Question: My fiance has two sons, ages 11 and 14, and he and his ex-wife have equal custody. My fiance and I have been together for a few years, and he, his sons and I have been living together for the past year. Things have been going pretty well. I’m so fortunate that the boys are good kids; we warmed up to each other early on, and my fiance is a great dad and partner. I worked with kids a lot when I was younger, but being a parent is different from being a teacher’s aide or camp counselor.
I’ve been trying to learn more about parenting, but most of the resources out there are for birth (or adoptive) parents, and stepparenting seems like a different journey in some ways, especially with older kids. Can you recommend any good resources for stepparents to learn about parenting approaches in split-family situations? I want to respect the approaches that both my fiance and the kids’ mother have toward parenting the kids, but I want to be able to add something as well.
Answer: When I get questions like this, I want to do a dance. A little jig, really. Why? Well, there is tremendous suffering in the world, and you know that. I bet you have suffered, too.
There are families, right now, where the parents are destroying each other. There are couples who are separating and divorcing and going to war.
There are some mothers who are fighting tooth and nail to protect their children from abusers. There are fathers who are begging for visitation from an angry and spiteful spouse.
There are blended families where the stepparent feels like a perpetual outsider, jealous and fighting for emotional crumbs at the biological family table.
There are blended families where the stepparent is given far too much power or the children far too much leniency. Boundaries are blown apart, relationships are forced, and anger and resentment are the natural consequence.
There are blended families where the children feel abandoned for new relationships and marriages, and they finally open their hearts only to have that new adult leave.
And this is not the half of it, right?
And you, dear writer, here you come with this request. I love it, it gives me hope! So, allow me take note of everything you are doing well, so that you can become an example for other families who want to blend a little more smoothly.
1. You respect and remain unafraid of the shared custody agreement. For the fiancee, it often begins and ends with this boundary. You harbor zero resentment toward this agreement.
2. You believe your partner is a great dad. I know this may sound silly, but this matters! It makes it easy to find your proper place in this family. You are confident that your spouse can do what is required to care for his sons and can parent with his ex-wife. It is hard to imagine that people willingly marry others who are not good parents, but people do it. All the time. It’s a head-shaker. So, pat yourself on the back for knowing that you can trust your soon-to-be husband.
3. You recognize that your work with children has not really been “parenting.” Nothing can be more infuriating in a blended family than hearing the stepparent justify her decisions with babysitting and camp counselor experience. You know that your fiance and his ex-wife have done the heavy parent lifting here, and you respect it. Good. That being said, I would remind you to respect your own parenting and caretaking instincts. You do not have to be the biological mother to be a reliable and loving caretaker. Your sense of humor, reliability, kindness to their father, respect for boundaries, interest in their interests are all characteristics that can go a very long way in creating a rich family tapestry for these children.
4. The essential question you asked in your letter is how you can improve. I don’t want to improve you. Why? Because you wrote this: “I want to respect the approaches that both my fiance and the kids’ mother have toward parenting the kids, but I want to be able to add something as well.” This tells me almost everything I need to know about you, and my fear is that you will read so many blogs, books and other expert advice that you will lose your own voice in this. Here’s the thing: Who can you control in this scenario of a new blended family? You. That’s it. The next sphere of influence is your soon-to-be husband. But you have already loved him and you will continue to support him! You are already doing this well.
The next sphere of influence is the boys, and you know them better than an expert does. How can you let them know that they are important to you? How can you be loving with them while also respecting your own boundaries? This will be a dance that will last as long as you are married, but the more you “practice” stepparenting, the better it will be.
The last sphere of influence is the ex-wife. Unless there is an extreme case of abuse or something goes completely awry, your job is to support her and your fiance. That’s it. You are already doing a great job, so please, carry on. Love your blended family and enjoy them.
But let’s say you have a bad day or your confidence is lagging or there is a crisis in the family, and you would like some specialized support. This Web site contains some great book ideas for stepparenting: Stepsforstepmothers.com . I especially like the book “Wisdom on Stepparenting: How to Succeed Where Others Fail” by Diana Weiss-Wisdom. Find a positive and good tribe of other stepparents and learn from their wisdom. I have no doubt that they could also learn a great deal from you. Good luck!
Find this over at The Washington Post.