{"id":7138,"date":"2023-09-27T21:29:33","date_gmt":"2023-09-28T01:29:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=7138"},"modified":"2023-09-27T21:29:33","modified_gmt":"2023-09-28T01:29:33","slug":"my-ex-wife-tracks-our-teens-by-their-phones-even-when-theyre-with-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-ex-wife-tracks-our-teens-by-their-phones-even-when-theyre-with-me\/","title":{"rendered":"My ex-wife tracks our teens by their phones, even when they\u2019re with me"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: <\/b><\/i>I am a divorced father of two teenage boys. They are good kids and I respect their privacy; I don\u2019t track them by cellphone. I believe in the golden rule of treating others how you\u2019d want to be treated and I wouldn\u2019t want anyone tracking my every move. Their mom does track them. But what really irks me is that she tracks them even when they are staying with me; thus if I go somewhere with them, she is tracking me. She\u2019ll also send annoying texts. I\u2019m single (she\u2019s not) and I might be out on a Friday night, be on the way to get my kid and I\u2019ll get a text like, \u201cIsn\u2019t it a little late for [name of son] to be at his girlfriend\u2019s?\u201d (girlfriend\u2019s parents also home). Isn\u2019t this wrong, tracking the kids when I have custody? I have hinted to her that I think this is wrong but am afraid she\u2019ll fly off the handle if I formally ask her to stop.<\/i><\/p>\n

A: <\/b>This is a sticky one. Teen boys, defensive ex, tracking gone amok \u2014 there are no easy answers in any of this. I have a lot of respect for your trust and the importance of privacy, and it seems that your boys have risen to the occasion. If you ask a million people for their opinions on this, you will get a million thoughts, so here are mine.<\/p>\n

As a parent coach, I am going to advocate for preserving the peace at (almost) all costs. I would like to give your ex the benefit of the doubt and hope that she isn\u2019t as controlling and paranoid as she sounds, or that she has a past that explains this extreme control. In any case, you are on one end of the spectrum (no surveillance) and she is on the other end (total surveillance, even when they are with you).<\/p>\n

You are probably not going to bring her to your side, so why don\u2019t you do some careful listening. Say to her: \u201cI have noticed you are really worried about Tom and Jerry when they are out. Tell me more about that.\u201d Yes, you may bristle at even asking her opinion but, generally, humans relax a bit when they feel free to express their worries. And, if you are truly ready to listen without judgment, you may find that you can empathize with her fears. She may have some evidence that you didn\u2019t know that could change your outlook. You don\u2019t know until you ask.<\/p>\n

The worst-case scenario is that she stays in attack mode, doubles down on tracking the kids and attacks your parenting. If this is the case, then you simply have to do your best until the boys graduate and move away. Sadly, your ex is hurting her relationship with her boys and, as annoyed as you are, they are the victims here. Teens don\u2019t do well when they are treated with chronic suspicion (especially when they haven\u2019t earned it). As the father, you are going to need to be a container for their frustration and disappointment. Their anger at their mother may come out sideways on you, it may result in them lying to your ex and it may result in sneakiness when they are with her (which is what mistrust and control yields in most adults). Navigating this with your sons will take some problem-solving, empathy and lots of patience. This is unfair for you (you\u2019re not the one controlling them), but, alas, this […]<\/p>\n

View this full article on The Washington Post<\/a><\/p>\n

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  Q: I am a divorced father of two teenage boys. They are good kids and I respect their privacy; I don\u2019t track them by cellphone. I believe in the golden rule of treating others how you\u2019d want to be treated and I wouldn\u2019t want anyone tracking my every move. Their mom does track them. But what really irks me is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":7139,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,35,301],"tags":[163,1703,249,628,816,449,584,762,585,13,8,592,1729,161,1728,382,10,593],"class_list":["post-7138","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-routines","category-washington-post","tag-boundaries","tag-cell-phone","tag-divorce","tag-family","tag-how-to-parent-through-divorce","tag-independence","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-advice","tag-on-parenting","tag-parent-coach","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-privacy","tag-teens","tag-tracking","tag-tweens","tag-washington-post","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nMy ex tracks our teens by their phones, even when they\u2019re with me<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I am a divorced father of two teenage boys. 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