{"id":6822,"date":"2023-06-21T21:22:08","date_gmt":"2023-06-22T01:22:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=6822"},"modified":"2023-06-21T21:22:08","modified_gmt":"2023-06-22T01:22:08","slug":"parents-have-different-approaches-to-gift-giving-for-their-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/parents-have-different-approaches-to-gift-giving-for-their-children\/","title":{"rendered":"Parents have different approaches to gift-giving for their children"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: <\/b><\/i>I have a question about how to approach new toys with my almost 5-year-old and 2-year-old. My husband and I grew up with very different approaches to gift-giving. In my family, my parents stopped getting me presents by middle school. When I wanted something, I asked for it, and I often got it. If it was too expensive, my parents said no. In my husband\u2019s family, his mom loves gift-giving. He did not get toys or new clothes (unless absolutely necessary) outside holidays. But there was an elaborate to-do over the opening of gifts any time there was an event. Now that my 5-year-old is old enough to pay attention to gifts, we are a little stuck on if it\u2019s possible to combine our family approaches. Essentially, I would like to occasionally get new toys (and clothes!) for my girls without fanfare. My husband wants to wait until there\u2019s a holiday and make it a celebration. I agree with that when they are older, but now they change interests so much and they\u2019re growing, so it feels like needless misery to only introduce new things to play with twice a year. Above all, we both agree we don\u2019t want our kids to feel entitled and expect presents constantly. Do you have any suggestion for how to handle gifts?<\/i><\/p>\n

A: <\/b>Thanks for writing in. While many people will read this and maybe think, \u201cCadillac problems,\u201d I thought it was interesting because this gift question is about values, family and communication. And many questions like this represent all those topics filed under \u201cThings we didn\u2019t talk about when we were dating.\u201d From the big things (religion\/faith, where to live, schooling, how to spend money) to the little things (giving gifts, hobbies, routines, what rest looks like), it is not abnormal for parents to turn to each other with incredulity when the values don\u2019t mesh. And, unless the values are diametrically opposed, most of these issues can be worked out with a little bit of planning and clear communication. This letter happens to be about gifts, but imagine it is about any value that you and your spouse may share.<\/p>\n

When I reread your letter, there are some easy solutions you can reach (big holidays and random gift days), but I would rather have you consider the values you are trying to transmit to your daughters. For instance, I don\u2019t know what your mother-in-law was trying to convey in her \u201conly gifts on holidays\u201d rule (frugality, patience and gratitude are my guesses), but what matters is what your spouse wants now. Did he think that only receiving gifts on holidays was a great way to grow up? Did it annoy him? Was it rigid? Was it comfortable? As a parent coach, this doesn\u2019t rank as a big issue to me, but please sit with your spouse and clarify his understanding of his own childhood. For all we know, your spouse has never even thought about his childhood and how it affected him; he is just running on autopilot, doing what was done in his family. And believe me, this is typical.<\/p>\n

Whatever his opinions are or are not, get to the nitty-gritty of the goals and values for the family. Rather than seeing it as proving a negative (I don\u2019t want my kids to be spoiled), think of it as the value of something positive: \u201cI want my children to appreciate the material items they have\u201d or \u201cI want my children to learn when enough is just right.\u201d Enjoying what one has, the fruits of labor, is a wonderful human trait, and we don\u2019t need to withhold, guilt or shame children into it.<\/p>\n

After you decide on your family values, you can decide on the boundaries needed to make it happen. Your children are on the young side, but I recommend starting family meetings as soon as you can so these conversations can be as smooth and democratic as possible. For instance, […]<\/p>\n

View this full article on The Washington Post<\/a><\/p>\n

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  Q: I have a question about how to approach new toys with my almost 5-year-old and 2-year-old. My husband and I grew up with very different approaches to gift-giving. In my family, my parents stopped getting me presents by middle school. When I wanted something, I asked for it, and I often got it. 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