{"id":6976,"date":"2023-08-09T18:39:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-09T22:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=6976"},"modified":"2023-08-09T18:39:00","modified_gmt":"2023-08-09T22:39:00","slug":"brothers-get-into-trouble-together-when-is-it-too-much","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/brothers-get-into-trouble-together-when-is-it-too-much\/","title":{"rendered":"Brothers get into trouble together. When is it too much?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: <\/b><\/i>Our 7-year-old and 5-year-old sons are best friends. They also get into lots of trouble when they\u2019re together. We try to explain to our older son that if he sees his brother doing or suggesting a wrong choice, he should tell him it\u2019s not a good idea and if that doesn\u2019t work, to tell his parents. He often joins in on the fun instead. Lately, they have been not listening at all, and I don\u2019t know whether that is age appropriate, or if there is a communication\/understanding gap. We always reiterate how much we love them even when angry or disciplining, but it\u2019s pretty constant anger and discipline.<\/i><\/p>\n

A: <\/b>When I read your letter, I immediately thought of the National Geographic videos featuring baby bears tumbling down hills as they tackle each other. Lots of fun trouble, not a lot of \u201cgood behavior.\u201d I was also reminded of a friend who once called me, concerned with the play of her four boys. She whispered, \u201cThey are really rough with each other, how do I know when to intervene? What\u2019s \u2018bad\u2019 and what\u2019s play?\u201d Any parent of two or more boys will likely give you a similar phrase, \u201cWhy do they find so much trouble?\u201d This is all to say: You aren\u2019t alone.<\/p>\n

To begin, just because your sons are getting into trouble doesn\u2019t mean your older son is shirking his brotherly duties. We also need to do a gut-check on what\u2019s developmentally appropriate for your kids. Even though your older son is at the age of reason, he is still not old enough to control all of his behaviors, as well as act as his little brother\u2019s prefrontal cortex. The older brother may be able to consider alternatives and rethink his choices, but if he\u2019s hungry or tired or sick or overexcited, then poof! He is just going on emotion. And if he has a little brother who loves some \u201cfun,\u201d the fun will almost always win out.<\/p>\n

Some 7-year-olds can be bossy and prescriptive, telling their parents everything, and some 7-year-olds don\u2019t hesitate to join in on the fun. Both are typical, and we now have to accept the reality in front of us. Raising a big brother to chronically police and tell on his little brother is not the direction you want to take. It creates mistrust and could do serious damage to their sibling relationship down the road.<\/p>\n

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The fact that your sons are getting into trouble is not a failure of willpower on their part, nor is it a failure of your parenting. We just need to rejigger the expectations (for now). If I were coaching you, I would ask you to look at the data. It\u2019s clear that, despite warnings, logic and reminders, the behavior isn\u2019t getting better. So we are going to put down those tools because they aren\u2019t working (sounds obvious, but that\u2019s how a lot of solutions begin). In parenting, clearing the sill of \u201canger and discipline\u201d can leave room for some other strategies that are more positive and may work better. Also, if \u201cdiscipline\u201d looks like taking things away or being sent to a room, those tactics result in a worsening relationship and worsening behavior.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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To begin, let\u2019s look at the \u201cfun\u201d that the boys are having. I wish that you had provided at least one example so that I could gauge how problematic the behavior is. Are they spray-painting the sides of houses or wrestling in the yard? Are they pulling flowers from…<\/p>\n

View this full article on The Washington Post<\/a><\/p>\n

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  Q: Our 7-year-old and 5-year-old sons are best friends. They also get into lots of trouble when they\u2019re together. We try to explain to our older son that if he sees his brother doing or suggesting a wrong choice, he should tell him it\u2019s not a good idea and if that doesn\u2019t work, to tell his parents. He often joins […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":6977,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1143,322,1680,270,273,628,584,762,277,585,13,592,446,10,593],"class_list":["post-6976","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-5-year-old","tag-behavior","tag-brothers","tag-children","tag-development","tag-family","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-misbehavior","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting-advice","tag-siblings","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nBrothers get into trouble together. 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