Q: My 7 1/2 -year-old daughter gets very easily frustrated and has frequent meltdowns. She does not have any behavior issues at school, but as soon as she gets home she will explode over the smallest things. Often this is aimed at her sibling. If her sister doesn’t want to play exactly the way she wants to play, she will scream and storm off, or sometimes pinch or grab her sister. I don’t think she intends to hurt her, but it’s as if she has to do something physical to release all the anger/frustration that’s built up. We tried a behavioral psychologist, who suggested she has ADD and could benefit from medication. I don’t necessarily agree with the diagnosis because this pretty much happens only at home. I read “The Explosive Child,” which recommends collaborative problem-solving rather than rewards and punishments, but how do I handle it when she hurts her sister? I’ve tried talking through things calmly and getting her to come up with solutions, but in the moment she is completely unwilling to compromise. Can you offer any advice? Thank you.
A: I answered this in part in a recent online discussion, but felt it deserved a deeper response. So here we are.
There are so many factors to sort through here, I understand your confusion. Let’s begin to tease out all of this to see if we can figure out what’s going on.
The first important bit of “good news” in your note is that you already know what is going on. As the parent, you clearly see that she has pent-up frustration that needs to be released. She is currently releasing it onto her sister. Why her sister? Easy target? Habit? We don’t know, but we know that this is the reality. That is what we are working with when you pick her up from school.
So let’s work from the outside in, and let’s jump over anger (a secondary emotion) and focus on the primary emotion of frustration. Where does frustration come from? Well, every human experiences frustration. We are built to experience frustration and be moved by it in one direction or another.
We try to change what is frustrating us. And when we can’t change the event or the outcome or the issue, we are changed by that frustration. That’s called adaptation.
That’s all well and good, but some children (like your beautiful daughter) can get stuck in frustration. They get stuck in the buildup and the explosion, but they never adapt or never get “changed” by it. The next frustrating incident is just another explosion.
This is especially tough if you have a child who is easily frustrated by life in general, and parents with extra-sensitive children know this well.
Now, about school.
You stated that there are no “behavioral problems at school,” but I would ask more about the kinds of experiences she is having at school. Questions for you to ask her teachers and the administration: Is she moving enough (recess, gym class, etc.)? Is she so quiet that no one has noticed her? Is she able to focus and stay with the class? Is she able to finish her work in a timely manner?
Here’s the thing. If she has ADD and we are ignoring it, her brain is working so much harder just to keep her head above water that by the time you pick her up from school, she can’t handle her emotions or her body anymore. She is completely out of control because her system is kaput. So begin to do some investigating at school and see what turns up.
I am also wondering if she was truly evaluated for ADD, or was it a suggestion from the psychologist? I think it is worthwhile to look into this a little more. A diagnosis does not mean an instantaneous need for medication, but it could bring to light particular strategies that could truly help. (And she could receive some better services in school!)
Meanwhile, what can you do when your daughter explodes? We know that she is going to target the sister. We know it is going to get violent. We have to head this off at the pass rather than react.
So let’s look at some options:
1. Give her food, especially protein, immediately upon pickup from school. This can help even out blood sugar, keep some hormones in line and give the explosive daughter a moment to transition.
2. Get your daughter playing physically: throwing something, jumping on a trampoline, running. Frustration can be converted into physical energy , and your daughter needs some safe and appropriate outlets.
3. Get between the sisters. Literally. Take the explosive child by the hand and strongly lead her away from an opportunity to hurt and lash out. Since she cannot be trusted to “play nice,” stop expecting her to. Stop expecting her to share nicely and get along. It’s not happening, so find other ways for these children to do something without staying in each other’s orbit too long.
4. Stop speaking calmly and stop talking to your daughter about solutions. When the frustration has built too high and the anger is real and present, her brain cannot absorb this language. Yes, you stay calm. Yes, solutions may come later. But in the moment, stay quiet and keep everyone safe.
Finally, give some attention to the sister who is being attacked. Let her know that yes, this stinks and that it is hard to be around her sister. It stinks when she pinches and hurts people. Allow your other daughter to be angry and sad without judgment or justification. Let your daughter know that Mommy is working on it and is trying to keep everyone safe.
I hope I have given you a place to begin. Have confidence that this will work out, and try not to be afraid of asking questions of the school and doctors. Good luck!
Find this over at The Washington Post.