety<\/a>.\u201d He specializes in teens, and while some of your son\u2019s behaviors are concerning, there are other behaviors that require immediate attention. \u201cThe abusive speech, the drug use, the sexual activity. These are a matter of health and safety, and managing them needs to be nonnegotiable,\u201d Duffy says. This means that even if he cleans his room and throws out the trash, \u201cthey won\u2019t get better on their own and are likely to deteriorate quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n

It can be difficult to want to help your son when he is so tough to be around, so Duffy recommends thinking of these behaviors \u201cas symptoms of some underlying emotional discomfort your son is suffering, and either not fully aware of, or not sharing with you. With some renewed empathy, you\u2019ll find the energy to act on his behalf.\u201d<\/p>\n

Because of your son\u2019s treatment of women, drug use and rampant lying, immediate crisis intervention is needed. Duffy says to get your son to a therapist \u201cto assess the level of care (outpatient therapy, inpatient work, intensive outpatient therapy or day treatment) he needs. So, you need to consider what leverage you have with your son, and be prepared to use it. This may be revoking privileges like curfew or access to WiFi, or your goodwill with him. I know it\u2019s been difficult to get him to see a therapist in the past, and this is tricky for teenagers, especially for boys, many of whom continue to carry the idea that therapy suggests some weakness. So ask him to agree to a limited number of sessions. I usually suggest three. In three hours, a good therapist with experience working with children in his age group should be able to gain buy-in. Talk to the therapist beforehand. Ensure they have experience with your son\u2019s issues, and his resistance to treatment. Then, your job is just to get him in the room.\u201d<\/p>\n

I would look at it like this: He is headed down a path of possible violence, jail time or death, and so make it a priority to get him to a (preferably male) therapist who can see him as a young man in pain.<\/p>\n

You also should get family counseling. Whatever has led your son to this level of anger needs to be addressed within the entire family, and the support he needs will also need everyone\u2019s cooperation, compassion and attention.<\/p>\n

Please do not wait to help your son. He is only 14, and he has the potential to live a happier and more stable life. Get the support you need, stat. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation). I\u2019m horrified. He just started high school last week. He failed most of his eighth-grade classes because he did almost no work. Last year was abysmal, and I can see this year may not be better. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":6364,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[458,1684,268,322,163,1682,1054,136,761,286,882,584,762,277,585,13,8,592,591,260,1526,1681,1641,309,161,1683,922,10,593],"class_list":["post-6361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-abuse","tag-abusive-speech","tag-anger","tag-behavior","tag-boundaries","tag-drug-use","tag-free-range-parent","tag-frustration","tag-helping-a-child-with-anger","tag-lying","tag-lying-and-punishment","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-misbehavior","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-school","tag-sex","tag-sexually-active","tag-son","tag-teachers","tag-teens","tag-teens-and-drugs","tag-tips-for-mothers-and-sons","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nA 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation).\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation).\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-09-28T21:02:03+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/00000000000000-scaled.jpeg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/\",\"name\":\"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2022-09-28T21:02:03+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-09-28T21:02:03+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation).\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up","description":"My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation).","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up","og_description":"My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation).","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2022-09-28T21:02:03+00:00","og_image":[{"width":2560,"height":2560,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/00000000000000-scaled.jpeg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/","name":"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2022-09-28T21:02:03+00:00","dateModified":"2022-09-28T21:02:03+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"My 14-year-old son has begun to set a precedent of lying, drug use and abusive speech toward teachers (primarily female, in my observation).","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-14-year-olds-behavior-makes-a-parent-feel-like-giving-up\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"A 14-year-old\u2019s behavior makes a parent feel like giving up"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6361"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6361"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6361\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6363,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6361\/revisions\/6363"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6364"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6361"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6361"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6361"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}