{"id":658,"date":"2012-05-07T18:34:30","date_gmt":"2012-05-07T22:34:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=658"},"modified":"2015-12-04T12:26:59","modified_gmt":"2015-12-04T17:26:59","slug":"two-common-questions-tough-answers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/fear\/two-common-questions-tough-answers\/","title":{"rendered":"Common Questions…Tough Answers"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Upon learning what I do for a living, adults of all stripes tend to ask me two main questions.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The first question is asked, well, pretty much all of the time.<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/strong>\u201cWhat is wrong with kids these days?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Huh.\u00a0 I always feel pretty awkward here, because I believe (really<\/em>, I do), that nothing much is wrong with kids these days.\u00a0 I think babies are amazing, little kids are hilarious and curious, older kids are skilled and bright, and teens are\u00a0not<\/em>\u00a0going to hell-in-a-hand-basket.\u00a0 I guess as a professional, I should have a more \u201cdoomsday\u201d state-of-mind about children, and I suppose I could easily find studies that support that many things are \u201cwrong with kids\u201d these days, but\u2026nope.\u00a0 I really like kids and I think that, with only a couple of exceptions, they walk the Earth much like kids have walked the Earth for hundreds and hundreds of years.<\/p>\n

When parents say this to me (\u201cWhat is\u00a0wrong<\/strong>\u00a0with\u00a0kids<\/strong>\u00a0these days?\u201d)<\/em>, it is a flag to me that screams:<\/p>\n

Why can\u2019t I control my kids?<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

(Trust me, I know.\u00a0 I used to fly that flag high and strong, day in and day out.\u00a0 I think I\u00a0created<\/em>\u00a0that flag).<\/p>\n

I say, let’s abandon the perception of control over others and grow confidence in role-modeling, as well as trusting that your children can\u00a0do the right thing<\/em>.\u00a0 Alyson Schafer (and I quote her loosely here) says that parents think that children, if left unchecked and uncontrolled, will be\u00a0bad<\/em>\u00a0and do the\u00a0wrong thing<\/em>, when in actuality,\u00a0children are inherently\u00a0good, interested in justice<\/em>, and\u00a0want do the right thing<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 There is recent brain research that shows that young babies can recognize just and good acts, and prefer them!\u00a0 Of course, kids can be tempted by their environments and quickly growing brains to try the\u00a0wrong<\/em>\u00a0thing, but this does not make them \u201cbad\u201d or \u201cwrong.\u201d\u00a0 It makes them human.\u00a0 And being controlling, so far, has not shown to be a useful way to get\u00a0anyone<\/em>\u00a0to be \u201cgood.\u201d\u00a0 Just sayin\u2019.<\/p>\n

The second question I hear over and over is:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is wrong with parents these days?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Ha!\u00a0 Well, this seems to be easier, doesn\u2019t it?\u00a0 What is right<\/em> with parents these days?<\/p>\n

Well, to hear the media tell us, we work too much, have too little balance, are overweight, over-medicated, and, at least for women, the most depressed and anxious we have\u00a0ever\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>been!\u00a0 Parents helicopter, over-attach then detach, send their kids to too many activities, tune out, drink too much wine, gossip, worry about normal developmental milestones, have crappy and sexless marriages, eat out too much, aren\u2019t emotionally available, are too invested in academics, work too much out of the home, are home too much, aren\u2019t involved in politics enough, compare their kids and their own parenting skills to others and too often, and are generally unhappy.\u00a0 Oh, and don\u2019t forget the guilt.\u00a0 We are guilty about every decision we make.<\/p>\n

What a horrible life, right?\u00a0 It\u2019s a wonder we had these wretched kids!<\/p>\n

The general message to parents is:\u00a0 You are royally fucking up this parenting gig.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Personally, just like I think your kids are doing okay, I think you are doing just fine, too<\/strong>.\u00a0 Sure, you have your hard days and yes, parenting is tough, but I don\u2019t think you are as screwed up as you tell yourself you are!<\/p>\n

Yes, you are extremely important in your child\u2019s life.\u00a0 No doubt.\u00a0 So, when clients say to me, \u201cWhat is\u00a0wrong\u00a0<\/em>with parents these days?\u201d I hear:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t parents have better control of their kids?\u00a0 WE ARE RAISING A NATION OF BRATS! Man-up, people!\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

What is most interesting to me (as a parent coach), in regards to these two questions (what is\u00a0wrong<\/em>\u00a0with kids and parents?) is the connective idea of\u00a0control<\/strong>!<\/p>\n

Controlling our kids, controlling our environments, controlling others, and controlling outcomes.\u00a0 Control.\u00a0 Control.\u00a0 Control.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And where is this compulsive need for control born?\u00a0\u00a0Fear<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Fear of not being enough and doing enough.\u00a0 Fear of falling short.\u00a0 Fear that the world will see you for who you think you are: a scared loser.\u00a0 Fear of being vulnerable to life\u2019s great mysteries.\u00a0 Fear of not being up to the task.<\/p>\n

So, if you find yourself asking, \u201cwhat is wrong with parents and kids these days?<\/em><\/strong>\u201d I want you to go to the mirror and ask yourself a couple of questions:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat am I afraid of?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would people know if they really knew me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat scares me about parenthood?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would I be doing if I weren\u2019t trying to control others?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

These questions are the ones I am interested in asking and answering.<\/p>\n

Because, you see, I don’t think anything is\u00a0really \u201cwrong\u201d with anybody today.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s simply stop pretending we are in control of everything\u2026and strangely, things have a way of falling into their natural order.<\/p>\n

Try it. \u00a0What do you have to lose?<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Upon learning what I do for a living, adults of all stripes tend to ask me two main questions. The first question is asked, well, pretty much all of the time. \u201cWhat is wrong with kids these days?\u201d Huh.\u00a0 I always feel pretty awkward here, because I believe (really, I do), that nothing much is wrong with kids these days.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[91],"tags":[195,491,439,8,205,450,463],"class_list":["post-658","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fear","tag-control","tag-depression","tag-parent-coaching","tag-parenting","tag-positivity","tag-separation-anxiety","tag-worrying"],"yoast_head":"\nCommon Questions...Tough Answers - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/fear\/two-common-questions-tough-answers\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Common Questions...Tough Answers - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Upon learning what I do for a living, adults of all stripes tend to ask me two main questions. 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