{"id":6426,"date":"2022-11-03T14:13:02","date_gmt":"2022-11-03T18:13:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=6426"},"modified":"2022-11-03T14:13:02","modified_gmt":"2022-11-03T18:13:02","slug":"how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/","title":{"rendered":"How do we stop whining that turns into crying that turns into a tantrum?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b><\/i>Could you elaborate on the differences in handling crying, whining and tantruming (angry crying\/screaming)? I am very sensitive to the fact that I don\u2019t want to tell my son to stop crying or to \u201cbuck up,\u201d but what about whining that turns into crying? \u201cNo, you cannot have X,\u201d often spurs a long whining session begging for that thing. I will tell him that he can keep whining if he wants, but he has to do it in his room instead of at my feet or while trying to climb into my lap.<\/i><\/p>\n

This obviously doesn\u2019t work, and he often goes into full tantrum mode. Then I will take him away from the rest of the family, usually to his room, where I will sit in a chair looking at my phone until the tantrum turns into sad crying (when he starts asking for a hug), then I will hold him until he stops crying.<\/i><\/p>\n

Is it okay to say that he needs to stop whining or screaming before he can leave his room and that it\u2019s not okay to behave that way? Whining is a huge trigger for me (as it is, I assume, for most parents), so not screaming at him to stop after he has been going on for 10 minutes generally takes all my willpower.<\/i><\/p>\n

I just can\u2019t imagine being able to engage sweetly with him or in any way validating that behavior other than letting him get it out of his system and being extremely unemotional during the whole process until he\u2019s ready for comfort. (He will not be distracted.) Is this an okay way to handle this?<\/i><\/p>\n

A:<\/b>\u00a0Thank you for writing in; you are not the only parent triggered by whining, so let\u2019s try to alleviate some of the suffering here. You don\u2019t mention your son\u2019s age, so I\u2019m going to assume that your child is under 5, because you\u2019re taking him to rooms.<\/p>\n

The first thing to understand is that your parenting job is not necessarily to stop crying, whining or even tantruming. Although these acts are difficult to listen to, a young child cannot develop properly without moving their big emotions through and, when you\u2019re little, all emotions are pretty big. You will notice that you don\u2019t see much ambivalence in young children; they are living in the moment, and life is made up of small and big frustrations. These frustrations can lead to a little whining or full tantrums, and although this is \u201cnormal\u201d behavior, we parents can make it better or worse with our own behavior.<\/p>\n

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My friend\u00a0Sandi Lerman<\/a>, who specializes in adoption and trauma, has a great tool for assessing the power struggles in your home: LIFT, which stands for length, intensity, frequency and triggers. You know you are triggered by whining, but I\u2019m not interested in how to react to the problem; I\u2019m interested in how to understand the issues and prevent them. LIFT will help you assess whether the situation is getting better or worse over time.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When using LIFT, you will quickly ascertain the patterns that are leading to greater upset. You say: \u201cI will tell him that he can keep whining if he wants, but he has to do it in his room instead of at my feet or while trying to climb into my lap.\u201d This is not the first problem, but even you admit that it leads to more upset. Giving a false choice \u2014 \u201cyou can whine, but not here\u201d \u2014 will only lead to more frustration, and your child is not going to respond maturely. He\u2019s little, remember? The other problem is that the deepest human need is to belong, so sending him away, even if you go with him but ignore him, as you say you do, will up the ante. (Hence the tantrum.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I don\u2019t think you\u2019re doing everything wrong. Remember: Young children are emotional and often tired, and are therefore frequently tiring for us. I love that you are compassionately staying with him. (Don\u2019t stop that.) Let\u2019s refocus on the first no. Is there a way to say yes instead? This is not giving in to your young child; instead, this is getting in front of the power struggle. \u201cYes, you can have a snack before dinner. Here\u2019s some cucumber.\u201d Is there a pattern of something your child needs every night? Is there a routine that needs changing or an expectation that can be dropped?<\/p>\n

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When there\u2019s nothing left to do but hold the boundary, please get on your knee, look your child in the eye, put a kind tone in your voice and say: \u201cThe answer is no. I know this is frustrating, and it\u2019s okay to be upset about this.\u201d Then keep your mouth shut and wait. Don\u2019t keep justifying, don\u2019t ask him to stop whining and don\u2019t move him. Just stay nearby and stay loving. When he eventually cries, all you need to do is hug him.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m not going to lie to you: This is very hard work. If the whining grates on you, get some earplugs (seriously), plan to briefly remove yourself or arrange backup in the form of a partner, family member or friend. As you practice staying calm, your child is less likely to slip into the tantrums.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Go slowly, keep practicing and remember: You are both learning from each other. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this on <\/span>The Washington Post<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click <\/span>Here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sign up for my<\/span> Newsletter here<\/span><\/a> to get this in your inbox every week!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Q:\u00a0Could you elaborate on the differences in handling crying, whining and tantruming (angry crying\/screaming)? I am very sensitive to the fact that I don\u2019t want to tell my son to stop crying or to \u201cbuck up,\u201d but what about whining that turns into crying? \u201cNo, you cannot have X,\u201d often spurs a long whining session begging for that thing. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5835,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[612,1143,322,270,178,273,628,685,1082,584,762,277,585,13,8,592,591,614,566,1178,10,593,634,457,1083],"class_list":["post-6426","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-4-year-old","tag-5-year-old","tag-behavior","tag-children","tag-crying","tag-development","tag-family","tag-how-to-handle-tantrums","tag-how-to-stop-whining","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-misbehavior","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-tantrum","tag-toddler","tag-toddler-tantrums","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting","tag-what-to-do-about-tantrums","tag-whining","tag-whining-kids"],"yoast_head":"\nHow do we stop whining that turns into crying and into a tantrum?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Could you elaborate on the differences in handling crying, whining and tantruming (angry crying\/screaming)?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How do we stop whining that turns into crying and into a tantrum?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Could you elaborate on the differences in handling crying, whining and tantruming (angry crying\/screaming)?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-11-03T18:13:02+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/01\/fxTp7B5H.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1100\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"488\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/\",\"name\":\"How do we stop whining that turns into crying and into a tantrum?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2022-11-03T18:13:02+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-11-03T18:13:02+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"Could you elaborate on the differences in handling crying, whining and tantruming (angry crying\/screaming)?\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-do-we-stop-whining-that-turns-into-crying-that-turns-into-a-tantrum\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How do we stop whining that turns into crying that turns into a tantrum?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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